Love your in laws but hate SIL?

[Anonymous]

I like my in laws for the most part and we used to see them fairly regularly for lunch, dinner, theater, etc. I never had much of a relationship with SIL because she was married and lived 2 hours away. My husband isn't close with her and doesn't really like her that much. Fast forward 5 years and she is now divorced and moved back to the area (no kids). I can't stand her. She has said some rude things to me and has had influence on her mom to see certain things differently which has changed how her mother treats me and dh. She hangs out with her mom a lot, so we see my in laws much less often. When they do invite us over, they also invite SIL. When we recently invited them to our home, my MIL insisted that we invite SIL. She knows there are issues between SIL, me and dh but thinks we should put "the elephant in the closet" and get a long for the day. I disagree with this view. So my two choices are either to get together with in laws less frequently or suck it up and be fake or ignore SIL at these events. Even if we socialize less, I have to see her during the holidays. What would you do? And what do you do during holidays? I don't want to punish my in laws by seeing them less and giving them less time with their grandkids, but I dread seeing SIL and miserable the week before each event, during, and sometimes after.

[Anonymous]

Is your relationship with your MIL such that you can sit down with her and state very calmly, kindly, but clearly that you prefer to have a one on one relationship with her (your MIL) and ask that she allow you to manage your other relationships with adult family members as you see fit, including deciding whom to invite to your home and when?

I think that's the first thing: a polite assertion of your authority in managing your own relationships.

As for seeing SIL at your ILs home, know that's a given and adjust how often you go over accordingly. Realize too that your MIL chooses to place a requirement that you interact with SIL in order to interact with MIL--she could choose not to put you in that position, at least not so often or only at holidays, but your and DH's feelings just aren't that important to her. It sounds like your friendship just isn't as important to her now that her DD is back around and needs her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your relationship with your MIL such that you can sit down with her and state very calmly, kindly, but clearly that you prefer to have a one on one relationship with her (your MIL) and ask that she allow you to manage your other relationships with adult family members as you see fit, including deciding whom to invite to your home and when?

I think that's the first thing: a polite assertion of your authority in managing your own relationships.

As for seeing SIL at your ILs home, know that's a given and adjust how often you go over accordingly. Realize too that your MIL chooses to place a requirement that you interact with SIL in order to interact with MIL--she could choose not to put you in that position, at least not so often or only at holidays, but your and DH's feelings just aren't that important to her. It sounds like your friendship just isn't as important to her now that her DD is back around and needs her.

I told my mother in law over the phone once that we miss seeing them and that preserving adult relationships is important (she was telling me that it is all about the kids and everyone needs to get a long for them). She didn't really respond and said well, we know how busy you all are (we just had a baby). For her insisting that we invite SIL - we invited them to lunch, she accepted and then emailed me suggesting that we switch lunch to her house (to make things easier on me) and that she also planned on inviting SIL. I called and asked her not to change our plans and that we'd consider inviting SIL.

I agree that it doesn't seem like my friendship is as important to her, which hurts. I asked my in laws once if I had done anything to upset or offend them because if so, I'd like to correct it. They said I had done nothing. Not sure what more I can do but am definitely hurt about the turn our relationship has taken. I used to enjoy holidays, visits, etc.

[Anonymous]

That stinks OP...maybe your DH can talk to your MIL and spell it out for her (the one on one thing). Other than that, I would just make the holiday visits very short if SIL is rude/difficult/etc.

Maybe SIL will wise up down the road also. I had a relative who always annoyed the heck out of me but once I had kids she was so good with them and loved them so much and did so many nice things for them, well, we wound up getting along just fine after that

[Anonymous]

It's her daughter; SIL will always come first for your mil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's her daughter; SIL will always come first for your mil.

OP, I can relate, but keep this in mind. This is a very important point. As close as you get to your MIL, she will always side with SIL over you if it comes to that.

The only thing I can advise (from experience) is just try to have as little to do with SIL as possible.

[Anonymous]

Why are you letting your SIL get under your skin like that? I have one who is annoying as fuck too...I simply say mm hmm mm hmm to everything she says and try hard not to get trapped in conversation with her. She's a part of the package, like her or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's her daughter; SIL will always come first for your mil.

I posted this and I will go one step further - font bad mouth SIL to mil (which is sounds like you're doing by refusing to meet up with her). Mil isn't your mom and will always side with SIL and probably feel some anger towards you for not liking SIL.

[Anonymous]

You describe the options for interacting with your SIL as "suck it up and be fake or ignore her." That is very telling. From your description, she hasn't done anything too horrible; it just sounds like the two of you don't get along. A mature adult who values relationships would do their utmost to find aome common ground with a woman who is very dear to people who are very dear to you. An immature person who loves drama would look for reasons to dislike a woman with whom they perceive competition for affection and would try to get others to choose sides. You are sounding a lot more like the latter. Either we are missing the actual offensive things your SIL has done to you and your sincere efforts to mend fences, or you are as much a part of the problem as she is, but YOU are the one actively trying to exclude HER from her own family.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I'm definitely not trying to start drama. As I mentioned before, DH is not very fond of his sister. She can be ignorant, she tends to drink too much and sends mean texts, he hates that she smokes, we generally don't have anything in common with her. We never hung out with her one on one since we've been together. Now, we just dread going to an even with the family because it is just not enjoyable. It is obvious if we ignore her as there are only the parents, SIL and maybe an aunt.

[Anonymous]

OP as far as SIL go she dent sound that bad. Lots of people ave lite in common with amily members. Sounds like the problem lies epwith you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'm definitely not trying to start drama. As I mentioned before, DH is not very fond of his sister. She can be ignorant, she tends to drink too much and sends mean texts, he hates that she smokes, we generally don't have anything in common with her. We never hung out with her one on one since we've been together. Now, we just dread going to an even with the family because it is just not enjoyable. It is obvious if we ignore her as there are only the parents, SIL and maybe an aunt.

Have you never encountered someone you just don't get along with? These are not reasons to "dread" things. You don't like her, she probably doesn't like you. Just deal with it, I promise you many more people won't like you in the coming years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's her daughter; SIL will always come first for your mil.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think this is about accepting the new family dynamics. Mourning the loss of what was is perfectly normal but at some point, you and DH should resolve not to be annoyed when SILs around and be pleasant. It may take you and DH no longer talking about how much you dread all things related to SIL...it's great to both feel the same way, but sometimes that can make it worse because you validate the friction.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, that sounds tough. But it's understandable that your MIL wants to have the whole family get together when they see you. My MIL does this - when they come visit from a couple of hours away, SIL and her kids come too. When we visit them, everyone is there at MIL's house. I think you need to just suck it up and include SIL, if only to keep the peace. Be nice to her and maybe eventually she'll straighten out and start treating you nicely as well. Great piece of advice I saw recently, on here I think: you'll never regret taking the high road. It's true.