Venting about Mom vs. MIL

[Anonymous]

I find that posts venting about Mom are often met with snarky responses about OP not appreciating her mom, etc., but very similar posts about MILs receive much more sympathetic responses.

Has anyone else noticed this? I love my mom to pieces, but yes, she does make me nuts sometimes - and I make her nuts sometimes too. Are there people who really NEVER get irritated with their moms? Or is it that you believe you shouldn't voice it out of respect?

[Anonymous]

I am reluctant to speak ill of the dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that posts venting about Mom are often met with snarky responses about OP not appreciating her mom, etc., but very similar posts about MILs receive much more sympathetic responses.

Has anyone else noticed this? I love my mom to pieces, but yes, she does make me nuts sometimes - and I make her nuts sometimes too. Are there people who really NEVER get irritated with their moms? Or is it that you believe you shouldn't voice it out of respect?

I never get irritated with my mom. I guess there were probably times when I was a teenager when I found her embarrassing or bossy or whatever, but I don't remember us ever having "fights" the way some people did with there moms. There was never a time when I felt like I couldn't trust her with some information or rely on her to give me good, non-judgy advice, or whatever.

I know it's an unusual relationship. We do not always agree on everything, but having a difference of opinion on strategy or different perspectives on this or that has not affected our relationship negatively in my adult life.

As for why people vent more about their MIL than their mom, I think that sometimes, people are slightly immunized to their mom's issues, whereas MIL is a relatively new fixture in life (even if you've been married for decades, she's still newer than your actual mom!). Sometimes people have a hard time creating and maintaining boundaries for whatever reason. My former MIL had almost no boundaries with me, both because she was so excited about our marriage and subsequent child and also because she has a personality disorder. If my mom had invaded my personal space and asked such extremely personal TMI questions when I was pregnant, I probably would have been pretty annoyed about it. But she didn't. Because we had 30 years of boundaries to inform the way we interacted at that time. MIL and I didn't.

[Anonymous]

I get way more irritated with my mom. DH and I are both more forgiving, accommodating, tolerant of quirks, etc. for each other's parents. I attribute this to the fact that my own parents have spent 35 years learning all the buttons to push while my MIL relatively is new to me. It's easier for me to tell myself "she didn't mean it like that" when it's MIL vs. with my mom who I know said that guilt inducing, snarky, passive-aggressive thing on purpose.

[Anonymous]

I see my mom often and, yes, she can get on my nerves at times. But mostly I find myself really appreciating her. But same goes with MIL - I just don't see her quite as often.

[Anonymous]

A relationship with a MIL is like any other relationship, one you build as an adult with a stranger. Everybody can relate to how challenging that can be. With your own mother, it seems like most of the people who get angry when people complain about their mothers have their own mothers on a pedestal or have bought into a version of family where mother sacrificed so much for everyone that you were a shithead if you criticized her for anything ever. At the extreme, there are people who are in denial about the dysfunction or abuse of their own families of origin, so they are heavily invested in shutting down other people's discussions of abusive or dysfunctional behavior by their parents (and this seems to go double for mothers).

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP, you've known your own mom your whole life - can push buttons and can be more direct and honest with her. You've only known your inlaws since your husband introduced you all.

[Anonymous]

I see my MIL more than I see my mom and I get along with her much better. Overall, my mother is great but she drives me insane sometimes. There is no one on this planet who has the ability to make me nuts like she does. I find that because she is my mom, she feels that it is ok to say things to me (criticism mostly) that my MIL would never say. But, my MIL is pretty cool about respecting me and keeping out of my relationships with my DH and my kids--my mother does not have the same boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Both our parents are nuts BUT MIL is mean, bitchy, intolerant, rude nuts whereas my Mom is well intentioned, clueless nuts. We both know that my parents love us and aren't trying to make us crazy. And we both know that his Mom wishes I was dead so that she could move in with DH and treat him and my kids properly! LOL

[Anonymous]

Just like MTV Real World, when do you all stop being polite and start getting real?? With in laws you can stay in the artificial polite zone for decades if you live far enough away and don't plop in their house for weeks and weeks (or vice versa).

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the difference is that no matter how annoying or crazy your own mom is, usually you trust that she truly loves you, so everyone cuts her more slack. You and your MIL don't share that intense bond, so she doesn't get the same slack.

My mother and I have never been close, and she can be difficult, annoying, and very toxic. That said, we keep our distance and have learned how to get along. She's never liked me, but she loves me, in her way.

My MIL? She's a good person, but I'm pretty sure she would be fine if I dropped dead. In fact, I have the same issue as another poster: MIL wants to move into her son's house and run things. I'm the sole obstacle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that posts venting about Mom are often met with snarky responses about OP not appreciating her mom, etc., but very similar posts about MILs receive much more sympathetic responses.

Has anyone else noticed this? I love my mom to pieces, but yes, she does make me nuts sometimes - and I make her nuts sometimes too. Are there people who really NEVER get irritated with their moms? Or is it that you believe you shouldn't voice it out of respect?

I never get irritated with my mom. I guess there were probably times when I was a teenager when I found her embarrassing or bossy or whatever, but I don't remember us ever having "fights" the way some people did with there moms. There was never a time when I felt like I couldn't trust her with some information or rely on her to give me good, non-judgy advice, or whatever.

I know it's an unusual relationship. We do not always agree on everything, but having a difference of opinion on strategy or different perspectives on this or that has not affected our relationship negatively in my adult life.

As for why people vent more about their MIL than their mom, I think that sometimes, people are slightly immunized to their mom's issues, whereas MIL is a relatively new fixture in life (even if you've been married for decades, she's still newer than your actual mom!). Sometimes people have a hard time creating and maintaining boundaries for whatever reason. My former MIL had almost no boundaries with me, both because she was so excited about our marriage and subsequent child and also because she has a personality disorder. If my mom had invaded my personal space and asked such extremely personal TMI questions when I was pregnant, I probably would have been pretty annoyed about it. But she didn't. Because we had 30 years of boundaries to inform the way we interacted at that time. MIL and I didn't.

+ 1000, but I still have my MIL and so tired of her lack of boundaries.