help me survive this week with my mom
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Anonymous
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The mere presence of my mom raises my anxiety level incredibly. It's always been a slight issue but I feel like it's gotten worse since I've become a mom. I love my mom. She's awesome with my daughter. She's here giving us a week a free childcare while our regular provider is on vacation. She cleans up after herself, helps around the house, and cares deeply about our family. What on earth is wrong with me? From the moment I picked her up at the othe airport I've been on edge. I've retreated into myself and have been terse. She tends to ask a ton of questions and each one is like a hammer in my head.
I think therapy could help in the long run, but please, if anyone has any tips to get through the week, I'd greatly appreciate it. Does this happen to anyone else? I want my mom to know the real me, not a petulant teenager. And I want to avoid this with my own daughter. |
Anonymous
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What's your worry? Do you think she's judging you?
Can you slow down a bit and when you feel edgy, stop and ask youself why? And if the constant questions are getting to you, can you pause and ask her why she's asking? or assume the best? For instance, your mom says "why don't your kids drink juice? i always let you guys drink juice. its good for you!" you start to get annoyed and tense and feel judged and want to snap "its bad for you, it has too much sugar." instead, think, hm. we did have a lot of jui ce when we were small. thendecide you're going to chat about it and tell her your kids seem to like fruist better and that the ped says it has a lot of sugar and that they get so wired... if she persists, you could always say "well, i wonder if they made it differently in the past - maybe it was more pure?" |
Anonymous
| Think of ways to get breaks from her--go to bed early and read for a while until you're ready to sleep. Have her take DD out for a special lunch/to the playground/another room/ whatever so you can get some stuff done around the house. Ask her to babysit so you and DH can go on a date. Plan stuff to do that makes it hard for her to talk to you--go to the movies, a concert, anything where she won't be able to ask you 20 questions. You'll be able to be more pleasant to her when you're not worn out and annoyed by her. |
Anonymous
| Treat your mom like you would treat a friend's mom. So much easier. Or, treat her like an experiment is being done to see how three generations of women get along and it's being filmed. When I imagine I'm being filmed it keeps me on my best behavior, with excellent posture (which is a bonus when you're around a mother). |
Anonymous
| Sympathy here. My mom and I have similar issues. For yourself for this week, try to get as much exercise and sleep as possible (both relieve stress) and try to find neutral activities to spend time with your mother that aren't soley dependent on talking--that way she feels like she is getting quality time with you but you don't have to talk to her. Watching a movie, playing cards, walking around the neighborhood or taking kids to park together in the evening. Taking your mom out to a free concert or quick dinner during the week. Visiting a museum on the weekend. My mom is more anxious and more of a pain if she is bored or feels ignored. Be proactive and maybe you can keep tension down and have a nice visit. Also try wine. |
Anonymous
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I feel similar with my MIL. I get really annoyed at everything she does. She says something that she should not (such as constantly labeling and comparing the kids) but no serious offense and the rational part of me knows that we all ought to gain from good family relationship and that I need to model proper behavior in front of my kids.
Yes, I feel incredible tense and unforgiving with her (noticing everything that she does "wrong") What I try: * count down the number of days, nothing like an end point to make things more tolerable * get out of the house often * remind myself that they are old, what if it was there last visit * that I am modeling the way to treat elders for my kids |
Anonymous
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A few years ago, Deborah Tannen wrote a book a called You're Wearing That? I heard her interviewed on NPR-- Diane Rehm's show, I think. Very interesting! Here's a bit she wrote about it for WaPo. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/21/AR2006012100092.html
Maybe this will provide a little insight. |
Anonymous
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1) write down your gratitude list each day so you are in a positive mind frame
2) breathe and meditate 3) try not to sweat the small stuff. 4) this sounds morbid, but when I'm annoyed with my very well-meaning mom, I think "omg. What if she weren't around anymore? I would totally regret snapping at her about this stupid thing or being annoyed with all the questions" I like what someone said about treating her like your friend's mom. |
Anonymous
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My mom grates on my nerves (I totally get it) but she's wonderful, caring and awesome all at the same time. What has helped me is to realize this is my issue , after working with a therapist I've learned I'm some time unsure or insecure in my parenting choices and that's ok. I'm still learning to be a mom and there is no one right way to parent (which is hard for me, I'm a perfectionist) . So when my mom says dont the kids get juice I get to respond one of 2 ways "only when your here its a grandma treat" or "no we don't do juice" both are totally ok and having or not having juice won't kill them.
So my advice for this week would be try to roll with whatever your moms parenting style is since she's covering your child care, even if it different it won't hurt your kids and everything can go back to your way next week. |
Anonymous
new poster here: that was a great artcile - thank you for sharing, |
Anonymous
| I am the exact same way with my mom. I have no patience for her and find everything she does so annoying, and then I feel very guilty becayuse she is actually an emormous help to my family and I would be unable to do it without her. I have no advice, because I really struggle with feeling loving towards her instead of annoyed. I have sympathy, though. Give yourself breaks throughout the week, ask your husband to intervene (my husband is very patient with my mom, so if I can't handle her, he does) and just do you best. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Free childcare, etc. You are a bitch |
Anonymous
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Do you see your mom that often? My parents are long-distance, and sometimes it is a weird adjustment when they first show up: hearing observations about how you live your life, showing them how things are set up for the childcare. There are lots of things you just take for granted about how you live that now you have to stop and think about or explain. When you feel busy generally (what working parent doesn't?) it can be irritating to slow down. Heck, I feel that way sometimes after DH returns from a long business trip.
Perhaps I'm projecting a bit, but that's often my experience. Having your mom here for a week is a huge blessing and relief, but it does take work from you to be sure it goes smoothly. Take a deep breath, OP, and slow down a little. Think about everything you like about your mom. Go from there. |
Anonymous
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NP here, but lots of good advice above...bookmarking this one for my MIL's next visit! MILs are a sort of different story, but I need to stop dreading every visit; it's not good for anyone.
The best advice I have is remembering that you can't change someone else's actions, only your own reactions. |
Anonymous
I feel this way about my MIL too. These are good suggestions, as is the "pretend you're being filmed" one. Mostly I just think about the fact that she's not a happy person and try to limit the length of time that I have to spend with her. Once we hit 3-4 hours straight, I start to lose it and can't tolerate her as much as I can at first. |