help me survive this week with my mom

[Anonymous]

Totally understand this sentiment and am in the midst of my own tension-fraught two week visit with my mom. It really does seem like she is always criticizing. I have a three month old and she is constantly trying to do things with him that I wouldn't do, like let him stay awake longer so he will sleep more at night (doesn't work that way, at least not with my kid).

I try to fill our time with as many outings or visits with other people as possible. That way I don't have to be alone with her as much. Sounds terrible but it's the only way to preserve our relationship. I almost had a nervous breakdown during her three plus week stay after I had the baby.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any great advice OP but I often feel similarly about my mother despite that I know she loves me and my children and is generally a wonderful person. And then I act bitchy and then I am regretful. We are getting better, though - we've talked about it a lot and that has helped some though it has taken a long time. I sometimes wonder about therapy, too. At the very least, you are not alone in having a tension-filled relationship with a loving mother!

[Anonymous]

If all else fails, take out your cell phone, go for a walk and call your best friend. I'm sure she's familiar with the dynamics and has even witnessed them live at one or two events. You'll need her support and you'll need to vent a little to last for a whole week.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

She sounds nice. My mom died last year and I would give anything to have another week with her, especially if she were healthy enough to come visit me!

[Anonymous]

I vent to my sister, but then feel terribly guilty about it afterward.

[Anonymous]

I'm a Mom of an adult daughter. I can say that I started paying attention to how much I talked. I realized I talked too much and asked too many questions. I thought I was just making conversation. We get along better when we have more quiet time. We can be in the same room each doing something, but don't have to be talking. Make sure you are not short with her. Make sure you do not snap-at-her and hurt her feelings anymore than you might a friend or housemate. We Moms don't like being dumped-on, or treated badly even if we don't speak up about it. We don't want the exchange to escalate. We'll always love you, we also want to like you

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you thank you thank you! Just reading that I am not the only one is enormously helpful. And that Tannen article stikes very close to home. I had the same exact reaction after getting invited to present at a prestigious conference: 'What will you wear?' Instead of 'what will you talk about?' And thanks to the name calling poster for making me laugh since I was near tears after that article.

On my way home from work now, practicing deep breathing, positive thinking, and envisioning cameras all around while I have an awesome evening with my friend's mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I vent to my sister, but then feel terribly guilty about it afterward.

Your sister probably feels the same or she would have contradicted you by now. Sisters often do, so it sounds like she commiserates.

[Anonymous]

^ if your mother is over 50 consider that some of makes her annoying, at times, may have something to do with age. She may not know what to talk about. She may be repeating herself. She may not know how to stay close to you, and may feel vulnerable. You may be the strong one now - or stronger one. I know we all want to be protected from life by our mothers, but know the switch is coming when you will need to be the-more-understanding one.

[Anonymous]

I do something that people might find super-morbid but it helps me:

I think about all the people who say "I would give anything for one last phone call with X (who has died)" and I pretend that THIS is my last phone call - that God somehow dialed me up a line to talk to my deceased Mom and THIS IS IT.

I use this when I'm feeling really short with the kids, too - pretend this is my last hour of parenting. Will it be how I want them to remember me?

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you....my mom is coming on Friday....she loves our son and never complains about watching him....but she grates on my last nerves: always asking thousands of irrelevant questions, making passive-agggressive judgmental comments, giving unwanted advice, driving my husband batty, etc.....you have my sympathy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Free childcare, etc. You are a bitch

No you aren't. OP, ignore this post. You are normal, as seen by several other posts on this thread. hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a Mom of an adult daughter. I can say that I started paying attention to how much I talked. I realized I talked too much and asked too many questions. I thought I was just making conversation. We get along better when we have more quiet time. We can be in the same room each doing something, but don't have to be talking. Make sure you are not short with her. Make sure you do not snap-at-her and hurt her feelings anymore than you might a friend or housemate. We Moms don't like being dumped-on, or treated badly even if we don't speak up about it. We don't want the exchange to escalate. We'll always love you, we also want to like you

Thanks for this perspective. I realize I'm not always succeeding at being likable. What caused you to think about how muuch you talked? I think my mom really has trouble with silence. Yet when she asks a question she often assumes the answer instead of listening. So it'll be 'so you had a good day at work? Great!' Instead of 'how was your day?l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds nice. My mom died last year and I would give anything to have another week with her, especially if she were healthy enough to come visit me!

I'm so sorry for your loss. And thank you for that perspective, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Free childcare, etc. You are a bitch

And you're rude. Shame on you.