DW is a DCPCS naysayer. Advice to shut her down?
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Anonymous
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I have a "good" problem- my DS will be starting at a DCI feeder immersion school next month. I researched the school situation for months and planned/plotted for as long to my son into a good program when his time came. I frequent this site often and am well-versed on the very frustrating situation with DC schools. I'm also well-versed on charters, the long WLs, the likelihood of striking out etc... I got very lucky due to my diligence and my DS got in to our first choice. With that said, my DW is very clueless about the whole thing. In fact, she's down right a naysayer with respect to DS's charter, how truly lucky we are, the excitement surrounding the DCI, etc... This has been very frustrating for me. Now she's saying she wants to move "for our son's education outlook". Huh?! After all I did to get him in a program and how stellar (IMO) the outlook is for his educational future? I'm really disgusted, to be frank. She hemmed and hawed when I camped out at a very sought after charter about how unnecessary it was and how much I was overreacting, etc... When I asked her to help submit a computer application the moment it was available for another sought after charter, she huffed and puffed. I'm at the point now where I can't even give her any eye contact when it comes to discussing fall preparation for DS's new school.
I'm at a loss as to how out of touch DW is regarding the school situation here. It's been national news (for goodness sake) back when Rhee was on, etc... We've lived here for a while and seen other families move on due to not having a viable option. I camped out for Pete's sake. WTF is up with DW? To give some background, she's a workaholic who doesn't have much time for "family" things. We're a decently strong team, so I've taken over those things and she manages other things, so we're somewhat evenly divided on our agreed-upon family obligations. However, I just don't know how she could be so clueless about schools. It's beyond irritating and maddening to me. I'll admit that I may be overreacting some, but geesh, I can't fathom her cluelessness. I literally lost sleep pondering not getting a slot, so I got up at the butt crack of dawn to camp out at my 1st choice for DS. She was actually annoyed at me. I know DCUM is probably not a good place for affirmation, but I'm hoping other parents in my shoes can chime in. Other parents I've talked too seem to be on the same page and are as hypervigilant as I am. We all have this sense of urgency about the whole thing. Therefore, I ask DW to withhold her absurd opinions (ie. people with school age kids should automatically move when the kid starts school, the top charters are nothing to write home about, etc...) when we're talking to other parents at our local playground. Can someone give advice about how they got their spouse on board or up to speed? Are there any links to the schools situation that can help DW's lagging learning curve? Or should I just leave well enough alone. I'm okay with forbidding the topic as one for discussion if that's what's best. But, what I won't do is bite my lip when DW's naysaying gums are flapping. BTW- are marriage is fine and we generally problem solve well together. But, this is admittedly one of those thorns in the side that won't go away. Sorry for the length of this post and thanks for keeping it positive! |
Anonymous
| I assume this is for ps3 or pk4, right? Why don't you make a compromise tht you will try the school for the year or 2. Then ask DW to be involved more, come to PTA, teacher meetings, etc. You can re-evaluate at K or 1. I udnerstand your frustrations-I spent hours and hours researching, applying, following up, etc. DH totally uninvolved and then his first response, when I told him excitedly that we got off the WL at X school, was "why in the world would we want to send our kid there?"--I lost it. I mean, where did he think we were going to get in? It was like he wasn't listening for an entire year and just somehow assumed magically that our kid would be going to Janney or Murch or something, even though our IB DCPS is terrible! |
Anonymous
| I'm wondering if there's something else going on? Maybe she wants to move for some other reason, or she always just assumed you'd move once kid(s) are older, or she has political reservations about charters vs. public schools? |
Anonymous
| ^^ OP here. It's for PK4. Thanks for this! Your DH's response is near exact to DW's response. She's still saying our DS will be confused because the school is a language immersion program. I sent her a few articles on language immersion and how it's a benefit, but she won't listen. Every time the conversation is broached, she keeps saying our child's English isn't that great, let alone adding in another language. To clarify, our child is 4 with no language issues- totally a normal 4 year old. Just to pacify DW I talked to our ped who actually knew more about DCI than I did. She was super excited for us. DW is still naysaying. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like there may be other things going on, like 12:30 suggested. OP, you sound like you really need to be in control of school decisions. Of course, your wife encourages that by being a workaholic and abdicating all decisions to you. But I'm wondering if she doesn't resent your control of the school process even at the same time she's not willing to step up and get involved.
BTW, I agree with you - it's possible to stay in DC and educate your kid in DCPS or a good charter if you stay engaged and look out for your kid. If I were at that stage in my life I would be doing just what you're doing so I disagree with your DW too. But it sounds to me like underlying this surface issue is a struggle over control. |
Anonymous
| Well, it sounds like DW's plan all along might have been to move for schools and you two were never on the same page. "Excitement" about DCI does not mean it's going to be as great as people hope. Perhaps your wife prefers an established, high-performing school pyramid in the suburbs. That being said, can you two agree to see how this school works out for your kid and keep an open mind for what will be best down the road? It's pretty late to try to move for this school year anyhow. |
Anonymous
OP again. She wants to move due to lack of space (in the house and the fact that there's no green space around). We've discussed this thoroughly and I agree the kids need more green space and our rowhouse has been outgrown. So, that's not the issue. There's several neighborhoods we agree upon with SFH's inside the district. They're less urban and more tree-lined, so that'll make things okay. She will say why stay in the district if we're going to move anyway with the school being so awful. This is where I get pissed off because I busted my @$$ to get DS into the kick butt charter. So, IMO schools is not the issue. As far as political issues, she doesn't know about any school situation here, charter or public. DC is a harbinger with respect to charters nationwide. She understands that much. But, she seems to be caught up in the whole "school sucks" in DC bandwagon and won't look any deeper. That's all she talks about. I've done the deeper digging, so I "get it" about the charters here. She hasn't/won't. I'm at wits end. |
Anonymous
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DW has an attitude that is out-of-touch with many of DC's young families. I've lived in DC for 20 years, our child arrived in 2008 and just finished year 1 at an up and coming DCPS.
We've always lived in transition parts of town...Dupont, then Adams Morgan, U Street and now CH. I've seen the evolution of people go from 1997:"Let's get married and move to the suburbs and make babies." 2002:"OMG we're pregnant, we need to get outta here for the suburbs." 2007:"Look our kid isn't even walking yet. Let's eek a couple more years out of cityliving. Hey, at least the nannyshare is walkable." 2012: "We're not going to break our precious snowflakes if they attend PS/PK/K in the city...and maybe, just maybe we'll find a way to make it work." Yes there will always be people who leave, but living in the suburbs is increasingly less attractive (traffic, inflitration of same urban issues we have in DC)...and we're close to a tipping point in many parts of the city in terms of having recruited sufficient middle class SES parents to make a lot of schools more viable than they might have been in the past for squeamish parents. |
Anonymous
OP again. Thank goodness for sick days off from work, right. LOL. Anyways, you're definitely on to her. She has mentioned a "high-performing school pyramid in the suburbs" more than once. In fact, often. And, clearly we were not on the same page about moving/staying. Because school starts next month, we'll definitely be staying put for now. What makes me angry is I've actually studied school pyramids in the burbs to the hilt as well. My kid's education is a number 1 to me, so I've investigated every option out there under the sun. DW has not done the same. A burb pyramid has merit as well, although many don't have immersion, which I'm very bullish on. Some do, though in close-in MD and VA. I'm not naysaying those because I like to stick to facts. And there's many great/awesome options there as well. I just believe the choices here in the city are great too- depending on the specific school. I was not happy with the IB option, so I researched charters ad nauseum and, of course, things may change when DS actually starts; however, if the school doesn't measure up, it won't be from lack of research. The test scores are awesome and the immersion program is "great" from talking to parents, seeing the school, reading reviews etc... I simply cannot tolerate someone saying "schools suck in the District and why would you send our son there" etc... with no basis whatsoever. I can't stand it from parents just out there on the playground, let alone my DW. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you should also post on the MAryland board? There may be folks that are more familiar with where your wife is coming from. IF they say that they have regrets, that may go farther with her than if us DC folks say "stay here, the water is fine!!" Personally, I had a similar situation with my husband, and I decided it was only fair to defer to his judgment since he had put so much more time into researching the matter than I had. And I have no regrets, so far! |
Anonymous
| It sounds like your DW wants to live in the 'burbs in a regular house with a yard not a row house in the city. You two don't agree on lifestyle not so much schooling for your kids. |
Anonymous
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Let your wife do the work if she really wants to move. That should stop everything. At least, that worked with my husband. he keeps talking about moving and putting them in another school system. I told him that he would have to do the work because I am burnt out from reseaching and just don't have the energy.
i haven't heard about moving for another school system since that time-and I sure won't ask how the reserach is going. |
Anonymous
OP here. DW is fine with the SFH with yards we've checked out in the city. You're right, she's over rowhouses. Our budget if/when we move can afford something WofP or in DC hoods with larger lots (16th Street Heights, Crestwood, etc...). The reason she poo-poos these neighborhoods now is because she'd rather be in a "high performing pyramid", etc... with no knowledge about what's high performing here. She also won't move far if we decide that's an option. It has to be in the beltway and "urban" like. She wants it both ways- cake and eat it too. And, frankly, doesn't make sense to me. Love her deeply, but she's lost it on this one. |
Anonymous
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Sounds to me like you need some marriage counseling more than you need DCUM advice on school choice. I'm not writing this to be mean. But it sounds to me like you've been living on two different plants on two fundamental aspects of about the next ten years of your life as a family: house & school, and maybe there is other stuff hidden in there such as work/life balance and considerations about what the next 10 years will look like, maybe how much of that will be sucked up by kids and school and how much of it devoted to you as a couple. The book "Smart Couples Finish Rich" gives a few good pointers but I'd say talking this through with someone whose profession that is would be money and time well invested, for your benefit and that of your children, who'll probably be fine regardless but not if their parents pull each others' hair out over schools.
On the substance: I've never hear of a "pyramid" but wanted to add that - at least based on our experience - there is much benefit from choosing what's best now over choosing what's best five years from now, certainly in DC, where the landscape changes more rapidly even than your recognition of your children's needs and inclinations. |
Anonymous
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