DW is a DCPCS naysayer. Advice to shut her down?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I knew I had that coming, posting on DCUM. Thanks, PP. I really mean that. While I arrange marriage counseling and reflect on the next ten years of my life, maybe some who've BTDT could offer non-professional advice for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ OP here. It's for PK4. Thanks for this! Your DH's response is near exact to DW's response. She's still saying our DS will be confused because the school is a language immersion program. I sent her a few articles on language immersion and how it's a benefit, but she won't listen. Every time the conversation is broached, she keeps saying our child's English isn't that great, let alone adding in another language. To clarify, our child is 4 with no language issues- totally a normal 4 year old. Just to pacify DW I talked to our ped who actually knew more about DCI than I did. She was super excited for us. DW is still naysaying.

I understand her totally about your DS going to an immersion school and not knowing English too great. This was a discussion I had with my childs father and we just decided that we would have to do more at home to instill our DD English language skills. Currently she speaks both English and Spanish and at times her English is backwards like the Spanish language. We didn't get into any of the spanish immersion schools but will try again next year.

[Anonymous]

Where did your wife grow up? I grew up in a city, and so did my DH; for us, raising kids in the city was a no-brainer.

But all the folks I hung out with in DC (people who enthusiastically lived on 14th Street or the Hill in the '90s) have moved to the burbs with their kids, b/c for them, that's the no-brainer. "You can't raise kids in the city," one of them said, like it's a given.

[Anonymous]

You should ask your wife if she would like to talk to a teacher/principal, etc. To prove that Stokes or Lamb or Mundo Verde or wherever is a perfectly normal place for a child with full potential, not someplace that will hold your kid back.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We both grew up in the burbs, but were hell bent to get back to the city. Moved back before kids and have been fine with the kids, though our busy street, chaotic alleyway and lack of green space has been biting at us both for a long time. However, there are plenty of neighborhoods in the city proper that provide more green and are more quiet. I'd happily move to one in a heart beat. This is more about a lack of awareness on her part with respect to schools. Whereas I felt compelled to camp out and am not shocked about the length of WLs at many of the "top" charters, DW is like "huh"? She's baffled by my sense of urgency and was extremely annoyed the night I decided to camp out at a particular school. As far as having her talk to someone from the school, I don't think it'll matter much now because DS is starting at the school in the fall regardless of anything. DW will see the school plenty then.

[Anonymous]

I am the first PP. We live in 16th st heights--great neighborhood if you got the schools nailed down (and if you are IB for Shepherd, which we are not, you have options if charter does not work out).

I would stay put for the year. See how it goes. If well, then discuss moving to desired neighborhoods for elementary school. DCI is a long way off, so there is no guarantee that high school is going to be great, but no guarantee that the Montgomery county school that looks so great (or crappy) now will be the same in 8 years either.

Sometimes, shifting responsibility makes a difference. When DH reacted that way about schools, I told him it was his turn to find an alternative that we could afford and that we wanted to do (eg, private ? move? etc). Needless to say, he's now totally on board with trying the charter. At the same time, I had to tone down my 'know it all cause I read it all' attitude and listen to his side. I acknowledged that we do not know how DC will do in this charter, that even though the school goes through HS there is no guarantee he will do well there, or we will want to stay, etc. We have agreed to decide to stay, in principle, for early elementary and evaluate, but that just as moving is not off the table for me, staying is not off the table for him.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

You guys need to team up and figure out what you each want and what you're each willing to compromise. And if one of you is going to take the initiative and make decisions that need to be made, then the other spouse needs to stop griping. That said, OP, you seem very focused on how much you "busted your ass" which honestly, could easily start to feel annoying to those in your household if I find it annoying to read multiple times in a short thread. You feel unappreciated and have lost some respect for your spouse because she is so seemingly checked out on such an important decision. My gut sense is she wants to leave the District and embrace the suburban life. The quicker you guys talk about that and make a decision, the better. And while I get that you have invested time and effort and the waiting in line stuff, that doesn't mean the path you've found is the right path for your child or your family. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have sacrificed and researched and have been rewarded with a spot at the school they so desired only to learn that the school wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. So don't be too indignant.

[Anonymous]

Just curious, are there any charters besides Yu Ying where the wait list is time stamped, so parents camp out to get a spot? I had the impression Yu Ying was unique in this regard...

[Anonymous]

Yu Ying and Stokes order their waitlists according to time stamp but Stokes went to on line only so OP obviously is talking about YY,

[Anonymous]

OP, other than lifestyle it does not sound like either of you are particularly enthusiastic about Mandarin although you are in the "bilingual is good" and any language will work camp.

Hope you can get enthusiastic about Mandarin b/c while it matters little in the lower grades, whether the family can support Mandarin grows as a factor in how well your child does academically as your child gets older.

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is that your wife resents (more or less subconsciously) all the dedication and commitment you have made for your child, and attempts to belittle your achievement to make herself feel better that she did not do this herself. She probably wants to be seen as this "has-it-all" working mother - any sign of uberparenting on your part will be scoffed at.

Of course, I may be totally going out on a limb, crashing to the ground and breaking my leg here. But I've seen this so many times among couples, my own included.

Remind her forcefully of all your efforts, and tell her that you do not want them to come to nothing. You will move, but in a few years, period.

[Anonymous]

You think Yu Ying is all that? Maybe you're the one who needs to be shut down.

[Anonymous]

The title of the thread shows you're taking the wrong attitude. Instead of shutting her down, listen to her concerns. For me, I have never been thrilled with the dynamics of our IB school. The compromise for us was shopping around, getting on a few waitlists to DCPS elementaries which take more OOB students and charters, and ultimately getting a call during the first week of school and making the switch.

DH will always be more enthusiastic about the IB school, while I gladly drive across town to avoid it. Finding the right fit for your DC isn't a bridge to far, but it's alot of work. Don't make it a war or a shutdown. Your marriage takes precedence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The bottom line is that your wife resents (more or less subconsciously) all the dedication and commitment you have made for your child, and attempts to belittle your achievement to make herself feel better that she did not do this herself. She probably wants to be seen as this "has-it-all" working mother - any sign of uberparenting on your part will be scoffed at.

Of course, I may be totally going out on a limb, crashing to the ground and breaking my leg here. But I've seen this so many times among couples, my own included.

Remind her forcefully of all your efforts, and tell her that you do not want them to come to nothing. You will move, but in a few years, period.

The above PP shows the entirely wrong approach to take. Avoid the Iagos you'll inevitably find on DCUM. See all points of view, remember you married your DW and had a child with her because you love her, see the marriage as an equal partnership, and put all disagreements in their properly place: secondary to the marriage itself.

Winning is not all it's cut out to be. The best answer is the situation in which your child gets a good school and neither parent feels "scoffed at" or "belittled," so try to find the "middle way."

[Anonymous]

She wants to live in the burbs and does not care about immersion. You want to live in the city and send your kid to an immersion school.

Yeah, you need to be on the same page.