Neighbor's son with cognitive delay

[Anonymous]

My neighbor's son has a syndrome that causes a cognitive delay. He is 4. My son is also 4. When I am playing outside with the kids my neighbor often brings her son by to play. I'm happy to have him over because he is medically fragile and doesn't get a chance to play outside very often for fear of infection. The problem is that my son tells me that he doesn't like the little boy. I think my son doesn't like him because he doesn't understand the kids' games and doesn't socialize like other kids. I want this little boy to be included in the play but I'm not sure how to communicate to my 4-year-old that the neighbor requires patience and sometimes doesn't understand his games.

How would you approach this with your child?

[Anonymous]

Have you asked your child why he doesn't like this other kid? Don't make assumptions.

If it's important to you to include this child, tell your child just that. Make a suggestion of something they can play together.

[Anonymous]

OP it is good of you to be sensitive to the fact that this little boy wants and needs to play, and to be thinking about how to help your son understand how to play with him.

Do you think it would work to tell your son that this little boy has a condition that makes him different from some other little kids, so can't always understand the games that your son normally plays, but that he still wants to play? Could you come up with some simpler ways they could play together? Maybe throwing a ball back and forth, or something like that they might both enjoy?

[Anonymous]

I don't force my kids to play with kids they don't like. They spend enough time being forced to do things they don't want to, both at home and at school. Playing is for having fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't force my kids to play with kids they don't like. They spend enough time being forced to do things they don't want to, both at home and at school. Playing is for having fun.

This is the OP. I understand your point. But this boy lives across the street and asks his mom to bring him over whenever my boys and the other neighborhood kids are playing outside. He is very obviously different. How do you teach your kids to interact with kids who are different? We certainly can't turn our backs to him when he comes over. He is a very sweet and gentle boy who is also lonely. He doesn't go school or daycare because of his condition, so there aren't very many opportunities for him to play with other kids.

[Anonymous]

We have two friends who have children with special needs. I told my sons a simple "Their brain doesn't work exactly how yours does, they think a little differently and do things differently. How do you think you can play together?" We suggest some ideas for things that might work since they don't want to do the same games mine do.

It is hard to teach children that others are different but not "worse" - it's touchy for good reason. But worth the work. FWIW, my sons have never gotten entirely comfortable with those SN children but we do keep the playdates going and I hope they're helpful for those kids and mine as well. I like your attitude OP.

[Anonymous]

Because they are 4 and not 14, I as the parent would take the reigns when the neighbor is over and i would direct the play. I would not leave 4 yr olds to wing it and hope they got it right and include the differently abled child appropriately and in a way that protects his self esteem.

I would also give my own kid a heads up that this kind of "interruption" may occur from time to time, and "that's the way it is.". In this conversation -- out of earshot of the neighbor family -- THIS is when I'd ask my own 4 yr old for his input on games and also let him talk candidly about how he feels.

But I'd remain firm on inclusion, unlike the dick unthread from 1952. Inclusion of the more vulnerable is nonnegotiable in our house, like learning how to swim and teeth brushing.

[Anonymous]

What about inviting the child over for some one on one play with your child.

Call the mom and say hey does bobby want to play.

When she says yes. Ask her what does bobby like to play with at home.

Find something the kids can bond over and playing in general at other times will be easy if there is a connection between the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't force my kids to play with kids they don't like. They spend enough time being forced to do things they don't want to, both at home and at school. Playing is for having fun.

Really? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't force my kids to play with kids they don't like. They spend enough time being forced to do things they don't want to, both at home and at school. Playing is for having fun.

Really? Really?

Yes, really. That doesn't mean I won't explain, "hey, that kid has a medical problem and you have to be extra gentle with him. i think he wants to play, so if you see an opportunity to put him in the game, go for it." But I won't force my kid to play with every single tom, dick and harry who wanders by. Just like I won't give the teenagers who don't include my 6 and 8 yr old girls in their ball games in the street a hard time because they're too young.

[Anonymous]

Op again. Thank you for the helpful suggestions. I definitely think I should invite the boy over for a play date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't force my kids to play with kids they don't like. They spend enough time being forced to do things they don't want to, both at home and at school. Playing is for having fun.

Really? Really?

Yes, really. That doesn't mean I won't explain, "hey, that kid has a medical problem and you have to be extra gentle with him. i think he wants to play, so if you see an opportunity to put him in the game, go for it." But I won't force my kid to play with every single tom, dick and harry who wanders by. Just like I won't give the teenagers who don't include my 6 and 8 yr old girls in their ball games in the street a hard time because they're too young.

Suppose you live in a neighborhood where all the kids play together except one child. No one wants to play with that child because he is different from them. Would you try to include that child in the neighborhood? Or allow the whole neighborhood, including your children, to exclude the child? No age difference. Not a tom, dick or harry wandering by, but someone who lives in a house on the same street as the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't force my kids to play with kids they don't like. They spend enough time being forced to do things they don't want to, both at home and at school. Playing is for having fun.

Really? Really?

Yes, really. That doesn't mean I won't explain, "hey, that kid has a medical problem and you have to be extra gentle with him. i think he wants to play, so if you see an opportunity to put him in the game, go for it." But I won't force my kid to play with every single tom, dick and harry who wanders by. Just like I won't give the teenagers who don't include my 6 and 8 yr old girls in their ball games in the street a hard time because they're too young.

Suppose you live in a neighborhood where all the kids play together except one child. No one wants to play with that child because he is different from them. Would you try to include that child in the neighborhood? Or allow the whole neighborhood, including your children, to exclude the child? No age difference. Not a tom, dick or harry wandering by, but someone who lives in a house on the same street as the rest.

Op here. This is our situation. There are about 8 kids from ages 3-7 on our street (and adjacent street) and they all play together. They also tend to play in front of my house because I put out lots of toys and bikes for the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I would ask your son why he doesn't like this kid and listen to what he says.

Also, you can let him know that it's okay not to like someone but he needs to be polite. So when this boy is over playing they don't necessarily have to play together just don't actively exclude him.

12:01 you're don't know how lucky you are. I wish there were less parents like you; maybe SN kids wouldn't get shunned as much on the playground or in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have a similar situation with a child in my son's preschool class who we also see out and about in the neighborhood. She's a bit older, with cognitive delays, and my 4 year old has told me he "doesn't like Jenny" on a few occasions. I can understand where he's coming from - she plays differently than he is used to and doesn't really understand personal boundaries. At the same time, I think it's really important that he learn empathy and that it's important to be kind to everyone. I've told him that he doesn't always need to play with Jenny, but that he does need to be polite and he should try to include her at least sometimes since that would make her happy (and it's alway nice to do what you can to make other people happy). I got the sense that he was a little frightened by her differences, and he actually did better once I acknowledged them. I think pressuring him to be best buddies would be counter productive, but I do what I can to help him start seeing that she can be fun just like the other kids in the neighborhood and praise him for being kind.

In your situation, I think it would be great to invite the neighbor over for a playdate -- especially if you plan something ahead of time that you know your son would enjoy too, so it's a positive experience all around. Your son might do better with that than more free-form running around outside, and I'm sure the other family would appreciate it. My nephew has some pretty significant cognitive and social delays, and I know it means the world to him (and his mom) when the NT kids, and their families, reach out to him.