Neighbor's son with cognitive delay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have a similar situation with a child in my son's preschool class who we also see out and about in the neighborhood. She's a bit older, with cognitive delays, and my 4 year old has told me he "doesn't like Jenny" on a few occasions. I can understand where he's coming from - she plays differently than he is used to and doesn't really understand personal boundaries. At the same time, I think it's really important that he learn empathy and that it's important to be kind to everyone. I've told him that he doesn't always need to play with Jenny, but that he does need to be polite and he should try to include her at least sometimes since that would make her happy (and it's alway nice to do what you can to make other people happy). I got the sense that he was a little frightened by her differences, and he actually did better once I acknowledged them. I think pressuring him to be best buddies would be counter productive, but I do what I can to help him start seeing that she can be fun just like the other kids in the neighborhood and praise him for being kind.

In your situation, I think it would be great to invite the neighbor over for a playdate -- especially if you plan something ahead of time that you know your son would enjoy too, so it's a positive experience all around. Your son might do better with that than more free-form running around outside, and I'm sure the other family would appreciate it. My nephew has some pretty significant cognitive and social delays, and I know it means the world to him (and his mom) when the NT kids, and their families, reach out to him.

This is a very good point. For a little kid, "I don't like Jenny" might easily mean "I am freaked out by Jenny because she's different." Letting them know that yes, it's true Jenny acts different, but it's important that you be kind and think of ways to make her feel included is a great message. Will help ensure that your kid will not grow up to be an asshole like 12:01.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't force my kids to play with kids they don't like. They spend enough time being forced to do things they don't want to, both at home and at school. Playing is for having fun.

This is the OP. I understand your point. But this boy lives across the street and asks his mom to bring him over whenever my boys and the other neighborhood kids are playing outside. He is very obviously different. How do you teach your kids to interact with kids who are different? We certainly can't turn our backs to him when he comes over. He is a very sweet and gentle boy who is also lonely. He doesn't go school or daycare because of his condition, so there aren't very many opportunities for him to play with other kids.

Try to explain to your son his condition. Just be there supervising those 2. When older, your son would feel horrible if you listened to the poster before and stopped playing with the boy.You'd feel horrible.It's normal for your boy to feel that he doesn't want to play with the boy,but it's a very good opportunity to talk to him about different people.
I feel bad for all the kids in my school who were different and very bullied or ignored/avoided by others.What makes it worse is that the teachers and other grownups let it happen.

[Anonymous]

so many insensitive people here today!!

When I was a child, my parents TAUGHT me to be gracious and kind!!! Why does everyone find it necessary to try to reason with, or explain complicated things to a 4 yr old when they don't have the capacity to truly understand stuff like this.

Its pretty damn simple OP. You teach your children to be kind and gracious and include your neighbor's son whenever possible- when they are outside playing. That is the right thing to do, that is the HUMAN thing to do.

Put your child in this boy's shoes for just one second, or put yourself in that mom's shoes for just ONE SECOND. Don't you think she already has enough on her shoulders without having to worry about whether or not her son will be accepted by the neighborhood kids? its only for 30 mins to an hour. surely your children can spare that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so many insensitive people here today!!

When I was a child, my parents TAUGHT me to be gracious and kind!!! Why does everyone find it necessary to try to reason with, or explain complicated things to a 4 yr old when they don't have the capacity to truly understand stuff like this.

Its pretty damn simple OP. You teach your children to be kind and gracious and include your neighbor's son whenever possible- when they are outside playing. That is the right thing to do, that is the HUMAN thing to do.

Put your child in this boy's shoes for just one second, or put yourself in that mom's shoes for just ONE SECOND. Don't you think she already has enough on her shoulders without having to worry about whether or not her son will be accepted by the neighborhood kids? its only for 30 mins to an hour. surely your children can spare that!

Huh? This is the Op. If I didn't want to include the boy, I wouldn't have posted? I want the kids to play with him. That was the point of my post.

I simply want to encourage my son who is only 4 to be patient and understanding with someone who is different. It may seem simple to you but my child is only 4 and doesn't understand why Johnny is so different.

Thanks to those of you who posted such helpful suggestions.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for caring. It means a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for caring. It means a lot.

+1

[Anonymous]

One thing that might work is to suggest that your child show the other child how to do something (e.g., can you show Billy how the sand sifter works). At my son's daycare, the teacher asked him to be a "helper" to another little boy with some cognitive disabilities, and he really enjoys being the one that knows how to do stuff and show someone else. DS is not intrinsically all that altruistic, but he loves being the "teacher"/role model.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is four..he is to young to know who he likes and dislikes. As his mother do the right thing and teach him he must be kind and patient with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many insensitive people here today!!

When I was a child, my parents TAUGHT me to be gracious and kind!!! Why does everyone find it necessary to try to reason with, or explain complicated things to a 4 yr old when they don't have the capacity to truly understand stuff like this.

Its pretty damn simple OP. You teach your children to be kind and gracious and include your neighbor's son whenever possible- when they are outside playing. That is the right thing to do, that is the HUMAN thing to do.

Put your child in this boy's shoes for just one second, or put yourself in that mom's shoes for just ONE SECOND. Don't you think she already has enough on her shoulders without having to worry about whether or not her son will be accepted by the neighborhood kids? its only for 30 mins to an hour. surely your children can spare that!

Huh? This is the Op. If I didn't want to include the boy, I wouldn't have posted? I want the kids to play with him. That was the point of my post.

I simply want to encourage my son who is only 4 to be patient and understanding with someone who is different. It may seem simple to you but my child is only 4 and doesn't understand why Johnny is so different.

Thanks to those of you who posted such helpful suggestions.

Was not referring to you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is four..he is to young to know who he likes and dislikes. As his mother do the right thing and teach him he must be kind and patient with others.

Agree here.

Thanks for posting the initial question OP.

And to the MEAN PP, if your child didn't like the one child on the street who happened to look different, as opposed to being medically frail and different, would that too be ok with you? Because you know, you don't want to make your child play with someone he has determined he doesn't like at the age of 4. It's always wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't force my kids to play with kids they don't like. They spend enough time being forced to do things they don't want to, both at home and at school. Playing is for having fun.

Really? Really?

Yes, really. That doesn't mean I won't explain, "hey, that kid has a medical problem and you have to be extra gentle with him. i think he wants to play, so if you see an opportunity to put him in the game, go for it." But I won't force my kid to play with every single tom, dick and harry who wanders by. Just like I won't give the teenagers who don't include my 6 and 8 yr old girls in their ball games in the street a hard time because they're too young.

You sound like a snooty jerk. I won't be inviting your kid over to play at my house EVER

[Anonymous]

Hi OP- I commend you for trying to include this child as I think there is something of value in it for both kids! I'm inclined to side with previous posts that suggest you prepare in advance by learning more about your neighbor's skill sets and what he enjoys in terms of play. Put your creative energy to work and think up some simple and appropriate games for the neighbor and when he comes to visit you can lead by example to show your son how to play with him. I suspect that if your child is like most, when he sees you having fun with the neighbor he will take a great interest in joining in. That's when you step out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is four..he is to young to know who he likes and dislikes. As his mother do the right thing and teach him he must be kind and patient with others.

Agree here.

Thanks for posting the initial question OP.

And to the MEAN PP, if your child didn't like the one child on the street who happened to look different, as opposed to being medically frail and different, would that too be ok with you? Because you know, you don't want to make your child play with someone he has determined he doesn't like at the age of 4. It's always wrong.

My kid is four and doesn't like to play with the 3 yr old across the street who always picks his nose or the 5 yr old who is always shoving his hands down his pants. I think that's FINE.

[Anonymous]

As a mom to a LO who will be the "different kid." I am so relieved to read parents of NT kids who have empathy and teach it to their kids.

To 12:01, if you think it's too uncomfortable for your kids to learn to play with someonimagine special needs, imagine what it's like for that kid's parents to learn RAISE a kid with a physical or mental disability. Or a rare medical condition, sometimes undiagnosable.

It's not like there are waiting parents who are experts on the topic and then they signed up on a waiting list to raise a child with that disability. Instead, you get dropped into it blind and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so many insensitive people here today!!

When I was a child, my parents TAUGHT me to be gracious and kind!!! Why does everyone find it necessary to try to reason with, or explain complicated things to a 4 yr old when they don't have the capacity to truly understand stuff like this.

Its pretty damn simple OP. You teach your children to be kind and gracious and include your neighbor's son whenever possible- when they are outside playing. That is the right thing to do, that is the HUMAN thing to do.

Put your child in this boy's shoes for just one second, or put yourself in that mom's shoes for just ONE SECOND. Don't you think she already has enough on her shoulders without having to worry about whether or not her son will be accepted by the neighborhood kids? its only for 30 mins to an hour. surely your children can spare that!

Did you post to the wrong thread or something?