What one issue strains your relationship with your parents?

[Anonymous]

A vent and a question.

What one issue strains your adult relationship with your mom?

For me it is that I cannot maintain her level of clutter free, perfect looking housekeeping. I definitely know that my tolerance for some clutter stems from a childhood of super strict no clutter anywhere vigilance by my mom. We spend time at her beach house in the summer with extended family with lots of people around. I do a lot of the cooking, grocery shopping, bringing chairs, snacks/supplies to the beach, all of the hard core cleaning on the main floor I work to maintain no clutter (bathroom cleaning, mopping floors), beach towel laundry, etc. Upstairs, my 3 children share a room and occasionally, the room can looked "lived in". We make the beds and I do laundry just about every day but sometimes life takes over and we get some clutter. If it doesn't look like a hotel room, my mom freaks and makes me feel like a failure-in spite of everything else that I do in the house. We go back and forth on this and I know the answer is to just maintain her standards in her house. I get it-on my way to fully hotel-ize the upstairs and I will apologize and thank her again for use of the beach house.

Just wondering, does anyone else have these revolving door issues that never go away?

This issue seems silly, and I guess we are lucky that this is the issue. We have healthy kids, productive careers, good marriages and do spend a lot of happy time together as an extended family. But she really got me this time.

Thanks for the vent, no advice needed, I know that clutter can be my Achille's heel and I know what to do to fix it.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom sounds kind of mean. I would suggest standing up to her on this point.

With a smile: "Mom, it's just for a week. You know I will leave the room clean when we leave, so if you could relax and enjoy our presence here, I would appreciate it. I'd rather spend more time with you than spend the whole vacation scrubbing and cleaning. Why don't we go see what the kids are up to?"

[Anonymous]

That she is a devout, literal Catholic and I am an atheist.

[Anonymous]

Yet, you choose to spend your vacations like that every year? Why?

[Anonymous]

That my parents both have emotional issues they vehemently deny and have never dealt with and they are unable to have meaningful relationships with their children as adults.

[Anonymous]

Meh - they ALL have issues, even the good ones. Or maybe I'm the one with all of the issues...whatever.

My advice: keep your visits pleasant and don't over stay your welcome.

[Anonymous]

My parents have passed away, but with my IL, the one issue is money money money. They borrow money all the time, never repay anything and just can't sustain themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you mother treat a non-family guest as she treats you when you are visiting? I think you need to address this with her or dial back on your visits. A "free" beach vaca ain't so free when it comes with so much emotional baggage (which you're likely burdening your children with too if they are being hounded throughout the day each day to "clean up after themselves because grandma likes a super neat house.") I'm suspected an OCD diagnosis for your mom?

[Anonymous]

That my mom and siblings scapegoat me and talk negatively about me, don't value me or pay as much attention to me, etc.

[Anonymous]

Pp ps. I always get the worst of everything among the siblings

[Anonymous]

Visiting. With both sets of parents.

My parents don't come as often, but when they come, they (well, mostly my Dad) wants to stay for at least 4 days. We have a small house, and we start to get pretty stressed out with each other after about 2 days. I wish they'd come for more frequent but shorter visits but my Dad complains about all the driving. It's better when DH isn't around (because he gets really irritated and then I get mad at him for being mad). I try to have them visit when DH is out of town for at least part of the time which helps.

My in-laws seem to have no concept that we work and have limited free time and vacation time and don't want to spend the vast majority of it with them. They want to visit (or have us visit) constantly and get really whiny if we tell them the timing doesn't work. They plan beach trips with no input from us on timing/location/etc and then pout when we say we can't join them. We get constant jabs about how we need to save vacation time to spend with them next year. I really feel like asking them how many vacations they took with their parents (DH says none) but it would just result in MIl crying, so it's not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A vent and a question.

What one issue strains your adult relationship with your mom?

For me it is that I cannot maintain her level of clutter free, perfect looking housekeeping. I definitely know that my tolerance for some clutter stems from a childhood of super strict no clutter anywhere vigilance by my mom. We spend time at her beach house in the summer with extended family with lots of people around. I do a lot of the cooking, grocery shopping, bringing chairs, snacks/supplies to the beach, all of the hard core cleaning on the main floor I work to maintain no clutter (bathroom cleaning, mopping floors), beach towel laundry, etc. Upstairs, my 3 children share a room and occasionally, the room can looked "lived in". We make the beds and I do laundry just about every day but sometimes life takes over and we get some clutter. If it doesn't look like a hotel room, my mom freaks and makes me feel like a failure-in spite of everything else that I do in the house. We go back and forth on this and I know the answer is to just maintain her standards in her house. I get it-on my way to fully hotel-ize the upstairs and I will apologize and thank her again for use of the beach house.

Just wondering, does anyone else have these revolving door issues that never go away?

This issue seems silly, and I guess we are lucky that this is the issue. We have healthy kids, productive careers, good marriages and do spend a lot of happy time together as an extended family. But she really got me this time.

Thanks for the vent, no advice needed, I know that clutter can be my Achille's heel and I know what to do to fix it.

The thing that has most colored our relationship is that I haven't lived up to my "potential". It got much worse when I became a sahp after having two special needs children. She felt and still feels that I have turned my back on her and her generation that fought so hard to keep women in the workplace after marriage and motherhood. Apparently, she fought for a different set of iron clad rules and expectations for women as opposed to the freedom of choice.

[Anonymous]

I'm with OP on level of cleanliness. My mom cleans my (perfectly clean, done just before she arrived) house every time she visits. No matter what I do, it's not good enough.

And PP at 12:39 on the ILs ASSuming every single bit of PTO we get should be spent with them on family vacations and/or to take off for the whole week when they decide to visit. Somehow the concept of PTO being finite eludes them, as does the fact that according to my H, they took exactly 2 trips his entire youth with his grandparents...we've been on 3 in the last 5 years.

[Anonymous]

My parents are difficult, negative people, the world is against them, if they get cut off in traffic, it was out of spite, When they visit and my kids are being kids, they tell at them for being loud, etc, and then they say- but that's what kids do. They don't get sick often, or if they do, they just power through it and have no sympathy for you if you are sick and act like you are being dramatic. Oh, and they curse all the time, at each other and other people/ cars on the road, etc and gang on when I am disciplining my children. On top of it they drink to the point of getting drunk all the time.

[Anonymous]

Too many to count. You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.