Is your DH a jerk when you're with his side of the family?

[Anonymous]

My DH is definitely not Prince Charming when we're with his side if the family. Unfortunately, we're with them for most of a week. Thoughts on how to handle it? He was raised to think men shouldn't cook, clean, help out, and while he's kind if a jerk at home, he's much worse here. I feel like I'm sacrificing my vacation time (and my sanity) to be here for a week and getting no appreciation or help or accommodation.

Dear dcum, help me out!

[Anonymous]

Have you had a conversation with him about it?

Do you have kids? If so, just remind him that x, y, and z still need to be done while you're with the ILs, and which would he prefer to be in charge of? Don't let him off the hook. You don't have to cave to their unhealthy family culture.

[Anonymous]

We have 2 small kids. He becomes very stubborn, angry, and negative.

[Anonymous]

SIL becomes an even worse Princess Bitch when the family is around.

It gets old, fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is definitely not Prince Charming when we're with his side if the family. Unfortunately, we're with them for most of a week. Thoughts on how to handle it? He was raised to think men shouldn't cook, clean, help out, and while he's kind if a jerk at home, he's much worse here. I feel like I'm sacrificing my vacation time (and my sanity) to be here for a week and getting no appreciation or help or accommodation.

Dear dcum, help me out!

The only one who can help you out is...you. The statement in bold says it all. Why do you expect him to step up and help out when he is with the very family that raised him to be "kind of a jerk"?

If you view him that way, it's time to do some serious reassessment of who he is and why you married him and why you tolerate remaining with "kind of a jerk." Why do you? And why don't you call him out on it at home (if you DO call him out on it and he doesn't change....he's an even bigger jerk)?

Vacation isn't fun for you. Home doesn't sound like a haven if he's also a no-cook, no-clean, no-help jerk at home. Your post focuses on this one week of his behavior and on blaming it on his being around family. Aren't you missing the real issue here? A jerk is being a bigger jerk for this week. Think hard about why you allow it to go on either on vacation or at home.

As for how to handle this one week: Don't. Pack up the kids and leave early if you're miserable, leaving him to have "fun" with his relatives but without you. DH will hate it. Good. It might be the slap in the face he needs. when he gets home, present him with his chore list and the dates and times of your upcoming couples counseling sessions.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know what you mean and I think some of the PPs are missing your point.

We all revert back to our little selves when around our families of origin and it can be very unnerving to see a spouse do so. I've noticed the same thing in my DH"s family, which is fairly dysfunctional if you ask me, and he is the most sane of the group. In his attempts to normalize their weirdness, he becomes more outspoken, thinks he's a real comedian and will do anything (including make pokes at me) to get them to laugh, so that it will appear that we're all having "fun" together. Ha Ha. Realizing that it's always been that way, long before I entered the picture, helps. I try not to take it personally, but I know it's hard.

After 12 years of marriage I've accepted that I'm only going to fit into this family to a certain minimal degree. And that's fine. I minimize the time I have to spent there, while being conscious of the fact that I do want my kids to know their (equally weird) cousins. It's a delicate balance but try to find a middle ground and realize that he probably doesn't even realize what he's doing/ saying.

[Anonymous]

OP, to answer your question: yes. That is all I have to say about this topic.

[Anonymous]

15:26-well said. Np here. I am in the same boat this week, so we can support each other, seriously! My friends all seem to want something from their own IL'S, so they refuse to sympathize. 19 years here, so I know what you are talking about. You are not alone. It is ugly. I always thought there should be support groups for saints like us, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:26-well said. Np here. I am in the same boat this week, so we can support each other, seriously! My friends all seem to want something from their own IL'S, so they refuse to sympathize. 19 years here, so I know what you are talking about. You are not alone. It is ugly. I always thought there should be support groups for saints like us, really.

Thank you and thanks to the other POs who know what I mean. I am seeing the very worst if my DH. He's a real di#% when his family is involved at all. I should have known a week with them was too much. I always come away with visits with the in laws feeling as if we should divorce because we're just too different at the core...

Case in point - I have an aunt in the town we're staying in. DH is refusing to go see her bc she visited DC 1 month ago, so he doesn't want to see her. He's refusing loudly. In front of his whole family. So basically, insulting me in front of his whole family. I wish id never agreed to come here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is definitely not Prince Charming when we're with his side if the family. Unfortunately, we're with them for most of a week. Thoughts on how to handle it? He was raised to think men shouldn't cook, clean, help out, and while he's kind if a jerk at home, he's much worse here. I feel like I'm sacrificing my vacation time (and my sanity) to be here for a week and getting no appreciation or help or accommodation.

Dear dcum, help me out!

Don't go!! Send him with the kids and stay home and relax!

[Anonymous]

Why do you want him to go with you to visit your aunt if he is being a jerk?
Leave and go by yourself.
Stop being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Don't go!! Send him with the kids and stay home and relax!

I did that this year. Pissed him off like hell, but it was the best decision that I have made for myself in a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Don't go!! Send him with the kids and stay home and relax!

I did that this year. Pissed him off like hell, but it was the best decision that I have made for myself in a long time.

so say, "you are not treating me well. either start treating me well, or I am going to go home or go stay with my aunt.:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:26-well said. Np here. I am in the same boat this week, so we can support each other, seriously! My friends all seem to want something from their own IL'S, so they refuse to sympathize. 19 years here, so I know what you are talking about. You are not alone. It is ugly. I always thought there should be support groups for saints like us, really.

Thank you and thanks to the other POs who know what I mean. I am seeing the very worst if my DH. He's a real di#% when his family is involved at all. I should have known a week with them was too much. I always come away with visits with the in laws feeling as if we should divorce because we're just too different at the core...

Case in point - I have an aunt in the town we're staying in. DH is refusing to go see her bc she visited DC 1 month ago, so he doesn't want to see her. He's refusing loudly. In front of his whole family. So basically, insulting me in front of his whole family. I wish id never agreed to come here.

The good news is that when you outlive your husband, you will never have to deal with his shit again.

Meanwhile, visit your aunt by yourself. It will probably be more enjoyable without your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 2 small kids. He becomes very stubborn, angry, and negative.

Stay home with the kids for one or two gatherings and let DH face his family alone. He'll get to deal with his family solo. I bet you'll see a change. He might even beg you to go back with him.