Is your DH a jerk when you're with his side of the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL becomes an even worse Princess Bitch when the family is around.

It gets old, fast.

So very sorry you have to go through this. Unfortunately, she may get much, much worse as she ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want him to go with you to visit your aunt if he is being a jerk?
Leave and go by yourself.
Stop being a martyr.

Op here - I have never been offered one of their cars to drive and she lives far away - I can't walk and there's no public transport to there and I don't want to ask her to pick me up (elderly).

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP! My DH was raised by an all-female family (mom and her sisters, grandmother, great grandmother). They worship him, adore him, etc. When we are with them, he turns into a little brat, giving orders, throwing semi-tantrums, it's so annoying, I wish I've never met him. They cater to him and God forbid anyone interrupts him when he's talking. I am, on the other hand, being treated by his family as the "junior mom", who is in charge of their treasure, but does not know what's she's doing.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws are alcoholics and the rest of his family drinks at all family functions. They are not a very loving family. After years of putting up with them and my husband who would drink as much as them I had enough of their toxicity. We fought about his family for years but I finally drew the line. Either he could be the best husband and father and not let them ruin our lives or we were through. His family will never change but how my DH and I spend time with them or interact has changed a lot. My DH is a much healthier and happier person now that we don't let his family suck the life out of our family. They can finish their life in a bottle of vodka but they will not hurt us any longer.

[Anonymous]

Interesting. We are currently spending a week with in-laws, who are great, and DH has always acted weird when we are visiting them vs. them visiting us. It is like he has something to prove when he's "back home"; obvious hints about his level of success and different dynamics with his children and wife (me). Glad to hear that it's not just him. He is mostly great, btw, so it's not a big deal in the scheme of things, but I'm glad to hear that it's a common phenomenon for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want him to go with you to visit your aunt if he is being a jerk?
Leave and go by yourself.
Stop being a martyr.

Op here - I have never been offered one of their cars to drive and she lives far away - I can't walk and there's no public transport to there and I don't want to ask her to pick me up (elderly).

Why not ask to borrow a car? If they won't lend it to you, what about renting a car for the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want him to go with you to visit your aunt if he is being a jerk?
Leave and go by yourself.
Stop being a martyr.

Op here - I have never been offered one of their cars to drive and she lives far away - I can't walk and there's no public transport to there and I don't want to ask her to pick me up (elderly).

huh? so your dh could borrow a car but you cant? ask to borrow the same car that dh would borrow if he drove you there
or call a cab

[Anonymous]

op, you seem to enjoy being a martyr/victim. Stop whining and stick up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

For goodness sake, take your dh aside and quietly remind him that you need help with the cooking/cleaning/kids - you're his wife not his nanny/cook/maid. He probably is having a good time and isn't even aware that he hasn't been helping you and that your are (rightly) annoyed with him.

Then suggest that you could use a little alone time together: maybe you, dh & the kids could take a day trip to a museum one day or maybe your little family could even spend one night at a hotel. If that won't work, see if he can drop you off for a visit with your Aunt and return to pick you up.

If none of that will work, try taking some peaceful walks around the neighborhood or close the door to the bedroom and read for a little.

[Anonymous]

Yes, as 15:26 said we all have a tendency to revert back to our childhood roles when around our families of origin. And this can be stressful when dealing with inlaws.
OP, one of the things that helped us several years ago was to get very firm on boundaries. This followed years of post visit arguments over stuff his family did (trying to "save" our souls, obnoxious older BIL who would pick verbal fights) and my husband's reluctance to address these issues head on as they occurred.
We decided that we needed to stand firm as a couple and let family know what is and is not acceptable behavior. And as a spouse I let DH know that I wouldn't make anymore trips if I continued to feel as if he didn't have my back.
It has meant seeing family less and for much shorter visits and not seeing some family members at all.
However those changes are well worth the peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP! My DH was raised by an all-female family (mom and her sisters, grandmother, great grandmother). They worship him, adore him, etc. When we are with them, he turns into a little brat, giving orders, throwing semi-tantrums, it's so annoying, I wish I've never met him. They cater to him and God forbid anyone interrupts him when he's talking. I am, on the other hand, being treated by his family as the "junior mom", who is in charge of their treasure, but does not know what's she's doing.

"Junior mom" - this is probably one of the funniest posts that I've ever read on DCUM, I about spit out my coffee this morning. Your description of this family is hilarious. Lol

[Anonymous]

Yes - i am sick of it too. But we're soon moving to the other side of the world and I will have him all to my self

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes - i am sick of it too. But we're soon moving to the other side of the world and I will have him all to my self

Whatever will those ladies do without their little man, their pressure treasure, to dote on? I can almost hear their mournful screams from where I sit..

But, seriously, sometimes a move like that can be the best thing for ya. Best wishes for much happiness in your new location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For goodness sake, take your dh aside and quietly remind him that you need help with the cooking/cleaning/kids - you're his wife not his nanny/cook/maid. He probably is having a good time and isn't even aware that he hasn't been helping you and that your are (rightly) annoyed with him.

Then suggest that you could use a little alone time together: maybe you, dh & the kids could take a day trip to a museum one day or maybe your little family could even spend one night at a hotel. If that won't work, see if he can drop you off for a visit with your Aunt and return to pick you up.

If none of that will work, try taking some peaceful walks around the neighborhood or close the door to the bedroom and read for a little.

This in bold above. It sounds like you are on the vacation now? If so, then after the vacation is over, then have a serious talk with him, at home, about how you feel. Don't have serious talks about it while on vacation. Just say the subtle things above in bold while on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For goodness sake, take your dh aside and quietly remind him that you need help with the cooking/cleaning/kids - you're his wife not his nanny/cook/maid. He probably is having a good time and isn't even aware that he hasn't been helping you and that your are (rightly) annoyed with him.

Then suggest that you could use a little alone time together: maybe you, dh & the kids could take a day trip to a museum one day or maybe your little family could even spend one night at a hotel. If that won't work, see if he can drop you off for a visit with your Aunt and return to pick you up.

If none of that will work, try taking some peaceful walks around the neighborhood or close the door to the bedroom and read for a little.

This in bold above. It sounds like you are on the vacation now? If so, then after the vacation is over, then have a serious talk with him, at home, about how you feel. Don't have serious talks about it while on vacation. Just say the subtle things above in bold while on vacation.

No need to go medieval on his azz, but I think that the OP should let him know (privately) that she is annoyed/hurt, feeling taken advantage of by him & his family and needs a little time away from them. If she pussy foots around too much, her dh might not "get it" and he might not even take it that seriously. I'm not suggesting that she have a knock down, drag out with her husband in front of the entire family - bad idea. But she needs to communicate this CLEARLY to her husband and she needs to nip it in the bud now. No need for her to bite her tongue and play the martyred doormat until they get home and she finally lets him have it.