Repeated extended stays by in laws

[Anonymous]

My brother in law is starting a new business venture and will be traveling for a week at a time between Atlanta, DC, and New York.

He plans to stop by our home in DC for 1 week per month. I told my DH I'm okay with that, but i wanted to get your opinion. Are there things i should look out for with this arrangement? Should we set up a guest policy or enforce quiet time around the kids nap time? What else should we hammer out?

My BIL is very pleasant and clean. Mid 30s professional.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure that you're really o.k. with this and not just saying"yes" to be nice. Having another person in your home one week out of the month, every month might not be a big deal if he's going to work every day and going to bed at a decent hour every night. Logistical things - like shower times (if you have only one or two bathrooms) and kitchen use (if he's cooking his own meals) or grocery expense (if you're all sharing food) might be some things to consider.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to hammer much out ahead of time. Just make sure that you raise all issues as they arise - open communication is very important. You don't want anything to fester until you just explode and kick him out!

[Anonymous]

We have no way of knowing what kind of person your brother is. I would allow this of my brother without giving it a second thought. But I also know that if he wasn't going to be home in time for dinner, he'd let us know that morning. I know he would clean up after himself, and consider himself a third parental figure to the kids and thus, change a diaper when he sees the need, take a kid or two with him when he goes to walk the dog, clean up toys after playing with them, etc. I know that at the end of his stay he would strip his bed, remake it, and put his sheets and towels in the wash and ask if he should start it. I know he would either make dinner or take us out to dinner once a week. I know he would be quiet once the kids went to bed, and would NEVER come home drunk or bring strange people into our house. I know if he broke something he'd apologize and fix or replace it.

If that's the kind of brother you have, then go for it.

[Anonymous]

Can we trade brothers PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we trade brothers PP?

No because I don't want a shitty brother. However, I am willing to rent mine out at a reasonable rate.

[Anonymous]

I refuse to have anal sex when my ILs are visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have no way of knowing what kind of person your brother is. I would allow this of my brother without giving it a second thought. But I also know that if he wasn't going to be home in time for dinner, he'd let us know that morning. I know he would clean up after himself, and consider himself a third parental figure to the kids and thus, change a diaper when he sees the need, take a kid or two with him when he goes to walk the dog, clean up toys after playing with them, etc. I know that at the end of his stay he would strip his bed, remake it, and put his sheets and towels in the wash and ask if he should start it. I know he would either make dinner or take us out to dinner once a week. I know he would be quiet once the kids went to bed, and would NEVER come home drunk or bring strange people into our house. I know if he broke something he'd apologize and fix or replace it.

If that's the kind of brother you have, then go for it.

+1.

over the years we've had multiple family or friends stay with us for 1-4wks including regular 1wk/mo visits from my parents. These are the best guests, and luckily we've only had one guest that I wouldn't want back for an extended visit. If you feel as if you must agree on "quiet time" before your BIL arrives, perhaps this is the kind of houseguest that wouldn't be welcome on a regular basis.

IMO, part of what PP is alluding to is that if someone is there that often they become more family than guest in terms of the level of engagement. I don't wait on my mother as if she were a houseguest that we only saw once or twice a year. Instead, she's a third adult in the household and contributes accordingly - if the trash is full, she grabs it and takes it out. If I cook dinner, my husband might clear and she'll do dishes. Those aren't things that I'd expect normal visitors to do.

Again, it's not the sort of thing I'd lay out ahead of time as an expectation, though.

[Anonymous]

I always make sure guests understand quiet time around my son's nap and bedtime.
The rest I don't care much about.
I try to make sure guests contribute to the grocery shopping both time and money wise, but this is a more of a go with the flow thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always make sure guests understand quiet time around my son's nap and bedtime.
The rest I don't care much about.
I try to make sure guests contribute to the grocery shopping both time and money wise, but this is a more of a go with the flow thing.

That's a good point. Guests, even family, may not know about nap time issues. My parents raised us when nap time was not a common thing, so I had to explain it to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have no way of knowing what kind of person your brother is. I would allow this of my brother without giving it a second thought. But I also know that if he wasn't going to be home in time for dinner, he'd let us know that morning. I know he would clean up after himself, and consider himself a third parental figure to the kids and thus, change a diaper when he sees the need, take a kid or two with him when he goes to walk the dog, clean up toys after playing with them, etc. I know that at the end of his stay he would strip his bed, remake it, and put his sheets and towels in the wash and ask if he should start it. I know he would either make dinner or take us out to dinner once a week. I know he would be quiet once the kids went to bed, and would NEVER come home drunk or bring strange people into our house. I know if he broke something he'd apologize and fix or replace it.

If that's the kind of brother you have, then go for it.

+1.

over the years we've had multiple family or friends stay with us for 1-4wks including regular 1wk/mo visits from my parents. These are the best guests, and luckily we've only had one guest that I wouldn't want back for an extended visit. If you feel as if you must agree on "quiet time" before your BIL arrives, perhaps this is the kind of houseguest that wouldn't be welcome on a regular basis.

IMO, part of what PP is alluding to is that if someone is there that often they become more family than guest in terms of the level of engagement. I don't wait on my mother as if she were a houseguest that we only saw once or twice a year. Instead, she's a third adult in the household and contributes accordingly - if the trash is full, she grabs it and takes it out. If I cook dinner, my husband might clear and she'll do dishes. Those aren't things that I'd expect normal visitors to do.

Again, it's not the sort of thing I'd lay out ahead of time as an expectation, though.

Agree, extended family houseguests (>1 week) or routine/repeat houseguests are more of a roommate/housemate than a "guest". They need to contribute and often do their own groceries, cooking, cleaning, private time.
When my brother had a 4week biz stint in DC he actually did more for us than we did for him! Plus he left all his lunch tupperwares he bought, spices, and a house gift (since he pocketed his family stay per diem)!

The other brother would have been like having another dependent around....