Do you ever feel like it's your fault?

[Anonymous]

My dd has several learning issues and ADHD. She was two months early and I keep thinking had I not worked a 60 hour week while pregnant with her and a toddler at home, had I not had the two glasses of wine during my pregnancy, had I not smoked pot in college, would things be different. Anyone else go through this?

[Anonymous]

sometimes, not much now, but felt that way when we received the dx (ASD). Blamed the biweekly manicure, traffic, you name it.
I try to think that it was meant to be, and that need to focus on DS strengths, once I think of that, I feel better. I should focus more on the little things, his smile for example, when he smiles, he just lights up the room.

[Anonymous]

My DH worried about pot smoking in college too, but honestly the situation is not your fault. It's rising across demographics, career fields, age groups and areas of the world. I personally suspect environmental pollution to be a factor, but with a worldwide phenomenon of rising SN populations, it's extremely unlikely that what you did in college -- much less two glasses of wine -- would have an impact.

Every parent of a child with special needs goes through this. The fact that you ask this question shows that you're aware and you care. Don't torture yourself. Don't second guess yourself. Forgive yourself for any minor indiscretions of the past. Most of all, ask your mom, DH or a friend to watch your DD and take a night off. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH worried about pot smoking in college too, but honestly the situation is not your fault. It's rising across demographics, career fields, age groups and areas of the world. I personally suspect environmental pollution to be a factor, but with a worldwide phenomenon of rising SN populations, it's extremely unlikely that what you did in college -- much less two glasses of wine -- would have an impact.

Every parent of a child with special needs goes through this. The fact that you ask this question shows that you're aware and you care. Don't torture yourself. Don't second guess yourself. Forgive yourself for any minor indiscretions of the past. Most of all, ask your mom, DH or a friend to watch your DD and take a night off. You deserve it.

You're cool. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

1. Genes.
2. Prenatal environment.

Those are the two most important factors.

Premature babies are at risk for developing all kinds of learning disabilities, ADHD, etc. So BIG factor right there. Forget the wine and pot, they are negligible. The work amount contributes if it led to undue stress and triggered premature labour, stress hormones floating around the baby, etc. Which of course it did!

My son with ADD and High-functioning autism was born at 32 weeks, partly due to a history of early labour in my family, and partly due to stress at work! There is ADHD in DH's side of the family, and auto-immune disorders on both sides (one theory is that there is an autoimmune brain attack in individuals with autism).

You are not alone. Hugs, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP,

I didn't do any of those things and still ended up with 2 kids with LDs.

Just be there now for your kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get like that too. I really was anal about trying to do everything right, but if I had it to do over I would have..

1.) Gotten vitamin D levels checked prior to getting preggers.

2.) Eaten organic for all fruits and vegetables on the dirty dozen list. (I didn't buy into organic at all-thought it was a no big deal)

3.) Avoided BPA plastics before during and after pregnancy

4.) Eaten only grass fed beef and free range chicken. I am not a big meat eater, but during my pregnancy I was obsessed with red meat (I even had dreams about it and woke up salivating) and some weeks I ate it every day, even for more than 1 meal.

5.) Made DH set stand up to his family and learn to deal with them. My cortisol levels were probably through the roof during parts of the pregnancy.

I know I did the best I could and I have met people who did everything I wished I had done and the child still has many issues. I also know someone who smoked put during 1st trimester (took a while before she knew she was preggers) and she ate crap and her kid was a milestone super star.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way too. I was on bed rest for two months and ended up with a preemie. I blame myself for a lot of his struggles. Have sought out therapy for it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who said that every special needs mom does this. I've literally analyzed every moment of my pregnancy. Then I found out my daughter has a gene mutation. Still doesn't stop me from feeling guilty that I somehow damaged my eggs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I didn't do any of those things and still ended up with 2 kids with LDs.

Just be there now for your kid.

Same here. I tend to think of things I should have done, rather than things that I did. I should have enrolled them in a more professional preschool where they would have caught both their issues MUCH MUCH sooner. I should have pushed harder when I took younger DC to Child Find when he was 3. I should have questioned his Kindergarten teacher.....

[Anonymous]

I sometimes feel like if I were more consistent and stricter that my son wouldn't have ADHD. And I know people in my family think that if I practiced writing with my son more, that he wouldn't have a learning disability. I know this is BS, but I still struggle with it sometimes.

I know I have done so many things right. When it is not driving me crazy, I try to look at ADHD as a gift for my son. He has so much energy and no embarassment!

My DH and I are much more aware of our own concentration and organizational challenges than we were pre Ds's diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd has several learning issues and ADHD. She was two months early and I keep thinking had I not worked a 60 hour week while pregnant with her and a toddler at home, had I not had the two glasses of wine during my pregnancy, had I not smoked pot in college, would things be different. Anyone else go through this?

***Hugs***

[Anonymous]

OP everyone smokes pot in college. There is no way that effected your child.

My child does not have ADD, but she has other health issues that have been consuming my life. I blamed myself for them, and ended up severely depressed and had to seek therapy, take antidepressants and eventually ended up in a psychiatric facility for severe depression -- all because of my kid's health issues.

All this did nothing to help my kid and tore me into pieces. Don't blame yourself. I finally have realized (after multiple psychiatric drugs and therapy) that it's not my fault.

So, dont go there. It's a dark place.

[Anonymous]

Things you did while pregnant may have in some small way impacted your kids but who you are now impacts them far more. If you have stress, depression, anxiety, guilt in your life now....find a way to deal with it personally or professionally. Those will have a much greater impact on your child's success than anything you did before. You can't change anything you did while pregnant or before today. You can't change who your child is or their progress to date but you still have a life time ahead of you to make decisions for yourself and your child that benefits both of you. Looking back just takes away from what you can bring to tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP everyone smokes pot in college.

My child does not have ADD, but she has other health issues that have been consuming my life. I blamed myself for them, and ended up severely depressed and had to seek therapy, take antidepressants and eventually ended up in a psychiatric facility for severe depression -- all because of my kid's health issues.

All this did nothing to help my kid and tore me into pieces. Don't blame yourself. I finally have realized (after multiple psychiatric drugs and therapy) that it's not my fault.

So, dont go there. It's a dark place.

I never tried.
I have 2 perfect little girls,born on time whitout any problems.