Managing gparent boundaries
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Anonymous
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My parents live locally and are really wonderful, loving, involved grandparents. For example, they take the kids every Saturday morning. Most if the time, I love the free time, but sometimes I'm sad that I'm missing good family time (if on occasion there is something special planned, kids don't go over there and no one's feelings are hurt). I work part time and have paid child care to cover my regular hours, but the gparents are great at filling in if I need to work outside my regular hours.
They're now talking about the idea of "grandparent camp," where the kids would spend entire weekdays with them. It works out to be about 3/4 of the days that the kids don't have camp/school and I don't have work. I don't want to give up that much time. Saying that will hurt their feelings, and I do appreciate all the things they do for us. Am I being a bitch (and, yes, I do realize this is a very good problem to have) |
Anonymous
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No, you're not being a bitch. You want to spend time with your kids. YOU'RE THEIR MOTHER. You get to decide where your kids spend their time. Period.
What's with all the "I feel guilty talking with my parents about spending time with my family" posts today? |
Anonymous
| Wow, Gm lives down the street and is a complete selfish byotch so consider that, OP. |
Anonymous
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No, weekends are for you, your husband and your kids!!! Especially since you work. Did grandma work while raising her young family? Perhaps they can't relate and/or perhaps they are too self-centered.
Grandparents can work out other ways to monopolize your kids time, visit, etc. |
Anonymous
| I don't understand how people can't say no to these things. Just say we can do some days but not all. If they feel hurt then that's weird. |
Anonymous
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Is there a week when you have to work and the kids don't have camp/school so this would actually be helpful to you? Then you could say, this is such a great idea, but those dates don't really work for us; if you could do this one particular week, that would help us out so much and the kids would have a lot of fun!
Even if your work week isn't as long as the week of "grandparent camp", you could probably find some things to do that would free up the time you do have with your kids - errands, doctor/dentist/hair cut for you, or treat yourself to some time alone, which we all know is rare. |
Anonymous
| You just need to be upfront with them. Say wow thank you wonderful, but explain that you'd really like to spend that time with the kids. That's all. You don't need to feel guilty...they see the kids quite frequently which is great. Just say no. |
Anonymous
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Set your boundaries, be honest, and tell them no! If your parents don't respect you as a person and as a parent for wanting to be with your family in your time off, this is going to be an ongoing (and bigger) problem.
Until you say no they will continue to guilt you into doing things that make you uncomfortable. |
Anonymous
Wow. Grandparents wanting to see their grand kids is "self-centered"? |
Anonymous
Not the pp, but if you read the OP, you'll see that the grandparents already see the kids weekly. |
Anonymous
SO - ok to use the grandparents as babysitters but you have a problem when they want to spend time with them? So use them when it is convenient for you otherwise the GPs are imposing? Why not involve the Grandparents in your weekend plans too...the more adult relatives spend time with your kids, the more they will bond and have stronger familial ties. Hey, wait...is this a "white person" problem? |
Anonymous
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Ok pick a day here and there that they can have the kids...
You cannot tell me that a randomn tuesday or wednesday here and there would not be great for you to have for yourself? A spa day lay in the bed and watch maury...anything... You need a day to yourself sometimes |
Anonymous
NP - too funny. I don't have kids, but see this in my familly. Gparents are supposed to be "pop up babysitters," but anything planned in advance for fun is pulling teeth - an intrusion on young familly's time together. It seems like a jealousy/control issue more than anything else. |
Anonymous
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On paper, I get that this may seem petty to some, but I know what OP is saying.
DH and I both work 5 days a week. We have about 1-2 hours between getting home and DS' bedtime in the evenings. While I have a lot to do on the weekends, it is also my only time to spend with DS, who is 2. MIL is sweet and helpful but really pushes her agenda. She wants to have DS to their house all day every Saturday, ideally dawn to dusk, to "help us out". While it definitely does give us a break, It is a lot of pressure to give up that precious time with him. She has this weird thing, too, where if you didn't know better you'd think he was HER baby, the way she talks. It's kinda icky. It also messes up his schedule, because she doesn't really pay attention to nap or meal/snack schedules. He comes home exhausted and overstimulated. I hate saying no because MIL is a nice and generally well meaning person, and I feel bad being firm (which she has interpreted at some points to be unreasonable). I am totally pro-grandparent access and pro-mommy getting a break, but depending on the people and the relationships, it can be kind of stressful. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I have no intention of cancelling the weekly time -- the gparents love it and my kids love it. My mom isnt very mobile, so it works better for her to play with the kids at home, not at the playground or our other adventures. We scaled down the summer weekdays to about half as many days, and I think everyone is satisfied. |