At my wit's end with my HFA son, help

[Anonymous]

My son who will turn 4 this year and has HFA has always had all kinds of issues. However lately he is just impossible to deal with, I'm so tired I feel like I can't look at him anymore sometimes. He has a baby sister whom he always tries to hurt. We talk to him about it all the time, give him lots of attention, do all kinds of activities with him, etc. on top of that his behavior is awful. He used to listen to us, follow directions more or less, and now every day is a struggle, he yells at us, kicks toys, breaks the rules on purpose, etc. when we talk to him and tell him we are disappointed he either cries and says he will behave better (but breaks his word a second later), or keeps hysterically laughing, which is annoying. Some of you might think we expect too much from a four years old child with autism, but even a year ago he was behaving muh better, and this is such a regress. Same at school, teachers keep complaining. This is frustrating and I'm just tired and want to give up sometimes. It just feels like everything is going to be the worst possible and our future is dark. Have any of you experienced anything similar? How have you dealt with this? Thanks

[Anonymous]

Talking to him isn't going to work. Its a form of negative attention and it just reenforces the behavior. PLus he's a little young, even without the HFA, to rationalize his behavior. What you need is behavior modification, a very structured form of rewards and punishments that are made clear to him in advance and then you stick to them. Someone might come along with a professional suggestion. You target one behavior at a time, say trying to hurt his sister. You sit him down and tell him that if he tries to hurt her he will not get any warnings and you won;t talk about it, he'll just get an immediate time out. But if he goes a week without trying to hurt her he will earn a privilege (or minor reward).

One thing that worked with our son with AS was we kept a notebook where he would get a certain number of points for doing a certain number of things right every day with a prize when he reached a certain level. He liked checking the notebook and following his progress.

The other thing you need to do is reevaluate the professionals in his life. Do you have a developmental pediatrician? Is he helping with this? When the teachers complain you need to have someone working with them to come up with a plan.

Finally, you sound depressed. Make sure you take care of yourself. It sounds like you could use a therapist for yourself.

Things can get better if you bring in whatever help you need to change things. What you are doing right now isn't working. OK, you know that, so you try something different.

[Anonymous]

OP,

NT 4 year olds are a handful too, so an HFA 4 year old is double the trouble. Have you tried ABA? Also, I would suggest positive reinforcement for good behavior:

http://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1374623851&sr=8-1&keywords=kazdin+method+for+parenting+the+defiant+child

[Anonymous]

Does your DS get ABA? My DS also has HFA and is almost 4. We are seeing huge strides now that we are 4 months into intensive ABA.
Other than that, just know you aren't the only one with these issues. Wish we could support you in person but until then, virtual hugs.

[Anonymous]

Are you in Fairfax County? If so, try to get your son into a preschool autism class (PAC) at one of the elementary schools that have it. The Child Find office should be able to help you. Our son went to a county preschool and it really helped him with behavior.

Also, I started taking an evening yoga class for myself. That really helped with my own stress level.

<<Hugs>>

Also, develop a reward system. Most HFA kids respond better to rewards than punishment. You need to find his "currency". What motivates him? What does he love most of all? TV time? Food? Toys? Stickers? Music?
It can be anything, but something that will really get his attention.

[Anonymous]

You need to consider medication if he is hurting his sister. It could be anxiety and/or impulse control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you in Fairfax County? If so, try to get your son into a preschool autism class (PAC) at one of the elementary schools that have it. The Child Find office should be able to help you. Our son went to a county preschool and it really helped him with behavior.

Also, I started taking an evening yoga class for myself. That really helped with my own stress level.

<<Hugs>>

Also, develop a reward system. Most HFA kids respond better to rewards than punishment. You need to find his "currency". What motivates him? What does he love most of all? TV time? Food? Toys? Stickers? Music?
It can be anything, but something that will really get his attention.

+1. A reward system aka bribery can work really well. I have a nearly 6 yr old with AS and he is very well behaved at home and school b/c rewards really motivate him.

We spent most of today at something similar to the DMV. Lots of waiting around and when it was finally my turn, I did not have all the necessary paperwork, had to go to another city agency, wait around, go back to the first agency, etc... Accompanied by my AS kid who behaved... Wonderfully, much better expected. Well worth Shu Toderoki and Nigel Gearsly figures from CARS.

His teachers use a similar reward system at school. Stickers for good behavior and DS gets a prize at the end of the week. Works likes a charm. Whatever works...

[Anonymous]

I don't have an answer, but I want to give OP a hug. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

How old is his baby sister? You said he wasn't acting like this a year ago -- but most children behave badly when a new baby comes along (and for the poster who says to medicate him if he is lashing out at his sibling, you certainly wouldn't recommend that on General Parenting, so don't go there here.)

Children have a hard time when a baby arrives. For an SN child, it's doubly so. This isn't regression. This is simply going to be a difficult time to ride out for the whole family. When you and your husband fight because you are stressed out from the new baby, you haven't "regressed." You are under stress.

Forget the "dark time" scenario. Make this a one day at a time sort of interlude for your family and have a we'll all get through this together attitude.

[Anonymous]

There are some good suggestions for the medium and longterm, but are you with him 24/7/365? Or nearly so? If so, you need a break to rejuvenate. Can your partner take him for a weekend somewhere or at least a few hours? Can you go somewhere for a girl's weekend? Do you have any local support that can take him for the day?

Parents of high needs children need breaks. You need to take care of yourself, so you can take care of both your children.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, thank you all so much, I feel much better and I think the reward chart should work, because we used it for potty training and it was awesome. Thank you guys! Regarding preschool suggestion, my son is in non-cat classroom, but in the summer he is going to camp for 3 hours a day (otherwise yes he is with me most of the time). I think this also has something to do with his behavior. We do have a developmental ped, but he said four year olds are pretty difficult overall and the new sibling of course add on to my son's stress and anxiety. I don't think medicating is something we would do anytime soon though, he is only four! And yes we do ABA, it has helped a lot with other issues so far. Thank you so much for all the support, your reply gave me hope and strength! And my apologies for the mistypes, I'm typing from phone

[Anonymous]

OP get the book The Kazdin Method ASAP. It will help. (Gives very clear instructions on how to make a point-chart and when and how to give punishment for infrequent types of misbehaviors without giving attention to them). It should help. Another good source for explaining the importance of not giving attention is The Nurtured Heart approach. I wouldn't follow it to the letter...Kazdin is better for that...but it really explains the process of feeding misbehavior through your own reactivity. I love their analogy to video-games. Video games teach the skill of the game very quickly because they ONLY reward success. Mistakes are minimally acknowledged in video games.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

Hi op! I know how you feel! We had the very same problem. A lot of what I had to do was preventative. I do time out. It is the only thing that works for him. We did a star chart and it was over his head. I put him in his room...which is free of anything dangerous in his special backwards pajamas and I took a moment.

[Anonymous]

Your son sounds just like mine. Fpr mine, I think part of the problem is that it's the summer and so he does not have the school routine with all the support he gets in school. I think that things will get better once school starts again. I am telling you this because maybe the same thing is going on with your son and maybe just going back to school and to his usual routine in a few weeks will make it better.