Am I crazy for this to upset me?

[Anonymous]

>
> DH tells me he can't give me money to pay off a recent vacation because he had to buy tickets for us to go on a four day lake vacation with his mom in Vermont and on another weekend fly to Boston to see his dad (they are divorced). I said " we probably dhouldn't be buying more vacations before we've paid off the last one."
>
> Side note: his dad just gave him $7500
>
> DH says, "he can't tell his parents that he can't afford to go up there after his parents give him money."
>
> Side note: his mom loaned him money for law school that he is now paying back monthly
>
> I said, "well then we can use your dad's money to pay off the credit cards."
>
> He said he already put it all toward his school loans. I said that we should discuss how to use that money instead of him paying off his loans and then telling me he can't help me pay off my credit card.
>
> He said it was a gift from his parents to him and so doesn't involve me
>
> I made the mistake of offering him money so then he said he just wouldn't take money from me and he seems to think that's the same thing as him not giving me promised help
>
> I am sorry to say I lost it in front of our 14 month old.

> So then he has ammo to say I have issues and am "uncivil."
>
> DH also brought up my parents buying me a ticket to visit in Ireland last summer and how that was the same thing. What? I really don't get it

Another recent event: his dad invited him and the baby (not me) to Boston for father's day.

I just blow up from feeling excluded, their general condescension and judgment, and DH not getting it. Maybe it will never change. I just needed to vent...that's probably the least I can do.

[Anonymous]

I hope you aren't a SAHM. I think you need to get on the same page about money ASAP. You probably need some counseling. No way I'd be taking those vacations when it wasn't paid for.

[Anonymous]

Why aren't you using the money you offered DH to pay off the vacation?

You both stink with money. Absent a complete life crisis, you only use credit for three things - a mortgage, a car (if you must) and an education. Vacations should be paid in full.

[Anonymous]

Ditto to what PP said. You need some counseling to work out how to discuss finances.

Money and sex--these are the two top issues that drive couples apart. Figure this out NOW. It will not magically go away. Work with a counselor to discuss each of your values, your expectations around how money should be spent and ground rules for making financial decisions. Yes, it will cost you money to go, but in the end, it will be WAY cheaper than divorce.

[Anonymous]

We have the money to pay off the vacations when the credit card comes due. I also work, but make a lot less than him. My problem was that he said he would help me pay off the first vacation so I was relying on that. And I took him at his word when we planned it. He also said that I have no say in what we do with a money gift from "his" parents. That's the real problem.

[Anonymous]

Is it your credit card or the family credit card? I'd get a family credit card in both of your names and use that for family things (vacations, zoo trips, disney on ice, etc).

The division of "mine" and "his" is a problem. You are married. Your financial success is dependent on both of you. His student loans financed the job that brings in the majority of your family HHI. Your credit card covered the family vacation. They both have contributed to your life and the relationship. Seek counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it your credit card or the family credit card? I'd get a family credit card in both of your names and use that for family things (vacations, zoo trips, disney on ice, etc).

The division of "mine" and "his" is a problem. You are married. Your financial success is dependent on both of you. His student loans financed the job that brings in the majority of your family HHI. Your credit card covered the family vacation. They both have contributed to your life and the relationship. Seek counseling.

+10000

With this in mind, it's no surprise that his father invited him and baby over for Father's Day without wife. WTF is that about?

[Anonymous]

You both need financial counseling and a firm budget that is open to BOTH of you and on which both of you agree -- no hiding money that's "mine."

You can get financial advice from your bank for free, if you can't afford a financial counselor. You and your husband both need to get past this "your money and my money" idiocy; it is not how any married couple should operate, either financially or emotionally. It is a version of score-keeping and indicates that you both are holding back in this marriage --and possibly not just financially.

Please work with a neutral third party to create a family budget and ensure that all accounts are open to both of you. And consider whether you need some couples counseling as well, to figure out why you and your husband are so into the "yours and mine, but not ours" mind-set regarding money.

Part of that counseling and budgeting needs to be a halt to paying off vacations after the fact. You have a young child, which means expenses and savings you should already be making. Put your kid first and tell your husband that the financial tit-for-tat stops now, and he has to buy in and not hide money or treat it as "his" or you both will be seeing a couples counselor right after you see a financial counselor.

[Anonymous]

Did his father give the money to just your DH or was it a gift to both of you? If it was a gift to just DH, then he gets to spend it however he chooses. Why do you think this is a joint asset?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married for 4 years and we still have separate bank accounts, but we also have a joint account where vacations, groceries, and stuff for the baby come from. It is possible to have separate funds and still mange the money appropriately, but it sounds like you guys do need some help figuring it out.

[Anonymous]

Wow. When you're married, I can't imagine an "it's my money" attitude. Where's the equal partnership in that?

It sounds like this goes way beyond money. The point about being uncivil also makes me worry your DH is gaslighting you. You have every right to be upset about huge financial decisions like that that your DH is making without your input and agreement. Does it feel like your DH is not your partner in other ways?

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, he doesn't feel like a partner in raising the baby. We have a 15 month old. He leaves everything to me, which is fine because I work less than he does, but, sometimes, on weekends, I need a little help. I usually have to ask. He disappears into his office when he feels like it. He only takes her when she's all clean and quiet. He says "he'll clean up" but I never see him actually do it. I can deal with all of this, but I can't deal with him constantly turning disagreements with him back on me. He always says that I think he always has really bad motives. He said I had depression after the baby. He said I was holding a grudge against his dad for not inviting me on a trip (and just said his dad was "sentimental"). His dad only invited my husband adn daughter. He often misremembers events or says he did things that I clearly know he did not.

When I married him, I thought he was kind and considerate and ambitious in all the best ways. Now, I have knots in my stomach because I'm so unsure...I'm a little scared. I need to figure out what I can do to fix things.

[Anonymous]

So, if he is barely financially helping you and barely helps with the child or cleaning, why are you with him? He isn't going to change so you need to. I would not be ok with my husband and child going on a trip in less it was my choice and I was invited. I would not agree to my child going if dad is not an active parent at home. How would he manage traveling?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is more a part of his old family than yours.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that the gift money should be shared. My mother gives me money (like $100 or $200) in a card every year for my birthday. I should share that with my husband? His parents do the same, I would never expect him to share it with me.