Would this upset you?

[Anonymous]

FIL is awesome and I generally like his wife (not DH's mother) very much.
FIL has a few grandkids between DH and his siblings. BILs live within what FIL feels is driving distance so will visit those grankids every so often. We live a plane ride away. FIL has only met DC once, when we flew out to him. I'm okay with that. Would love to see him more often but understand the time and expense involved in plane travel. FIL has always been upfront about their limitations. And clearly, we have the same limitations or would we travel to him more often.

The thing that bugs me is that its often FIL's wife that leads the "it too expensive argument" and yet I see her posting multiple times a year about hopping on a plane to see her children and grandkids. I always figured it was a closer trip, probably less expensive, etc and just got over whatever feels I had about it. Its not my time or money being used so in the end its none of my business. But yesterday she posts about plans to come to the east coast and rent a house in Florida for her kids and grandkids next year. That really made me feel bad. Aren't those homes expensive to rent? She wants one on the beach. If she feels they have the money to swing that why is she always saying its too expensive to come visit us?

In the end, I know I have to just get over it. I have no say in how others spend their money. I will not say anything to DH or his family about it. I'm not looking to stir up trouble. My feelings are just a bit hurt.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would be upset, too. But I think this is one of the classic causes of dischord in blended families. It has nothing to do with you or your DC, but I understand how you would feel the sting of it in a personal way. I wish I had some advice that could help. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would be upset, too. But I think this is one of the classic causes of dischord in blended families. It has nothing to do with you or your DC, but I understand how you would feel the sting of it in a personal way. I wish I had some advice that could help. Hugs.

well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would be upset, too. But I think this is one of the classic causes of dischord in blended families. It has nothing to do with you or your DC, but I understand how you would feel the sting of it in a personal way. I wish I had some advice that could help. Hugs.

well said.

Ditto.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

They are HER kids/grandkids. Ideally, there should be no preferential treatment but it is not an ideal world. Are you friendly with her children? Rather than being hurt, which will become resentment, see if you and DH can come up with a way of letting her know you would like to get to know her family. Most of DCUM posters rant and rave about ILs. Unless you have told her how you feel, she doesn't know, does she? Communication is key to good relationships.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar situation except it is with my mother and her DH. They married in their mid 50s/early 60s and are snowbirds half the year. I was already living out of state (I'm from the Midwest) when they started dating (but I'd known him for 20 years before that). He's a nice enough guy, has 6 six kids, the youngest is about my age. My mom is the kind of person that totally devotes herself to the man she's with. Actually, she does everything for others before she even thinks of her kids. Always has (I know I'm starting to stray so let me get back on topic). My mom's DH is a fairly wealthy guy and while my mom has resources, they are nowhere near his. My mom never asks him for anything so while he and his kids do all kinds of things together and plan all sorts of trips he pays for, we do nothing. Until we had kids, unless we made the trip to visit them (either in Florida or my home state), we never saw her. When I started having kids (her only biological grandkids), she would come twice a year, on the way to Florida and on the way back for a couple of days. Yet, my mom was vacationing with his kids and grandkids in the Bahamas, Disneyworld, Canada, cruises, etc. Again, it's not as if my mom couldn't afford to fly out. She was doing all this other stuff with her DH's family and she was paying her own way. I know this because she was very open about their finances, my father left her a sizeable retirement and she has extensive real estate/stock holdings. I got so pissed and hurt by it that I brought it up with her. I flat out asked her why she did so much with her DH's family and not ours. She went into what we call 'ostrich' mode. She basically sticks her head in the sand and pretends nothing is going on. "Is that what you think? I'm sorry you feel that way. Don't those peaches look delicious?"

My brother, sister and I bitched about it to each other but there was no point in bringing it up with her again. We know how she is. It has nothing to do with her DH (they've been married now for 20+ years). I have no idea what she's telling him. It's always about doing for others. I know people think my mother is this amazingly wonderful woman and they can't understand why she has such ungrateful children. Look at how wonderful she is to her step-kids and step-grandkids and everyone. I know my situation is a little different than yours OP because it's your StMIL that says it's "too expensive". My advice would be for your DH to mention it to his father. It IS hurtful. But, be prepared for your FIL to be obfuscated like my mother does. I gave up a long time ago trying to figure out why she's this way. It's hard to not feel unimportant.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line is... some parents/grandparents play favorites. Sad, but true. My MIL loves her first grandchild waaaayyyyy more than the others, and she makes it obvious. Yes, its hurtful, but do you want her to "fake" being into your family when she's really not?

Maybe you or DH could mention, at the most, what you've noticed, and then move on. don't expect anything but what you might get internally by getting it off your chest, because if their behavior is like this now, imagine what it could be like when they get criticized, deserving or not.

[Anonymous]

My dad spends most weekends visiting his wife's family and comes to see me once a year. He drives all over the country to see her extended family so I don't think it's strictly a distance thing. I've given up on the family I was given years ago and I try not to worry about it and invest my energies in healthy relationships with people who I don't have to force to spend time with me.

[Anonymous]

You know what they say...be careful what you wish for because you might get it! Goo dluck OP. I have very uninvolved parents too. I got used to it a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they didn't blend their finances and she's got a lot more money. Maybe her kids pay for it. Who knows? But you can't spend other people's money. I know it's hurtful, but let it go.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation, I wish FIL would travel without his wife but there's always some half-baked reason why that can't be done. And god forbid they leave their dogs for a few days...