What would you do? Sibling relationship

[Anonymous]

My brother is pretty difficult. I realize that as his sister I may see him differently than others, but my view is that he's difficult to get along with. He also fails to understand usual social norms and politeness. A few months ago, I raised an issue with him in as delicate a way as possible explaining very politely how his actions impact me. (Normally I and everyone else in his life do not raise these things with him and instead tiptoe around him). His response was first "you are too sensitive" and then "fuck off you bitch, don't ever contact me again."

Yeah, not normal behavior, I know. My dad who recently heard about this said, "sometimes people say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment". What?! Does anyone think this is normal behavior? And even if you do, wouldn't you apologize afterwards?

Anyway, I dropped the matter and any and all contact with him after this. Subsequently he told my parents and said that he expected it to all blow over. If that's the case, he needs to reach out to me, doesn't he?

This is coming to a head because I will shortly be traveling to see my parents and my brother lives nearby. I have been so upset about this and wonder if our kids will ever have a relationship while my brother continues to need to grow up. (BTW, he's in his mid-30s). Because my parents are now aware of this they said that "we" need to sort it out. I don't understand how I can do this when I've been told never to contact him again. Surely the ball is in his court. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

He is not going to change. He did not mean it. Deal with him like you would a 5 year old, as in, understand his limitations and try to have the best relationship with him that you can on those terms. Obviously it is not ok to call you a bitch, but on your end, try not to take it too hard. Again, think of it like dealing with one of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is not going to change. He did not mean it. Deal with him like you would a 5 year old, as in, understand his limitations and try to have the best relationship with him that you can on those terms. Obviously it is not ok to call you a bitch, but on your end, try not to take it too hard. Again, think of it like dealing with one of your kids.

So I should put him in a time out?! No, seriously, this is good advice on the whole. But in terms of practicalities, what does that mean? I reach out to him even though he told me not to? Or I pretend it never happened (which has been the problem in our family for a long time).

[Anonymous]

My brother sounds a little similar. But, I might be the one not wanting to talk to him much. He gets it into his head that someone wronged him (like my husband), and he makes a huge deal out of it. He does kinda step over normal convention sometimes. Like when he wouldn't drop something when I was pregnant. When the pregnant lady is upset and tells you to STFU about something, you STFU. You don't continue to badger her about it because her husband pissed you off.

Maybe your brother has a degree of borderline personality disorder? Look up the characteristics and see if that's a match. If that's the case, then the only thing you can do is keep the rope as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother sounds a little similar. But, I might be the one not wanting to talk to him much. He gets it into his head that someone wronged him (like my husband), and he makes a huge deal out of it. He does kinda step over normal convention sometimes. Like when he wouldn't drop something when I was pregnant. When the pregnant lady is upset and tells you to STFU about something, you STFU. You don't continue to badger her about it because her husband pissed you off.

Maybe your brother has a degree of borderline personality disorder? Look up the characteristics and see if that's a match. If that's the case, then the only thing you can do is keep the rope as long as possible.

Thanks for this. I had completely forgotten that when I discussed this with a friend months ago, that suggestion and I think it's possible. The friend also suggested a book (need to see if I can remember the name) about dealing with people with borderline personality disorder. I didn't really look into it at the time because I was trying to deal with it by, well ignoring it, and had completely forgotten the conversation. I think I'm ready to address it more now and will see if I can look out that book. Thanks for the reminder!

[Anonymous]

I dont know op, are you sure you were not being the difficult one pointing out his missteps? Not saying you were just that there are always 2 sides.

[Anonymous]

My uncle is just like this with my mom.
As far as he is concerned, it is over cause he decides it is and he does not need to apologize..' It is in the past'
But my mom is a jerk, as far as he is concerned, if she does not go along with this.
It is pretty dysfunctional on his part.
My sympathies to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont know op, are you sure you were not being the difficult one pointing out his missteps? Not saying you were just that there are always 2 sides.

Yes, I am sure. It's not worth going into it here but it was a very basic issue of normal behavior and all I did was raise with him gently what the impact was on my family. This was after he tried to start a public argument about it, so it's not like I raised it out of the blue.

[Anonymous]

I'd say that since the last thing he told you was not to contact him ever again, the ball's in his court. Tell your parents that you are going to respect his clearly expressed wish that you leave him alone, and if he has changed his mind, he should contact you and let you know.

I have a couple of in-laws that everyone tiptoes around because they are such pains if you "cross" them, and it pisses me off. I'm not playing that game. I will be civil, of course, and I bite my tongue a lot to not say snarky things, but I'm also not going to treat them like they are fragile crystal. They are the ones who need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

That is not an adult way to behave. Your parents are enabling him. You can be the bigger person by broaching the subject and asking for an apology.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your brother the only person you have problems with? If you find that you have a number of unhappy and/or unsatisfying relationships or relationships that end badly, than you may need to examine what you contribute to the issue. Not saying it's your fault, just saying your description did not show any insight into your part. Are you missing social cues too or is it just him? Is he just plain evil and if so, why the desire to continue a relationship?

The one thing that strikes me most about your post is you make yourself sound angelic and you make him sound like an irrational nut. If you want a relationship then he must have some great qualities you have not shared. Plus you are asking us to side with you by asking "does anyone think this is normal?" Sure what you describe sounds awful, but what his side? What would he tell us?

Regardless, when you see him be civil and polite. If he is as awful as you seem to think he is I don't understand why you would want your kids to be close to him.

[Anonymous]

What were you talking to him about? i get snippy with my sister too. I dont use profanities but just don't have a close relationship to her. We are in diff parts of our lives where I think about the future maybe too conservatively but since Im not all lovey dovey w. her she thinks i hate her. anyways we grew up in a house w/ lots of parental arguments and no apologies and not alot of voluntary i love yous. I remebeer only saying it when my i asked my parents for something and they asked for it and a kiss. im a however polite when we see each other but its when she tries to give advice on parenting/co parrenting oh brother. I do admit she is more thin skinned than me but i had terrible shit happen to me so i brush certain off and don't hold grudges

[Anonymous]

sorry still contact him in a month or 2 about something neutal if he lets things blow over like I do

[Anonymous]

OP - Don't reward bad behavior! When your jerk off brother wants something from you, he'll contact you. That's what assholes do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother sounds a little similar. But, I might be the one not wanting to talk to him much. He gets it into his head that someone wronged him (like my husband), and he makes a huge deal out of it. He does kinda step over normal convention sometimes. Like when he wouldn't drop something when I was pregnant. When the pregnant lady is upset and tells you to STFU about something, you STFU. You don't continue to badger her about it because her husband pissed you off.

Maybe your brother has a degree of borderline personality disorder? Look up the characteristics and see if that's a match. If that's the case, then the only thing you can do is keep the rope as long as possible.

I'm gonna have to disagree with you, PP. Being pregnant is not a license to be excused from dealing with all unpleasantness in life. You're not going to go into premature labor from your brother badgering you about your husband's behavior. I really don't get pregnant women who feel like everyone has to bow and cater to them -- you give the rest of us a bad name.