What would you do? Sibling relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your brother the only person you have problems with? If you find that you have a number of unhappy and/or unsatisfying relationships or relationships that end badly, than you may need to examine what you contribute to the issue. Not saying it's your fault, just saying your description did not show any insight into your part. Are you missing social cues too or is it just him? Is he just plain evil and if so, why the desire to continue a relationship?

The one thing that strikes me most about your post is you make yourself sound angelic and you make him sound like an irrational nut. If you want a relationship then he must have some great qualities you have not shared. Plus you are asking us to side with you by asking "does anyone think this is normal?" Sure what you describe sounds awful, but what his side? What would he tell us?

Regardless, when you see him be civil and polite. If he is as awful as you seem to think he is I don't understand why you would want your kids to be close to him.

No I don't have unhappy or unsatisfying relationships with anyone else. Or relationships that end badly. I am torn as to whether I really want to have a relationship with him and that is entirely because he is my brother and I guess I feel I should. Also he has a child and it feels bad to keep my children and his child from having a relationship with their cousins. I don't want to get into the full details of everything that has transpired with him because 1) it would take too long 2) it would be boring and probably raise more questions and 3) I don't want to air everything on the (anonymous) internet. But suffice to say that he actually used to be worse and has got some what better. As a teenager and young adult it seemed like he was most likely mentally ill. Now I'm not so sure and some how my parents think he's "normal". I'm not sure that he's mentally ill (he's never been diagnosed with anything, but he's never been assessed either) or just very difficult to deal with. He can be extremely charming at times but he also had problems like the ones he has with me in all parts of his life. E.g. he does not stay in jobs very long and his wife says that living with him is like living with another child (he is also extremely rude to his wife in public, which is really embarrassing and shocking to see).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know op, are you sure you were not being the difficult one pointing out his missteps? Not saying you were just that there are always 2 sides.

Yes, I am sure. It's not worth going into it here but it was a very basic issue of normal behavior and all I did was raise with him gently what the impact was on my family. This was after he tried to start a public argument about it, so it's not like I raised it out of the blue.

No offense, but your refusal to identify the specific point you raised with him makes me think that it's not just some "basic issue" that you "gently" raised with him. Not that it excuses his behavior, but I have a feelign you aren;t nearly as polite as you claim, and that the issue is not just some nondescript courtesy, but somethign much more serious. Call me a skeptic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know op, are you sure you were not being the difficult one pointing out his missteps? Not saying you were just that there are always 2 sides.

Yes, I am sure. It's not worth going into it here but it was a very basic issue of normal behavior and all I did was raise with him gently what the impact was on my family. This was after he tried to start a public argument about it, so it's not like I raised it out of the blue.

No offense, but your refusal to identify the specific point you raised with him makes me think that it's not just some "basic issue" that you "gently" raised with him. Not that it excuses his behavior, but I have a feelign you aren;t nearly as polite as you claim, and that the issue is not just some nondescript courtesy, but somethign much more serious. Call me a skeptic.

Okay, this is the specific issue, I'm talking about here, but there have been many. (The only reason I hadn't want to mention it was because I was being paranoid about putting it here in public, but it's anonymous I guess and I doubt anyone can recognize me)

He raised it. It was the fact that I had not sent a gift for his child for one event. He reamed me out on Facebook about this (in public on my wall). The basic issue which perhaps someone else in the world would agree with here, but I doubt it, related to the fact that even though he lives in another country with unreliable mail, he has never acknowledged receipt of (or heaven forbid, said thank you for) any gift that I have ever sent him or his child. But then when I don't send one he tries to pick a fight. I sent him a gentle email taking this off my Facebook wall apologizing for missing the latest gift giving event and explaining this. He thinks that it is crazy and old-fashioned that I or anyone else might expect a note, phone call text or email to acknowledge receipt of a gift sent overseas and that as his sister I should continue sending them regardless. Well, at least I know now that they have arrived! I had spent a long time drafting a very gentle message to him that was largely chatty about his family and other things but then responding to his attempt to start an argument by explaining how this impacted me rather than saying anything about him being inconsiderate. It immediately escalated to him telling me to F off, calling me a bitch and saying he never wanted to talk to me again. Even if I'd been off base (I can assure you I wasn't) it was a massive overreaction. On the other hand, he has always been extremely materialistic, so I guess I should have realized that he most likely equates sending gifts with wanting a relationship.

So yes, it was a basic issue of politeness and behaving within usual social norms.