Vent: Gifts with Strings
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Anonymous
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Ugh. This is mostly just a vent and totally a first-world problem, but am curious as to what others would think or do. My parents offered a rather generous gift that would entail some amount of work on the part of myself and my husband, but the offer had a non-negotiable deadline attached to it. (Background: We've been renovating our home ourselves over the past several years.) This came up about a month ago when we were thoroughly engrossed in another project that was finishing up, but we had zero bandwidth to deal with anything else at the time. We said we were interested, but we couldn't look into it quite yet. As soon as that other project wrapped up, we had to orchestrate a fairly large annual family event and couldn't really investigate the options surrounding their offer until this past weekend. They were well aware of both of these situations.
So on Sunday we spent several hours trying to figure out a way to make this work, but in doing so, realized that we didn't have as much time as we initially thought given delivery and installation timeframes. It was theoretically possible to still do the project before their deadline, but when taking into consideration our other priorities (financial and time) right now, it just doesn't make sense to take this on right now. It was hard to turn it down in terms of it was quite generous and something we would like to take advantage of it, but given their parameters (which is their right, I suppose) it wasn't going to work. We called and politely explained that we would have to turn down their offer. I knew they would be, and could tell that they were disappointed. Today I received the not unexpected guilt trip email saying "if you had started looking into it when we offered..." (and on and on and on). I'm not sure if or how to respond to it. Concurrently, this past weekend while we were looking into this other offer, they mentioned they wanted to get me a birthday present (much smaller in scale, but probably $2-300) and would I prefer X or Y. To be honest I don't really want/need either, but I haven't responded to that offer yet. In an ideal situation I could say, "hey, tone down the gifts" but that wouldn't go over well. On this one, I could just say I'd love X and let them spend the money, but I'm growing uncomfortable with the increasingly generous gifts that come with expectations attached - (i.e., you need new clothes, here's a gift certificate to this one particular store that has nothing that you would wear in it, and then "how do you like/have you worn your new clothes?" or "you need new shelves in your kitchen, let me buy them for you" and then I have to take down the old ones, make appropriate repairs and install the new ones when I have other priorities...) My family is disfunctional in a lot of ways, and I don't want to stir the pot if I don't have to, but at the same time my husband has a point in that many of their gifts come with added stress. Any thoughts on if I should just let this blow over or address the longer-term issue now? |
Anonymous
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I hear you OP and have the same issues with my parents. Gifts with strings are not gifts, just more work. I now just say no thank you to begin with, it's hard and they don't understand and are upset that their generosity is not appreciated. I look at it as way easier for me to deal with then having somethig in my home I didn't want in the first place. You have to be gracious, kind and firm.
Addressing the issue on a big conversation is probably not goin to work and will just make them angry. Address each instance separately but in the same way "thank you forthinkingnof us (me) but we don't have time to plan (organize) this right now. Why don't you get yourself something you always wanted instead." My mom buys me clothes all the time because she likes to I try them on with her and now instead of taking in all I do actually say that in dont like something even if she protests "but you don't have anything this nice". Interestingly the buying has tapered off on her end as she got tired of retiring I things. |
Anonymous
| Make sure you don't make complaining about your renovation a topic of conversation. As with any "problem", if it is mentioned, other people will try to "fix-it" |
Anonymous
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My friend's parents gave her family a mid priced microwave as a Christmas gift. My friends asked her parents if she could return it and use the refund towards a higher priced microwave. Her parents said yes.
15 years later, the microwave has long since died, but every Christmas, her mother can't resist telling the story of how a mid priced microwave wasn't "good enough" for my friend. She'll probably tell this story for the rest of her life. Totally not worth it. |
Anonymous
| Just handle each "gift" on a case-by-case basis. If the attached strings for any gift are not acceptable, acknowledge their generosity but politely turn it down. The fact that they get pissy about it is not your problem. Repeat--it is not your problem. |
Anonymous
| My MIL was a master of this! each gift no matter how small or large was an occasion for her to mind our business and demand that we spend ever more time with her. It finally got to the point where we were turning down very pricey gifts just to have a few moments alone with our kids. She could just never understand that careers, kids, and fixer upper homes do not leave but so much extra time. |
Anonymous
| Op I can tell by the way you are so non specific that you feel she would follow you anywhere. Recognize that style! |
Anonymous
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These are not really gifts with strings, OP. A gift with strings is a "gift" that another party holds over you, and uses to their advantage in subsequent interactions. These are gifts that require some work on your part - installation, shopping, etc. And questions about how you like the gift later on is not a "string."
You are bitching that your family is very generous, but that sometimes you don't like the gift (the gift card), some of the gifts are "some assembly required" (the cabinets) or that the timing of the gift is inconvenient. I find that to be a little ridiculous, and you to be a bit of an ingrate. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| quick question - can you politely "negotiate" these "strings"? Why was there such a short time frame ? Could you say something like, "Thank you so much, I would love your help with X Y Z... this would be a perfect project for October!" Or something like that? |
Anonymous
| When you don't need/want something from someone, they can't control you. These "gifts" are all about control. |
Anonymous
| I'm still confused by OP. I guess I'm the only one though. |
Anonymous
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If you feel that the gifts have strings attached then you are within your rights to turn it down.
You cannot take gifts and not be thankful and appreciative. |
Anonymous
| We turn down all pseudo gifts. I call them "pseudo" b/c as others have said, it's not a gift if it comes with strings. These pseudo gifts cause so much stress and aggravation. |
Anonymous
Not the OP, but you clearly have no clue what she's talking about. I hope you never do. Have a nice day. |