Vent: Gifts with Strings

[Anonymous]

OP: You have just described my in-laws! Very bright people and expert manipulators. That is why it is so hard to explain! part of the plan.

[Anonymous]

OP, my MIL is like that with physical gifts. We just donate the stuff she insists on giving us (I have given away a $200 gift card to a clothing store to a friend who really appreciated it, for example) and decline the other stuff that would be too much work. My parents are like that with monetary gifts, offering to pay some-but-not-all of the cost of a trip so that you look like a shithead when you say that you still can't/won't come.

[Anonymous]

This is the worst. It really is all about control.

My in laws offered to let us live rent-free in their 2nd house, then no matter what we did, the maintenance and cleaning were never enough for them. I hired (and fired) two cleaning services at my MIL's behest. It was never good enough unless I was the one down on my hands and knees scrubbing, and I have a FT, out of the home job/am the breadwinner. My DH and I have a toddler. FIL would follow DH around demanding to know why he was taking a slightly different approach to a home repair project than FIL would have (like using a different hose).

Eventually we just couldn't take it anymore. Moved back into our own place and now I have no relationship with my in laws.

[Anonymous]

"No, thank you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still confused by OP. I guess I'm the only one though.

+1. Agreed. I don’t get there need to be so cryptic about the IL’s offer. Just explaining what went down would have been so much more clear.

[Anonymous]

What’s it even like to have parents and in laws who
give gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you don't need/want something from someone, they can't control you. These "gifts" are all about control.

+1M

I just stopped speaking to my narcissistic mother and enabling stepfather after my mother offered my husband and I a house downpayment, only to hee and haw over it for the remaining year, trying to get me to dance like a circus animal while she watched in amusement. Nope! No thanks! Let them keep their money, you keep your dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s it even like to have parents and in laws who
give gifts?

Or ones that aren't DEAD? Right? Isn't that how this thread progresses?

[Anonymous]

I’d need better details to give better advice.

You snoozed on the timeline; you were busy. Either organize ur time better to take advantage of the gifts or say no earlier. Let dh respond to the email. If they ask why just let them know you have a different dynamic w ur family where things are more open ended.