DC, age 9, only responds "no".
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Anonymous
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DC is missing out on life. Every time I want to sign up for camp, activity, class, whatever - it has to be that DC's friends (at least 3) are signing up also. However, when I do finally get that arranged (which I fully realize I should not be doing, but am desperate), DC will try to back out. It is as if DC just wants to stay home all day - which of course, is out of the question.
Can anyone offer tips to get DC to take and stick with camps, classes, lessons, etc. One thing I have noticed is that if I have to pick up DC from school, it provides an opportunity for DC to get out of DCs commitment when we do (rarely) commit to something. The only thing I can think of is after school activities at school, which I suppose would be a start. I know I should lay down the law, and stick to my guns (sorry for the cliches), but every week its the same old thing. All we want are playdates, but of course, DCs friends all have commitments of their own, so playdates are getting fewer. So, we are bored and unstimulated. When DC was younger, it was easier to think of activities, but now every sport or anything I recommend is shot down. I am completely discouraged. Short of carrying DC to the activity (now DC is too big for that) what should I be doing? Sorry if this is obvious to most of you. I want to DC to be excited about something other than playdates. Frankly, they are getting on my nerves. Please help. |
Anonymous
Why is it out of the question? And what would be the minimum number of camps/activities/classes/lessons/getting-out-of-the-house-s that you would be satisfied with? |
Anonymous
| I don't understand. Does your child refuse to get out of the car if you pick him up at school and drive to the activity? Why does you picking him up at school provide an opportunity for your child to get out of their commitment? It's YOU who is providing that opportunity to get out of the commitment. Just drive there. What's the problem? |
Anonymous
| Can you offer a choice: "DC I'm signing you up for a sport once a week do you want soccer or baseball??" |
Anonymous
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Have you respectfully discussed why the answer is no?
My child wants to do anything and everything. She's an extrovert, she thrives on being out and around people. All I wanted after school was to go home and be in my quiet peaceful predictable silent room. Sometimes, when my child asks to do Yet Another Thing my gut reaction is "no!" because I do not want to. Instead, we sit down with the calendar and any other relevant info (budget, whatever) and talk about it. What is your goal in having your child do things? Does your child know and understand that goal? How can you and your child work together to achieve that goal? (e.g. is it "I'm uncomfortable with you staying home alone, and I have to be at work. I'd like to sign you up for camp, what do you think?" or is it "I think it's important we be active and involved in things, when I was a kid I just loved baseball! I though it'd be fun to sign you up for baseball. What do you think?" or something else?) |
Anonymous
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I am an introvert and my DS age 8 is also an introvert. We both have a tendency to want to back out at the last minute from something new (day 1 of camp, going to a party where I won't know many people). It's kind of a comfort zone thing.
It was worse when he was younger, so I made a consistent effort to discuss feelings on the way to an event: "Well, sometimes when I first get somewhere, I feel uncomfortable and shy and want to leave, but I make myself stay, at least for a little while. Usually, I'm happy I went and stayed, but it's ok even if I didn't." Then we talk about how it's ok if he goes and doesn't have fun, but he has to give it a shot. It works great for sports and parties, but we haven't been able to get him to attend the robotics class because he missed the first one and didn't want to feel like the odd man out. So, maybe tell him he has to live up to a commitment, but that if it's truly dreadful he can have an out after, say, an hour. |
Anonymous
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OP, your child is a homebody.
He mostly just wants to stick with what is known, and comfortable. So, outdoor adventure camp may never be for him, nor a different camp every week for several weeks. But he might be coaxed into first, attending a good camp that has a homey feel (probably indoor, maybe art or music?) and is basically the same structure for several weeks, and that he can return to every summer. He might enjoy just one after school class; not a bunch of different sports but one activity that goes year round. You can tell him that he has to do TWO things every year -- something physical and something service or religion oriented. He can choose or you will choose for him but he has to do those two things. Then help him find some things that do not have a lot of changes, are highly predictable. |
Anonymous
Anonymous
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I'm not the OP but these responses have been great. I have a DD who likes her alone time. She is fine to be at home and just read. She doesn't ask for many playdates and if she's with a group of girls she likes and knows, she tends to back away. I think it's too much for her. Not sure what that is, but she shies away from too much girl activity.
Anyway, I like the advice coming so far. |
Anonymous
| With my kids, I make them choose an activity and force them to stick with it for a year. If at the end of the year they don't like we don't renew but personally I think it is bad parenting to let the child decide on a weekly basis if they want to go. |
Anonymous
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Is it anxiety? Shy? Introvert? Fear of failure? Perfectionism? Low self-confidence? Fewer skills?
You need to get an understanding of who your child is and why she says no |
Anonymous
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Op here. Yes 9:25 - I totally agree. I need some tools and am grateful for the posts, more than you know. Keep them coming.
9:30 - that is what I am trying to find out. Do you think it is time for professional intervention of some sort? Professional recommendations (whom do I see)? TIA. |
Anonymous
OP, please. "Professional intervention" is not the solution to every parenting quandry. You have been given some good advice here. Your child is nine; that is old enough to begin to understand the basics of DCs ingrained personality, the parts that are not going to change. Maybe DC is a homebody; that is fine, but s/he will need to be urged to do a few things but not overstimulated. Perhaps s/he is just lazy; if that is the case, it needs to be addressed as such. Maybe s/he has not yet found a passion in life. That is understandable, too, and up to parents to help with that. It sounds like you just need better communication with your kid. Please don't run to a shrink for that. Read some books, talk to other parents if you need to, but most of all, just spend time understanding what is going on here. Don't sell yourself so short. You are the mother; you can figure this out. |
Anonymous
| You mentioned "we" are few times in your post OP? If your child unhappy? What is wrong with "just" playdates? Why does she need to be in an organized activity? For some kids, school is enough of an organized activity. The post sounds like maybe you are unhappy or unsatisfied rather than your child. |
Anonymous
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OP here, okay, thanks. The problem with playdates is that all of DCs friends are at organized classes (yes, every day). This makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.
When her friends are not available (yes, every day), she is miserable. I am just trying to do right by her, but I am not sure how. She is good at so many things, I would love for her to enhance one or two of her talents. No, it would not be every day. But I think you know that. Thank you for the positive suggestions, that is what I need right now. |