Did you tell your family you were TTC?

[Anonymous]

Been TTC for almost 2 years and haven't discussed with family members. Finally started seeing an RE and it appears there are issues on both sides, so while we are fairly "young" (30), it still may take some time to go through the various treatments. In the meantime, the family (esp my MIL) continues to ask if all the Dr appts I'm going to are "because you're taking a pregnancy test??" or "for your first ultrasound??", etc. Part of me wants to share this with her, but I also don't want her to worry or keep continually asking about "how it's going". Ideally I'd want to just wait to get pregnant and tell her, but at the same time it's hard for me to deal with all of the comments she keeps making and who knows how long I will have to endure.

Advice??

[Anonymous]

We shared with my parents and tried to discuss with my in-laws, but they weren't super comfortable talking about it. I think that it's generally a good idea to share with family so that they can be sensitive to your struggle and not put undue pressure on you. Actually, I was really surprised and impressed with my parents regarding how supportive they have been - because they aren't usually helpful in that way. The only down side is you have to be comfortable dealing with the "How's it going" question when the news isn't great. I rationalized that discussion by saying they only ask because they care - but it can be hard.

[Anonymous]

Do you think she would honor your request to not ask any more questions about it if she knew what was going on? If I was going through the same thing, I would tell my MIL and then, in the same conversation, say that you'd rather she not ask how everything is going and that you will update her as things progress (or not, if you don't want to). My MIL would be sad that she's been asking questions that possibly hurt me unintentionally.

[Anonymous]

Yes and now that we have secondary infertility issues, I wish I hadn't.

[Anonymous]

12:58 - It depends on your relationship with your MIL. I think any reasonable person would honor the request but a lot of times - common sense goes out the window... Perhaps you have your SO deliver the message by saying "OP is really bummed about all this infertility stuff, we're going through treatments and want to share successes with you but the setbacks are really painful -- so could you hold off asking questions until we approach you?"

[Anonymous]

Nope - I knew my mom would not have productive opinions...but opinions she felt she wanted to share. So, i kept mum for most of the time. In the end, my sister and brother knew what was up, but both are fabulously discreet....

[Anonymous]

No-- it actually caused minor friction when we skipped a family event for a treatment cycle, but things were difficult enough that I just did not feel comfortable sharing it with extended family. YMMV. In your shoes I'd ask DH to ask MIL to back off, either with or without mentioning that you are trying.

[Anonymous]

We're on our first IUI and I want to tell our parents if we get to IVF. DH doesn't want to tell anyone, ever.

[Anonymous]

Agree that it depends on your relationship and agree that you should emphasize the "just between us" aspect if you tell. I told my mother, who I thought would be very supportive, but she then told all of her friends without asking and didn't really offer a lot of support. Then, we were peppered with a number of really insensitive questions from her friends about frozen embryos, "killing little babies," etc. That said, I told my father, who I feared would be awful about it, and he was a prince.

[Anonymous]

I told my parents from the beginning but didn't always keep them updated (e.g., when we decided to try IVF which I knew they saw as a pretty intense step despite being MDs themselves). I told my DH to share as much or as little with his parents as he wanted. He told them we were struggling and getting help. I'm not sure if he told them when we shifted to IVF but I think they know we moved on to more advanced stuff. We are lucky to have supportive but not too nosy parents. Mine come with more strong willed opinions and direct questions but they also have some medical knowledge and even when they say ass like things (e.g., talk about my eggs being harvested) I'm still glad they know.

[Anonymous]

If my MIL had asked me if I was going to the doctor for a first ultrasound and I had not mentioned being pregnant or TTC, you'd better believe DH and I'd be having a talk.

If she asked me this more than once, she and I'd be having a scream-talk.

[Anonymous]

NO! Do not tell anyone until you are four months along. It will make everything so much easier.

[Anonymous]

We didn't announce when we were trying because I didn't want to added pressure of other people knowing. But when we started fertility treatments, we did let our close families know, and I'm really glad we did. Now they know to be careful with their comments. I do think acting hurt when people ask about it, while not letting them know it's been a struggle, is setting your family up for failure. Obviously, it depends on the family. But I'm glad we've shared a bit with our families.

[Anonymous]

We shared because we were young and thought I'd be pregnant quickly. Wrong! 2 years later, still no baby.

[Anonymous]

Told both parents and in-laws (and siblings). But both of us have older sisters who struggled with infertility (SIL conceived #1 with IVF)...so it was much more old hat to our families. We also do not live in the same state as either set, so there is some natural distance when we need/want it. My parents were unfamiliar with IVF (my sister had RPL, no issues getting pregnant) so occasionally asked questions I didn't want to discuss, but they never pushed..which is actually unusual for them.

Telling turned out to be a good thing, because a couple of times I needed my mom to come to town for something IVF-related b/c of DH's work. And my in-laws are generally great and respectful of our privacy...so no issues there.