Hell will freeze over before my kid sleeps at your house

[Anonymous]

My husband's brother and his wife have a child almost the same age as my child (early elementary). They live about an hour away from us, so we don't see them very often. Mostly at family functions. My brother-in-law has a history of heroin use and his life is basically a string of bad decisions. He's really into guns and weapons and not very concerned with locking them up.

My sister-in-law (his wife) is constantly asking me if my child can spend the night at their house. It's easy enough to make excuses when she suggests a specific date, ("Oh we have plans that day.") But lately it's been a broad ask, like "sometime this summer". She clearly hasn't gotten the hint that we're trying to avoid this situation. And she asks right in front of my kid. Actually, she directs it to my child, "Wouldn't it be so fun for you to spend the night and we could go to Chuck E. Cheese and eat candy and watch movies?" My kid would love to spend time with the cousin and thinks I'm being unreasonable because I have, obviously, not gone into detail about why my child can't sleepover. So I look like the bad guy.

How should I deal with this? There is no way in hell that my child will be sleeping over at their house. But it seems like I'm past the point of making excuses. Is it time for me to tell her the truth? My husband has very little patience for his brother. So he's not likely to deal with the situation in a diplomatic way. Do I just tell her that I don't think it's safe? I'm not looking to stir up trouble! Help!

[Anonymous]

Doesn't matter how old your kid is, just say "sorry, no overnights". You don't need to explain. If they ask "why" answer with "Because I said no". If your BIL and his wife want to act like kids, then treat them like kids.

[Anonymous]

Can the cousin do a sleepover at your house? If you want to say something to her, I would reference the guns and the guns alone. I don't think it is totally off the wall to say, we really don't like to let our kid be in a house with guns.

If you say something like, I don't trust your husband because of his past drug use, bad decision making, and the amount of guns and weapons in your house...you'll likely stir up trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the cousin do a sleepover at your house? If you want to say something to her, I would reference the guns and the guns alone. I don't think it is totally off the wall to say, we really don't like to let our kid be in a house with guns.

If you say something like, I don't trust your husband because of his past drug use, bad decision making, and the amount of guns and weapons in your house...you'll likely stir up trouble.

I agree. Just offer to host their kid instead. There's no wonderfully diplomatic way to handle this other than to keep politely refusing and making up excuses. Your kid will probably not ask unless you make a big deal of it.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the wife that while she really seems lovely, you just can't, in good conscience, let your child sleep over at a house where hardcore drug use is taking place and there are unsecured guns. But her child is welcome to come to your house for an overnight.

[Anonymous]

OP again. My child has actually spend the night at their house before. Once. Before I knew the extent of the issues.

I'm afraid having the cousin sleep over will make reciprocation necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. My child has actually spend the night at their house before. Once. Before I knew the extent of the issues.

I'm afraid having the cousin sleep over will make reciprocation necessary.

No it won't. You just keep making up white lies until they get the point. If you can't do that, I'm afraid you'll just have to come out with the truth if they can't take a hint.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and the drug use isn't necessarily "past" either. I've seen recent evidence that it's still happening. I'm kind of appalled that they would even both to ask, but it seems like they're trying to keep up appearances.

[Anonymous]

With the sister in law - I would be honest about the guns. "Listen, I don't feel comfortable with Larlita sleeping at a house where there are guns."

With your kid, I would just say, "No overnights at their house."

[Anonymous]

You can be honest and diplomatic.
Tell her you are nervous about weapons....
And it is a safety issue...
Unless you have DIRECT -- UNDENIABLE evidence of continued drug use...don't bring that up unless...they keep badgering...
they will get offended..that's what addicts and their co-dependents do...but ur kids's safety is ur priority

[Anonymous]

If you make it about the guns, then you're going to invite the badgering about how their guns are on a high shelf, the bullets are separate, etc etc. They will argue every specific thing you say.

My uncle was cleaning his gun in his brother's house (3 kids living there) and it went off in the living room. No one will speak of it in our family. These are educated people, law degrees, prep school, etc. It was just an accident and thankfully, no one was hurt.

[Anonymous]

Please stop with the white lies. You tried to politely divert and it clearly is not working. She's escalating the issue by now discussing this in front of the children. So you need to cut to the chase and decline in no uncertain terms. If she asks in front of the children, just politely decline saying "I'm sorry, but Janey won't be able to sleep over at your house." Period. If she persists, you can say "We'll talk about this some other time." Then when it is just the parents, you can tell her that there are issues at her house that you do not want your child exposed to and so will not allow Janey to sleep over at their house. If she asks, you can tell her that you do not wish your child to be exposed to guns or drug use. If you aren't certain that there has been any recent relapse into drug use, then just say that you don't want your child exposed to guns and that the guns in their house are not secured to your satisfaction for your child to stay there. Say that their child is more than welcome at your house and that those are your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I never understand why people get so touchy over relatives. Tell them you will not have your kids sleep in a house with guns, and also you're worried about BIL's potential drug use, and there is absolutely nothing they can do to change your mind.

[Anonymous]

Tell them that you are not comfortable with him sleeping in the house because of the guns. If they want to have guns in the house, they must be prepared to suffer social consequences as a result.

[Anonymous]

I told a family member with guns that I wasn't comfortable sending my kid for a sleepover because of that, and she started spamming me with articles about how many more children die in backyard pools and automobile accidents. When I didn't respond to the emails, she started asking me in person "Did you get my email? Well, what do you have to say??"

I couldn't very well say "Your husband has a pronounced pervert vibe. Well, what do you have to say??"

But I wanted to.

Stand your ground, OP. I would go as far as saying kindly and privately to your SIL "The sleepover isn't going to happen. Please don't bring it up again in front of Junior."