Please help me sort this out: weird parents

[Anonymous]

I don't know what I am looking for, I guess I just need to let it out...
My parents are weird, have always been- as in "have strange living habits and make kids live the same weird lives". At the same time they truly cared about our health and education, so i do feel grateful.
I was mad at them for a long time, then I got over it and even tried to revive our relationship after my kid was born. They try to help but they are too weird to be of any real help.
Anyway, I am now at the point where I feel I don't like them and don't want to talk to them. I send them a little money each month. What drives me crazy is that there seems to e no way of doing good things for them and feel happy about it. What they do is they gladly accept my offer to pay for something and then don't use it!
For example, I helped them install Internet and paid a three months fee, so that they could see their grandson on Skype, etc. after three months, they just cancelled it, despite the fact that it costs maybe 1/15th of what I send them monthly. I also bought them a washer, but they placed it in such a weird way that it takes a lot of effort to use it, so I suspect they barely use it.
The thing that pissed me off recently- I went to visit them and went to get my skin tags removed, and offered to pay for my mom, too. She gladly accepted but now will not go in for a second visit!!! So one side of her neck is in skin tags and one is not.
Also, when I was at their town with my family, we rented a place and they would come visit every day. I thought they would play with their grandson, but if not prompted, my dad would just sit in the corner reading a paper, and my mom would help herself to whatever was in the fridge and talk some b-shit to me, stupid advice, etc.

I don't know, I just feel stupid and helpless. It's like they don't really care about me, but on the other hand they insist that they miss me and grandson, urge me to call more often (which I hate doing because its the same stupid shit on the phone).
I mean, can I just send them the monthly allowance and pics of their grandson and call, say, only once in three months? I would hate to be cruel to them but I also can't help but feel that they don't really care about me since they never call (only expect me to call), cancelled the cable service, and didn't play much with their grandson? They did give him small gifts and cooed over him and would take him for a walk if I asked, but they would always be late if I told them he usually plays outside say from 5 to 6, so they would come straight to dinner...

[Anonymous]

If they've always been weird, having a grandson will not change them! I would guess they have pretty severe social issues.

Get it into your head that they will not change and that you must accept it and move on. Feel free to tell them exactly what you think of them and more if it makes you feel any better.

Decrease contact as you said. If they ask why, tell them why. Plain talk and the unvarnished truth is highy under-rated these days

[Anonymous]

Why would you send them a "monthly allowance" at all? Are they mentally delayed in some way? Stop trying to make your parents live the way YOU think they should, and let them live the way they want. Actions speak louder than words.

[Anonymous]

I think OPs parents are foreign.

Accept your parents for who they are and stop trying to change them. I know you had the best of intentions, but YOU introduced a lot of the things that have led to your own disappointment, so stop with that.

Also, they love your child. But they are older and aren't going to want to play with him for long stretches of time. When you visit, keep your expectations low.

As far as the phone keep the calls short and share your recent highlights and then make an excuse to get off, like someone's at the door, you have to go somewhere, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, try not to over think it and decide if you want your children to know them or not. I imagine they are very manipulative and set in their ways. My MIL was *always* like this, but now has age to "blame".

Try to set boundaries. Try not to depend on them. Try to make it simple.

[Anonymous]

Are they foreign OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here- yes, they are foreign.
My mom is a hoarder, and she owns an apartment (besides the house they live in) and could rent it out, but they are too socially incapable to do so and she has hoarded it, too. There is no water there since they don't want to pay for it and it is deteriorating.
At one point I was very angry at them and cut off all contact, they seemed to not notice - never called me or anything. Just pretended it did not happen.
Then I felt really bad about it because I had this impression that they love me but are too weird to show it in any socially acceptable ways. So I started helping them financially a little, and tried to be more in contact. They did help me out best they could when my baby was born, I must admit.
Right now I think all my mom wants is to receive money from
me and talk her stupid talks with me. All my dad wants is to also discuss his weird ideas with me and to be able to stay away from my mom when he is at my place "helping" me.

[Anonymous]

OP again- I also agree they are manipulative, I get this very vivid feeling.
I am starting to suspect they lost their love for me at some point, but want me to love them, they need me, but they can't or won't offer anything in return.

[Anonymous]

also, thanks for letting me vent, and I thought I would be disapproved of- what a relief not to be
I would actually like to stop calling them for a while and not to visit them ever- maybe when my son is older he could spend the summer with his other relatives and they could visit. I would like them to spend time with my son if he likes it, but not with me. Honestly, I have zero pleasure in talking to them.
I will also definitely stop all my "in kind donations", I was just confused that they seemed so happy,but I guess they just can't say no- too greedy.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel guilty. Send them cards with pictures with updates at holidays and birthdays. Send them gifts if you want to, but stop trying to buy their affection. It won't work and they can't be what you want them to be. I'm really sorry. You're just going to continue to frustrate yourself.

[Anonymous]

I was not trying to buy their affection; I thought I was guilty and tried to be a better daughter...and maybe they were just weird, you know? nothing more. but I guess they just lost their love for me somewhere along the way. They did not care much about how I lived after I turned 18.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't change people. Maybe your mother didn't like the procedure for the skin tags. Maybe she doesn't mind having skin tags. It's her body.

Many people find Skype difficult to use and cumbersome. My parents don't like it either and don't use it.

Maybe they don't like the washer and don't want to use it.

The things that seem beneficial and helpful to you may not be so to them. They are not you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're getting a lot of practical advice here, but the things you're dealing with is not for quick answers. Which is what you'll commonly get on this site. It is like putting a band-aid on open
heart surgery. The process of putting this in perspective is going to take a long time. It is not easy to realize/accept your parents may not love you no matter how much want to. I hope you have a couple of good friends whom you can freely express your longing, frustrations, despair, disappointments, anger, resentment with. Or, a sibling who can express the love and affection that you so desperately need from your family of origin. A lack of expressive love and affection from a parent is not something you can easily sweep under the carpet. There's no quick fix, it's a long road to acceptance. BTDT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can't change people. Maybe your mother didn't like the procedure for the skin tags. Maybe she doesn't mind having skin tags. It's her body.

Many people find Skype difficult to use and cumbersome. My parents don't like it either and don't use it.

Maybe they don't like the washer and don't want to use it.

The things that seem beneficial and helpful to you may not be so to them. They are not you.

It is too bad they found it the hard way (for me mostly) that they did not like those things. I would rather spend this money on my child if I knew in advance.
Well, no more things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're getting a lot of practical advice here, but the things you're dealing with is not for quick answers. Which is what you'll commonly get on this site. It is like putting a band-aid on open
heart surgery. The process of putting this in perspective is going to take a long time. It is not easy to realize/accept your parents may not love you no matter how much want to. I hope you have a couple of good friends whom you can freely express your longing, frustrations, despair, disappointments, anger, resentment with. Or, a sibling who can express the love and affection that you so desperately need from your family of origin. A lack of expressive love and affection from a parent is not something you can easily sweep under the carpet. There's no quick fix, it's a long road to acceptance. BTDT

Thank you, pp, I worked on this a little with a counselor (as part of a different issue), but now it seems to re emerge.
I am starting to think that they are mentally ill in a way (lack some important life coping skills), not sure if they were always this way- I guess it just got worse and is getting even worse.
So in a way it is like dealing with a fact that your SO will never express her feelings in a way that is meaningful to you (and who knows what those feelings even are).

Thank you everyone, I do feel better now.