Please help me sort this out: weird parents

[Anonymous]

I feel like you are enabling them by sending them money. Because they have your money, they don't need to deal with their issues.

Also, don't try to rationalize the behavior of mentally ill people. And if they're hoarders, they have some form of mental illness.

There are support groups for children of hoarders, I'd start there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you are enabling them by sending them money. Because they have your money, they don't need to deal with their issues.

Also, don't try to rationalize the behavior of mentally ill people. And if they're hoarders, they have some form of mental illness.

There are support groups for children of hoarders, I'd start there too.

I did not send them money until a couple years ago - they were the same way. They have some income naturally - I just wanted to help them a little. I have no idea how this money is spent but I hope for the best.

Thanks for the excellent suggestion re:support groups- I had no idea there are groups for children and not just hoarders themselves.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you know they are mentally ill-- big hoarding issues and maybe aspergers? Do you feel that if you stop sending money and detach yourself that something truly awful will happen-- they may end up living in real filth, or homeless, or being taken advantage of? They are probably not going to change for the better at this point. If things do ever get really bad, well, that's what social services is for. They'll probably never listen to you anyway.

Did you ever read The Glass Castle? The story is about an extreme case of bizarre parents and parenting but long story short, the author eventually realized that her parents were who they were and she had to take care of herself (and in the end, they didn't even want her help). Might be an interesting book for you to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you know they are mentally ill-- big hoarding issues and maybe aspergers? Do you feel that if you stop sending money and detach yourself that something truly awful will happen-- they may end up living in real filth, or homeless, or being taken advantage of? They are probably not going to change for the better at this point. If things do ever get really bad, well, that's what social services is for. They'll probably never listen to you anyway.

Did you ever read The Glass Castle? The story is about an extreme case of bizarre parents and parenting but long story short, the author eventually realized that her parents were who they were and she had to take care of herself (and in the end, they didn't even want her help). Might be an interesting book for you to read.

Thanks for the book rec- I will definitely read it
No, I think they will be fine- my father is somewhat more functional than my mother. They are living in real filth though... But they won't starve or become homeless, I am sure
I think they want me to stay in touch- of course- I guess this is why I still call and visit
I also had a feeling that their company is truly beneficial for my child- now I discovered that there are quite a few people around us whose company is no less beneficial for him- and much less stressful for me

[Anonymous]

I thought of "The Glass Castle," too. (GREAT book!)

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry, this must be very hard.
I have issues with my mom, like I always felt she never lied me or did anything for me, and it hurts. Your case seems even deeper, I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

My parents are hoarders. I haven't been invited home in 25 years. There is nothing to be done about the situation and I have finally come to terms with it. It used to kill me to think of my parents living the way they do. But they don't want help and resent bitterly any attempts. Having the show "Hoaders" was helpful to educate grandchildren to explain why we were never invited to their grandparents' home.

[Anonymous]

http://childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/

[Anonymous]

OP here- I have been reading about children of hoarders, so many things ring a bell...
Also, it's not just about hoarding.
My parents never bothered to make the effort to be financially comfortable, they always claimed how unimportant money was, and it did affect us kids, of course.
Now they live extremely modestly, and I am torn about it- I want to help them but then small amounts make no difference (or I just don't see it), and big things are either not appreciated or are too expensive.
I have a feeling that if I offered to pay for their dental work, for example, they would just stop somewhere in the middle and I would be mad again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are hoarders. I haven't been invited home in 25 years. There is nothing to be done about the situation and I have finally come to terms with it. It used to kill me to think of my parents living the way they do. But they don't want help and resent bitterly any attempts. Having the show "Hoaders" was helpful to educate grandchildren to explain why we were never invited to their grandparents' home.

PP, thanks for sharing your situation. Are your parents financially comfortable? If not, do you help them out?
Also, do they visit you? Are they "normal" socially, except for hoarding?
I am asking because mine are weird in so many other respects. Just a small example- my dad would wear running shoes with sweatpants without socks, claiming socks hurt him. I gave him special socks with soft ankles (not sure how to explain), but he still does not wear them...
My mom does not agree to haircuts or hair coloring, I offered to take her to a salon, she would not go.

It is just such a mess. I am sure they loved me and still do, but they are so difficult.