Manners with Grandparents/ How are your kids on the phone?

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 7. My parents are her only grandparents and they live far away. They just adore her and are eager to see her as much as possible, but obviously the distance prevents it from happening more than a few times a year. That said, when we see them she does seem to have a lot of fun with them.

The main problem is that we are trying to keep up with them weekly by Skype. They look forward to it every week and it's clear that my daughter doesn't. She complains about it, will sit still for only a couple of minutes before wandering off or getting obviously grumpy and downright rude to them. It breaks my heart when she makes it so obvious that she doesn't want to talk to them and it clearly hurts their feelings too.

How would you handle this? I know she's not really going to understand the importance of family in the broadest sense at this age, but I do think it's reasonable to expect that she can be polite to them. I'm at a loss as to how to enforce that without just setting up resentment toward them. (Oh, and it's not just that she doesn't like sitting still for Skype. We have other family members she hardly ever sees that she gets excited to Skype with once in awhile.)

I'm trying to separate out my own very different childhood feelings, as I adored my grandparents when I was a kid, so this makes me sad and I'm hoping she'll appreciate them more as she gets older if we are lucky enough to have them around then. But in the mean time, I need to find a way to cope and to teach her appropriate respect.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

My 6.5 yr old is also not really able to keep up on skype calls. After a few minutes, she either wanders away or gets silly, loud, and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

It's really hard. I remember my grandparents called me every week from India (many many years ago). Long distance was expensive, and my parents planned our whole day around it. We HATED it, and often complained to my parents about it. In retrospect, it is cruel, but I know my grandparents didn't take it personally. Just like I'm certain my parents won't either. They understand that at this age, talking to grandparents on the phone is the most boring thing you can do.

With that being said, teach her to at least be respectful. My parents used to punish us and give us stern talking tos if we were in any way disrespectful to our grandparents. We would have a small chat with them, tell them what we did that week, and move on. We would moan and groan in the beginning, but we were always made to be polite to them. But allow her to keep her conversation short so that she can go back to her going ons.

[Anonymous]

Starting at about 9, DD got much more interested in chatting on the phone with grandparents--telling about things going on in her life. We've found that the regular old phone works better than video chat on the computer. Somehow seeing the other person (and seeing oneself in a tiny box on the screen!) is more distracting.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to coach both sides. Ask your daughter to share 3-4 things she did in school that week -- a painting from art class, her Flat Stanley journal, the song they're learning in music, the worm she dug up for science, the goal she scored in soccer, etc. Having specific things to discuss about is probably easier than expecting a 7 y.o. to make small talk. And if she wants to be silly, great -- just help her be silly for the camera instead of careening around the room being annoying (which is what my 7 yo also does on grandparental skype calls). Funny faces, adjusting the camera so they can see her standing on her head, telling knock-knock jokes...

On the grandparent side, they need to step up their game and have the right sort of conversation. A generic "What did you do in school today?" isn't going to get the same response as "Did you finish the pot you were painting in Art?" Or get a book they can take turns reading to each other -- GPs on one screen, daughter on the other. Again, it's not going to be 30 minutes of quality conversation the way they practice it with adults.

[Anonymous]

My friend in the military said she'd prep her husband via email before he would call home. He'd ask them specific questions and the kids would marvel how much he knew already about them. Maybe you can use the same tactic with the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

My 8yo is horrible on the phone/Skype. He just prefers face-to-face interactions more. I'm guessing he'll grow out of it at some point, but maybe not. My husband hates the phone and talks on one outside of work.

[Anonymous]

We Skype with grandparents during meals or bath time (your dd may be too old for the latter). It works best when kid is already contained for one reason or another.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that she is seven. Find another way to keep in touch. Seven year olds don't do phone.

[Anonymous]

It is hard. I always wanted my DC to speak to my relatives on the phone. I always felt sad when the conversations did not go well but kids don't seem to want to talk on the phone when they are young.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. I think that the problem feels bigger to me because I know how much my parents depend on these calls to stay in touch and they look forward to them all week, so I feel terrible and responsible when she acts like that (which is my issue, I know.) The other thing is that my parents are on the older side and I'm always conscious that we don't know how many more years she'll have with them in her life.

It does help to know that others go through this too and that she may grow out of it.

[Anonymous]

Skype during dinner with her- gives her something to do. Before calling, together think of a couple questions to ask them and a couple things to tell them. IF you do it over a meal, it gives you time to chat also and releive some pressure on her in the conversation. Don't make it too long either, I think meal time could really help though if its doable with time zones.

[Anonymous]

Take short video clips of her on your Iphone during the week and email them to the grandparents. That would work better.

Just little one minute clips of her explaining her science project or cooking dinner or whatever...

Then every few weeks, ask her to get on the phone for a brief chat.

[Anonymous]

We try Facetime and phone calls between our son (6) and his adoring grandparents. He's also TERRIBLE on the phone and can't hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. I'm hopeful that it's the age, as well.

[Anonymous]

We put skype on during meals when the kids are sitting down anyway, and if it's not during a meal, my kids are often putting on "shows" and dances for their grandparents. Don't make them sit and answer a lot of boring questions, let the grandparents just see the kid in their environment (maybe set up an art project for your daughter and they can watch her paint while you chat with them?)