Mean relative. How does one handle this?
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Anonymous
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My sister is a very mean person (her DH too). We just visited her family and I come away from every visit feeling depressed about what I witnessed and experienced. I'll try to keep this short. She is a racist (hates blacks, won't even let her children watch certain TV shows if they have black characters), she's cruel to her step-daughter, and she is extremely, extremely firm and strict with her 1 and 3 YO DSs. Some examples: Older DS was yanked very roughly by the arm, yelled at, and forced to apologize ("Say you're sorry! SAY YOU'RE SORRY!") for the "offense" of wetting the bed. Another example: older DS climbed into the bouncy chair of his younger brother and was severely scolded, and then taken to another room by his dad where, presumably, he was scolded more because we heard him sobbing in there. The children are forced to say "yes sir" and "yes ma'am" to their parents, and are scolded at when they forget. They (my sister and her family) are very wealthy and live in a beautiful home that is, unfortunately, very uncomfortable to be in because heaven forbid if you spill something. Also, they don't allow their DSs to climb on the stairs. We (DH and I) allow our DDs (ages 2 and 4) to go up and down stairs freely. My older DD happily and unknowingly began climbing the stairs at one point and my BIL yelled "NO, get down off the stairs...[DD's name], get off the stairs!" at her so sternly that she immediately began to cry. She was reduced to tears 3 other times during our one-night visit for similarly minor (IMO) "offenses." I understand that when we're in their house, we need to respect and abide by their rules (e.g., no climbing stairs), but I don't want them yelling at my children.
Now, I know an obvious solution would be to just not visit them. I am tempted to go this route, but the issue is that I love my nephews and niece so much, and I want to have a relationship with them (and I want my DDs to have one, too). I just don't know how to handle the uneasiness I feel when I see my sister and her DH mistreating (in my opinion, abusing) their children right in front of us. For the 2 days we were there, my older nephew clung to me constantly. At one point, he and I were upstairs alone and playing and when his father came up, he said "No dad, no dad, you go back downstairs." (Of course, he was disciplined for that, and forced to apologize). Also, my sister told me that when she and her DH went on a trip recently for a week without their kids (my mother flew in and took care of them), when they walked in the door after a week of being away, the first thing older DS said was "no, no, no..you guys go back, go back [to where they had been]...i stay here with grandma.' This post is turning out to be longer than I intended, so I will stop here. Is anyone in a similar situation, and how do you handle it? |
Anonymous
| Ouch. I think the kicker for me would be them yelling at your kids. Do not sleep over there again. And have you talked to your sister? |
Anonymous
| OP again - I should also add that one time I gently tried to bring up the issue with my sister (I said something like "I know you have said that you are having problems with [child's name]...Would you be open to hearing some general observations about [child]...") She got very defensive and nasty ('Whatever 'problems' we have, I assure you, I know how to handle them, etc"). I said I was sorry, and didn't mean to offend her, and that was that -- and then she wouldn't talk to me for about a month (i.e., let any calls I made go to VM). |
Anonymous
Thanks PP. I was typing an answer to your question as you were posting (see above). Yes, it bothers me (and really bothers my DH) when they yelled at DD like that. It's a hard balance because we are generally very permissive with our kids (i.e., they can climb the stairs in our house as they wish, and jump on our couch), and those things aren't allowed in my sister's house. I understand that we need to respect her household rules, but it's hard for my DDs to understand why they were getting yelled at for, in their opinion, nothing. |
Anonymous
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You need to not stay with them. Stay at a hotel, and only agree to meet them in public, where hopefully the pressure o being in public will curb their more strict behavior.
What does your mom think of how they treat their kids? |
Anonymous
OP, I'd be furious if your DD began jumping on my furniture. I wouldn't yell at her but if you didn't immediately stop her I absolutely would let her know that in our house, chairs and couches are for sitting on and not for jumping on. Was your DD climbing the stairs to get somewhere or playing on the stairs? Maybe he was worried she would fall and hurt herself? |
Anonymous
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I feel bad for their children as well, but unfortunately there is not a lot you can do for now. Hopefully as their children grow up and SIL and BIL are around more parents and kids, they will see that their parenting is unnecessarily strict. Or not. In the future, you can maybe angle for your niece and nephew to sleep over at your house. I agree that you cannot abandon them.
A lot depends on WHY the parents act like this? Could you ask that? Were either SIL or BIL educated in this way? Is it a conscious choice on their part? |
Anonymous
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OP again. We are not close enough to do day trips, so staying over is the only way. We have considered staying in a hotel many times. Driving back this latest time, we actually resolved to stay in a hotel next visit, no matter what. The problem is that my sister and her DH will be seriously offended, and they will always bring it up..also, I feel like when we stay at the house, we can provide a measure of protection for the boys...kind of like a buffer or something. Also, they do not like leaving their house much (there is a wonderful children's museum in their city, but when I suggested it, my sister made a face and said something about the germs that all of the kids bring there, and also about the "types" of kids that go [see my comment about her being a racist]). They have built this beautiful home and yard with all of their expensive toys, gear, furniture, etc...they are quite content to just stay on their property.
Regarding the jumping on the furniture incident: we have told DD that in my sister's house, the rule is that we don't jump on the furniture. So it usually isn't a problem. But she's only 4. And, it's joyful to jump on that big, plush couch, so she sometimes forgets or can't resist. So, I don't think it's unusual that she isn't able to comply 100% of the time. If I ever catch her jumping, I immediately get her to stop. This time, however, I was watching some of the other kids and was turned away from her. Another time during this recent visit, my niece had been instructed to lint roll the couch. My DD tried to sit on the couch (just sit, not jump) on the complete other end of the huge couch (far from where my niece was lint-rolling) and my BIL yelled at her to get off. That was another time that she was made to cry. |
Anonymous
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I'd have much bigger concerns about my child being exposed to racism than I would about them being scolded for going upstairs.
I'd cut them out of my life, maybe a Christmas card but no face to face contact, at least not with the children present. If you feel you must go see your sister, go alone without your kids. |
Anonymous
OP here again. I am pretty sure that it has to do with the bad parenting. My parents sucked. They weren't physically abusive, but they were totally dysfunctional in other ways. I am not sure why my sister ended up this way, but I think it might be a manifestation of the bad childhood we had. My parents' dysfunction has manifested itself in me, too, but in different ways. My BIL's family is totally messed up. Totally, totally messed up. I don't know if his parents were abusive like this, but they are arrogant, rude, selfish, unloving, etc. |
Anonymous
| Have they ever come to visit you overnight, and how does that go? |
Anonymous
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Was your sister always this uptight? Or is she influenced by her husband? She is your SISTER, can't you really talk to her? Is she happy with him? Is there more to the story? How about your mom?
Stay as close as possible to the kids, and be available for your sister, she may need you too. |
Anonymous
| This must be very hard to witness. What do you say when your BIL makes your DD cry? |
Anonymous
OP here again. I completely agree, and this will definitely be an issue that we will face once my DDs get old enough to understand. Also, my sister keeps her racism under wraps in front of my kids. So that hasn't been an issue for my kids, yet. But it's definitely an issue for my niece, and probably already for my nephews. Back when she was 6 or 7, my niece was afraid to go into a pool because there was a black person in it. My nephews know what programs they aren't allowed to watch. |
Anonymous
OP here again. While my DH was holding and comforting our DD while she cried, BIL started apologizing ("sorry, but i am going to be the bad guy on this one, because we don't want our DSs thinking that it's okay for them to climb the stairs, etc.") and my DH said something like 'I understand, I understand, but next time I'll handle it, I'll get her off the stairs, etc."). I understand that they have this rule for their kids, and that our kids have to abide by it when we're visiting, but I don't want THEM handling it -- I want them to let US handle it. We can't always be the first to notice when our kid(s) might be breaking one of the rules because when we visit, there are 5 kids running around, and a lot of the time we (DH and I) try to get some quality time with our nephews and my sister and her DH try to do the same with our DDs. |