how do you blend a family?

[Anonymous]

All kids under 9
TIA

[Anonymous]

Very, very difficult and the divorce stats aren't good.

[Anonymous]

Carefully. With great sensitivity to the children's needs.

[Anonymous]

jeez people are annoying.

i'm in your situation and here's what my fiance and i are doing.

1) there are books on the subject, and most of them sort of seem to say: go slowly, be patient, be creative, talk.

2) in the categories of go slowly for our family, we started a once a week ice cream date with all kids. we just want them to have face time togehter in a low-key fun way. we'll inch our way to a routine of some kid with a meal and then outings plus a meal.

3) we've decided to try to implement all other kinds of changes well ahead of time, to de-couple them from any kind of family merging. so for instance, i think my DS goes to bed a lot earlier than my fiance's kids, (he's a lot younger), so i've asked my fiance on the nights he has his kids over to move their bathtime earlier and then read to them downstairs. small stuff, but to make that a normal part of the routine before other changes come. we have slightly different "food" rules, so we've decided that we both need to start reinforcing with our separate kids some of these shared rules.

4) we'd like once we're farther along, but before we move into the same household, to start a family meeting, to talk about all teh things we have to decide as a family unit. i felt that if we could get this routinized before the drama of a combined household, we'd have a stronger foundation for dealing with all the upsetting things that can happen once we're under the same roof.

most of the books say that the two paretns in question have to talk a lot about situations, discipline for instance being a very tricky thing. we've agreed we need to make sure we give ourselves a lot of privacy and time together to talk through how things are going and how we wish the other were handling something differently.

[Anonymous]

19:25 - I just wanted to compliment you on how much you're really thinking things through here. It seems like you're really trying to make things go smoothly. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:jeez people are annoying.

i'm in your situation and here's what my fiance and i are doing.

1) there are books on the subject, and most of them sort of seem to say: go slowly, be patient, be creative, talk.

2) in the categories of go slowly for our family, we started a once a week ice cream date with all kids. we just want them to have face time togehter in a low-key fun way. we'll inch our way to a routine of some kid with a meal and then outings plus a meal.

3) we've decided to try to implement all other kinds of changes well ahead of time, to de-couple them from any kind of family merging. so for instance, i think my DS goes to bed a lot earlier than my fiance's kids, (he's a lot younger), so i've asked my fiance on the nights he has his kids over to move their bathtime earlier and then read to them downstairs. small stuff, but to make that a normal part of the routine before other changes come. we have slightly different "food" rules, so we've decided that we both need to start reinforcing with our separate kids some of these shared rules.

4) we'd like once we're farther along, but before we move into the same household, to start a family meeting, to talk about all teh things we have to decide as a family unit. i felt that if we could get this routinized before the drama of a combined household, we'd have a stronger foundation for dealing with all the upsetting things that can happen once we're under the same roof.

most of the books say that the two paretns in question have to talk a lot about situations, discipline for instance being a very tricky thing. we've agreed we need to make sure we give ourselves a lot of privacy and time together to talk through how things are going and how we wish the other were handling something differently.

Thank you for your response. When you found the books did you just search blended family? Did you come across anything dummy proof ? Anything that covered when one exspouse doesn't want to play nice?
Thanks again for ALL of your response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:jeez people are annoying.

i'm in your situation and here's what my fiance and i are doing.

1) there are books on the subject, and most of them sort of seem to say: go slowly, be patient, be creative, talk.

2) in the categories of go slowly for our family, we started a once a week ice cream date with all kids. we just want them to have face time togehter in a low-key fun way. we'll inch our way to a routine of some kid with a meal and then outings plus a meal.

3) we've decided to try to implement all other kinds of changes well ahead of time, to de-couple them from any kind of family merging. so for instance, i think my DS goes to bed a lot earlier than my fiance's kids, (he's a lot younger), so i've asked my fiance on the nights he has his kids over to move their bathtime earlier and then read to them downstairs. small stuff, but to make that a normal part of the routine before other changes come. we have slightly different "food" rules, so we've decided that we both need to start reinforcing with our separate kids some of these shared rules.

4) we'd like once we're farther along, but before we move into the same household, to start a family meeting, to talk about all teh things we have to decide as a family unit. i felt that if we could get this routinized before the drama of a combined household, we'd have a stronger foundation for dealing with all the upsetting things that can happen once we're under the same roof.

most of the books say that the two paretns in question have to talk a lot about situations, discipline for instance being a very tricky thing. we've agreed we need to make sure we give ourselves a lot of privacy and time together to talk through how things are going and how we wish the other were handling something differently.

Great post, great advice and seriously, congratulations! Not to hijack this thread, but how long were you dating each other before getting to this point? i ask as I'm a divorced dad of one DD (Co-parent with 50% custody) and dating is challenging enough on its won, let alone while trying to be a great single parent working in a demanding FT position.

[Anonymous]

Yes, great post. One thing missing from your list, which is a great one, and props to you for being so thoughtful, is how each parent is going to keep a separate relationship with their children, and what the direct lines of communication might be, especially if someone doesn't like something or someone. Case in point: My child went nonverbal when his dad had his first serious girlfriend. He didn't want to tell me he wasn't wild about her because he felt that would be dissing his dad. It took him two years -- TWO YEARS -- to tell me this. So it's something to consider, a safe place for children to keep a sense of self in the emerging group. It is navigable but you don't want the group to dominate individual needs. Best of luck and props again for such a thoughtful response.

[Anonymous]

OP here we are blending half siblings. They WILL! get along.... I pray

[Anonymous]

Newly divorced with full custody of one child and demanding job, interested like 14:13 on how long you dated before deciding to blend. I have not started dating yet, but I would love to meet a single dad with custody and blend. I had great step parents and would be happy to expand my family that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newly divorced with full custody of one child and demanding job, interested like 14:13 on how long you dated before deciding to blend. I have not started dating yet, but I would love to meet a single dad with custody and blend. I had great step parents and would be happy to expand my family that way.

In my case te kids are actual siblings. - op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newly divorced with full custody of one child and demanding job, interested like 14:13 on how long you dated before deciding to blend. I have not started dating yet, but I would love to meet a single dad with custody and blend. I had great step parents and would be happy to expand my family that way.

14:13 here, FWIW, I waited about 18 months from time of actually physically separating before I even went on a first date, again - despite a ton of pressure from friends and co-workers and even the pull of my own needs. But I spent the intervening months getting my head on straight, figuring out how I was going to make life for DD and myself simply extraordinary, given my new circumstances, and slowly got "out there". the main things was I had to be 100% good with myself before I felt ready to date again - my divorce was a surprise to me and shock to the system and even though I was the "wronged" party, I had to put all of that behind me in order to move forward.

good luck as you move forward and build a new and dynamic life for yourself and your DC. It gets better, significantly better once you let it go and can be at peace with everything from the past.

[Anonymous]

21:40 here. I am still in shock so not ready to date yet, but once I move etc I hope to start getting back to meeting people. My marriage was horrendous and neith peersons's needs were met on an emotional or physical level. Still, ex started dating on match literally the day after we split. The split was in the end his decision, but I had wanted out for years. I don't want to wait too long though, I already miss adult companionship and have very few single friends. We have been separated less than a month.

[Anonymous]

14:13 here - I completely understand where you're coming from and with your situation sounds like you are already taking some important steps forward. Most of my friends are married with kids and I simply channel that energy into my DD and my other new interests. Just don't be in a rush to meet someone - it's tempting for sure, but I can only share my experience.

Too many women I've met have had something significant in their lives that drew pretty major concerns - yes they were attractive, in shape, well educated, etc. but I'm not going to invite someone with unnecessary drama into my life or the life of my DD.

Don't worry what your ex does (he sounds like a prick anyway) - right now it's about you and your little one. Believe me, if you are good with yourself, enjoy your life, job, etc. and at the risk of sounding trite, if you are attractive, lead an active lifestyle, in good shape, you can have your pick out there. Mature men (I know, there aren't THAT many of us out there) can pick up the vibe - so you might have a lot of first dates but very few second and follow up dates. Just clearly know what you want in your next relationship - and take this time to perhaps evaluate your "criteria".