not passing on food/weight issues to girls
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Anonymous
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I don't have food/weight issues but my husband's entire family of women do.
I was reminded of this just yesterday. I casually mentioned having gained 8 pounds in my 23 weeks of pregnancy and my MIL told me to watch it. (BTW 9-12 is normal for this phase) That got me thinking. I am expecting a girl. She and her sisters are under weight. They don't eat. At family gatherings they drink a little but don't eat. When we go out to eat she always frets about cleanliness of restaurants and how cooked something is if the place was her choice,,,eating next to nothing. At our house she's always "just ate" even thought she'll have been with us for hours and thus not eat much at dinner. This is true of her sisters as well. They are all over 50 and alive so I doubt they are anorexic or bulimic or anything like that. My family tends toward obesity and now I"m worried that she's going to try to pass on some pathologies to my daughter. Any ideas on how to keep this from happening. Books? I like my MIL and my DH doesn't really want to keep his kids from his family. Thoughts? Next time she mentions my weight, I'll try to start a conversation about what's normal and boundires. |
Anonymous
| I think a huge part is you modelling healthy eating (which is not just about nutrition!) and body image. Certainly you can talk to them about not saying things about weight in front of your daughter, but a larger part is going to be giving your daughter a positive way to respond to pressures about eating and weight. |
Anonymous
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I had to pull my MIL aside and give her a talking-to. It went something like this: Phyllis, it's crystal clear you have some body image and food issues, and value looks over what's inside. We don't have to talk about that if you don't want to, though I'm always here if you do. But I have to ask that you not make comments about my daughters' bodies or what they eat. If you continue doing that, I'm going to have to keep them from being around you as your comments to them are really unhealthy. I'd love for them to have a great relationship with their grandma, as they love you so much. Please think about this and let me know if you don't think you can stop the comments; otherwise I'll assume you will. Thanks!"
It was awkward as hell, but she cut WAY down on the comments. I also taught my girls to tell her "I can eat whatever Mommy and Daddy say is okay," when she'd made comments like "Do you really want that second cookie?" "Why don't I put some of that food back before you start eating." |
Anonymous
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UGH.
That's me. DH's mom is obsessed with her weight. She constantly talks about weight watchers, things she "shouldn't" eat. She's happy when she's "down a couple of pounds" but she berates herself when she binges. She once asked 5 y/o DD to hide food from her. She super sensitive so I have to choose my words carefully but when she did that I couldn't hold back. NO! My child will not hide food from you. Are you kidding?!?! MIL got her feelings hurt but I didn't care. I'm not going to allow her to teach DD to hide food because she doesn't have the self-control not to eat it. She's F-ing crazy. I had to explain to DD that MIL has problems eating balanced meals and she struggles with self-control. I also said "It is not your job to help Gram control what she eats. That is Gram's job ALONE." I used to be a middle school counselor. A group of girls came in at 6th grade and ate normal lunches in the cafeteria. The same group of girls, in 8th grade, had a granola bar and diet coke every day for lunch. My mom never talked about diets or disparaged her body. She talked about being healthy and fit. Balance. I STILL had eating issues as a kid. I ate ONLY one granola bar for lunch every day in HS. In college I used laxatives. I was 5-10 and never weighed more than 120 for years. I don't care whose feelings I hurt I will do my best to help DD have a healthy body image. Grrrrrrrrrrr!!! |
Anonymous
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I am about 20 lbs overweight.
I don't ever discuss weight loss or gain with my DD, I don't disucuss being on a diet, I don't put on clothes and say I look gross or something doesn't fit bc I am too fat even if I am thinking all those things. We scale back on junk food because it's junk. We eat less processed food because its not as healthy as real food. We are active because sitting around watching tv or doing nothing is boring. Encourage eating only until full -it's ok to throw something away or put it away for later if you are full and can't finish it just next time know to take less |
Anonymous
Like this poster I never criticize myself as being gross/overweight/ugly. My SIL, MIL have food issues and are constantly talking about how unattractive they are. My MIL wont come outside to the beach because she thinks everyone will be looking at her because she's not model thin. No surprise the whole family has food issues. I'll not have it around DD and shut it down when I hear it. |
Anonymous
+1. This is something I'm working on with my girls. Nutrition and exercise are a must in our family. We don't talk about weight, and I don't say self-depricating things about my body. Fortunately, I'm mostly OK with how I look so it's not too hard to be positive about it in front of my kids. I want them to grow up with a healthy attitude about eating, so that if and when either of them becomes overweight we can talk about it and work on it in a way that doesn't traumatize them. |
Anonymous
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I never, ever use the word 'Fat' in front of my daughter. And honestly, I try to limit the usual standing in front of the mirror, turning and obsessing over what I look like in front of her too. She watches and models EVERYthing I do so when she is around there is none of that.
In terms of eating, we don't have any off limit foods - we all eat in moderation. She gets desserts some nights but not all nights. She gets candy but occasionally. And we all eat the same foods for meals and it always includes a vegetable. Its hard to encourage your kids to eat healthy unless you are doing the same. |
Anonymous
| I don't know but this is why I so desperately wanted only boys. I ended up with one of each and I can't imagine two more perfect kids, but I worry about this all the time. In my case, it is the women in DH's family and my own (including me) that have issues with food and weight. My DD is a young toddler right now but i think about this a lot. |
jindc
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I'm due in October, don't know with a boy or a girl, but this issue worries me a lot.
I'm overweight, had tremendous success on Weight Watchers and it really did help me tune my (very overweight) mother out. I'll post that we went to Shake Shack and how great it was..."did you need that?" is how she responds. Does it matter? I don't eat it every day. It was easy to shut her down while I was on WW because I was kicking butt on it - lost almost 75lbs, looked and felt fabulous. I've gained a lot back since starting IVF and becoming pregnant - I gain fast if I don't work out a lot hard all the time. I want to show my potential future daughter that what we value is a love of activity and food for nourishment - I love to cook and love food, so hope to keep my kid (whichever sex I end up with) involved in cooking and all that. Take them to farmers markets. But if anyone has any book recommendations on how to keep your food/weight issues off your daughter, I'd love to know. I know my mom's issues stem from her mother, and I know I'm fat partly because of my own mother's issues. I started WW saying, "I want it to end with me" but it's not always that easy. and OP, if I gained 8lbs, I'd be THRILLED and would be shouting it from the roof tops! Now I just don't look at the scale 
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