Short older sibling developing sensitivities about tall younger sib- any advice?

[Anonymous]

I have a son who turned 3 last month and is 41" tall. I also have a daughter who will be 5 in a few days and she is just a hair taller- maybe .5" or so. People constantly discuss their height and talk about how tall he is and how he'll be bigger than she is soon. We also get asked a lot of if their twins, I'm assuming because of the height similarities. Lately, DD has become sensitive about the height issue and will very defensively state that she is taller than he is. She'll throw her arms around DS to make him stand still so people can compare their height. She's slated to be short, while he most likely will be much taller, so this will be an issue all their life.

How do I help her with this developing awareness and dislike that her brother is almost as tall? Is it a big deal or am I reading too much into this?

[Anonymous]

Um, that's "they're twins," not "their twins."

-OP

[Anonymous]

I know this won't make your daughter feel better, but be happy that the shorter, older one is not the boy. I know a sibling pair like that, and it is very hard on the boy.

Maybe point out other areas where she "surpasses" him?

[Anonymous]

My sister is two years younger than me and was always my height or taller growing up. People always thought we were twins, but I actually liked that. We would play it up by dressing alike. I think you need to point out things that are positive about her height, tell her it will make her better at gymnastics and dance. Tell her she'll be happier later on when she has a wider selection of boyfriends to choose from (assuming she likes guys to be taller than her). Tell her boys grow taller than girls, it's normal. When people make comments, just smile and move on, don't let her know that you are concerned because she will sense it. My Mom told me that I'm lucky to look so young, that I will appreciate it when I'm older. Well, I didn't look particularly young, I was just shorter than my sister, but I believed my Mom and it helped me feel happy with the way I looked.

[Anonymous]

I believe you want to dial down this competition as much as you can. When you empathize with her, do not sympathize, meaning do not give her any reason to believe that you also feel that being shorter is "worse" than being taller, or that you "feel sorry" for her situation.

You can point out that there is room for tall and short and everything in between kind of people in this world. And then lots of "Buck up, Cowgirl! Up and at 'em!" kinds of exhortations. Sometimes with my own daughter, when she's wallowing in her own self pity about something, I'll offer her a snuggle, but then say, "Okay! Snuggle's over! This isn't anything to cry about, it's not important to life or happiness. Focusing on what's not important is a waste of time, so let's do something better." Yadda yadda, cheerleader kind of stuff.

[Anonymous]

My brother, 3.5 years younger, was taller than me as early as I can remember. To make things worse, I remember my mom lying about my age so that I'd qualify for kid discounts. So don't do that.

The good news is that I grew into a totally average size woman (my brother is taller than average) and we have a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this won't make your daughter feel better, but be happy that the shorter, older one is not the boy. I know a sibling pair like that, and it is very hard on the boy.

Maybe point out other areas where she "surpasses" him?

No, no, no. This only encourages competition and one-upping, which is a one way ticket to driving your kids further apart.

Keep it neutral and observational. "You're right. You're taller than him. But he's growing fast right now and someday he may be taller than you. It's ok. Some people are tall. Some people are short. People come in all different shapes and sizes."

You may also want to slide in a few casual questions somewhere to get her talking about her feelings: "I noticed that DS has grown a bunch lately. He's almost as tall as you. What do you think about that?" Or "You seem upset that DS is almost as tall as you now. What makes you sad?" etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm the oldest and shortest in the family. I think this is one of those instances where you just tell her we can't control how tall we grow- all we can do is eat healthy food and be happy with who we are. Is one of you short? If so, I'd say, see, you're built more like I am (and my sisters) or whatever, and little bro takes after so-and-so, because we're all different, blah blah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is two years younger than me and was always my height or taller growing up. People always thought we were twins, but I actually liked that. We would play it up by dressing alike. I think you need to point out things that are positive about her height, tell her it will make her better at gymnastics and dance. Tell her she'll be happier later on when she has a wider selection of boyfriends to choose from (assuming she likes guys to be taller than her). Tell her boys grow taller than girls, it's normal. When people make comments, just smile and move on, don't let her know that you are concerned because she will sense it. My Mom told me that I'm lucky to look so young, that I will appreciate it when I'm older. Well, I didn't look particularly young, I was just shorter than my sister, but I believed my Mom and it helped me feel happy with the way I looked.

Seriously? What if she doesn't like gymnastics or dance? My DD doesn't have any interest in those things, and I have no interest in pushing them just because of her height.

Also, I think it's bizarre to talk to a 5 year old about her future pool of boyfriends. Completely inappropriate. She's five. FIVE.

Just help her notice and appreciate all the good things her body can do. It helps her run fast. It helps her climb. It helps her kick a soccer ball. It helps her dance (if she's into that). It helps her swim. etc. There are a million ways to help her feel good about her body without laying it on so thick about how great it is to be short.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation but the genders are reversed -- my DS is older by almost 2 years and my DD is nearly his height and probably weighs the same (or more). She is built big naturally -- tall, not skinny, and enjoys food. He is on the shorter side, small bone structure, and little interest in food. I get asked increasingly if they are twins, and neither seem to mind at this point. But I am concerned about the future -- especially since our culture values tall, large men and small, thin women. (And I'm built like my son, so my daughter does not have a tall, sturdy mom.) Any parents out there successfully navigated this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Interesting discussion. We may have to consider this at some point as my almost 1 year old and my almost 4 year old are already sharing some clothes (size 2T).

Youngest is so far off the charts it's hard to believe, and older child is about 20th percentile. I hope they both even out, but if they continue this way the youngest will overtake the older within a year or two. Both boys.

[Anonymous]

I have two girls, and it's been apparent from early on that the younger one (75-90th percentile in height) is going to be taller than the older one (10-20th percentile in height). We've pointed out that their uncle (my brother) is taller than I am, but I am still the big sister, and other similar situations. We tell them both that even if DD2 is taller, DD1 will always be older and always be the big sister.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My husband and I figured out that we think that she equates height with age. I have a very tall (6'5") much younger cousin and she asked DH why he was so much taller than I even though I was older. She will most likely be my height at 5'3" if you follow her growth curve, whereas DS will most likely be like my husband (6'1") following his curve. She should be used to seeing a shorter woman (and I have a twin who's 5'4") with a taller man- should not be an unfamiliar dynamic.

So, because she equates height with age, I think she takes offense when people ooh and ah over DS' height b/c she feels like that means he's older than she is and she knows that isn't so.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that boys are usually taller than boys. I'm just guessing your DH is taller than you.

Feel lucky that the genders are not reversed.

I have 2 boys (age 2yo and 4yo). I am fairly certain the younger one will outgrow the older one at some point.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was just going to suggest that she equates height with age - I am a K teacher, and even at this age, the kids get very confused about how old they are vs. how tall they are. In general, during the toddler/preschool years, younger kids are smaller. I would emphasize to your DD that although her little brother may be taller, he's still her younger brother, and that she is older. Remind her even though he may get bigger or taller than her, she should still look out for her "little" brother