My mother has cancer and is very ill. What is expected of me?

[Anonymous]

So, I've never had a relationship with my mother. My parents seperated when I was 6 (24 years ago) and I lived with my dad. As a child I only saw her 1x a year, sometimes less, and the visit was only a couple of hours at best. As an adult I haven't seen her in 7 years now, but we email and I send her pics a few times a year. I got an email from her yesterday saying she has cancer and has had multiple surgeries to try to remove it including a radical hysterectomy, and others which were unsuccessful at removing the cancer. She is doing chemo now. I am just feeling numb. I don't know what is expected of me in this situation. I lost my dad to cancer 2 years ago and was right by his side till the end, but I know that's not what I should do this time. She lives across the country, should I go see her? She didn't ask me to, and I don't know if she'd even want me to. I'm sure it's a dumb question, but what is expected of me?

[Anonymous]

I think you should go..you won't regret going but may regret not going when it is too late.

[Anonymous]

Just go. You don't have to be there all the time, but see her.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go see her. You don't have to nurse her through this, but do plan a visit.

[Anonymous]

I would worry less about what is expected of you (by whom? your mom? the world at large?) and more about what you want. What will bring you some peace? Seeing her, writing her a long letter, connecting with her by phone... or none of those. Give it some thought and go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

What feels right to you, OP? If you forgot about expectations, what do you WANT to do?

Consider asking your mom what expectations SHE has, and tell her you appreciate her sharing them with you and you need to think about if those work for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was unwanted by my mother (unwed woman status during the 60s) and she raised me any way feeling enormous shame. I never emotionally bonded with her. Through therapy I now accept her as a member of the family that I was born into, through the years I've not had much of a relationship with her.

Any way...I often wonder what I will do if I received word that she wanted to see me before she died. I guess, I would go and tell her goodbye and give her a hug.

OP, do what is best for you. Take care of yourself. You don't want to feel haunted for the rest of your life. You deserve some sort of closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would worry less about what is expected of you (by whom? your mom? the world at large?) and more about what you want. What will bring you some peace? Seeing her, writing her a long letter, connecting with her by phone... or none of those. Give it some thought and go with your gut.

I completely agree with this-very good advice. You don't owe her anything, but you owe yourself peace of mind. Think about what will work for you and make you feel at peace if she passes away. At the very least send a card, flowers and or a basket of fruit or something. I would consider going even if you fly in and fly out the same day. Give yourself the closure by briefly visiting, wishing her wellness and perhaps offering to get her a favorite treat or something. If 30 minutes is all you can handle, do it, then head back to your car, the train, the airport and treat yourself well for making the effort. If you think even this is more than you can handle given everything else on your plate, then go with what works for you.

If people try to guilt trip you for not doing enough, blah blah, ignore them and/or simply say this is not the person who truly raised you and nurtured you, but you are sending your well wishes in your own way.

My husband's mother was abusive during his childhood and a complete raging bitch when we had a relationship with her. If she was very ill, I would still send a card and encourage DH to visit if he can handle it. If I had to visit her I'd pop a xanex and keep it short.

[Anonymous]

Do whatever is going to make you feel like you did the right thing after she dies. What do you want? What do you think you should do? In general, you will probably not regret visiting her or sending words of support, but only you can really know that. You are the one who needs to be at peace with your actions.

[Anonymous]

Whatever your heart tells you to do.

[Anonymous]

She gave birth to you, didn't she? Use this as an opportunity to forgive and give and accept love. Don't dwaddle because you wiill regret forever if you do not mske peace with her. Take her grandchildren to see her. Be kind.

[Anonymous]

Do what is right for OP? Right because her mother is dying and it is all about OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what is right for OP? Right because her mother is dying and it is all about OP.

Yes, it is about the OP. Her mom has not given any indication of what she wants from her daughter right now. As OP says, she has no idea if her mom even wants to see her. And given that this is a mother who sounds like she basically abandoned her daughter, I disagree that OP should rush to her side to be there for her now that she is dying. OP should do what feels true to her, in her heart, and what will leave her with the fewest regrets.

If her mom were begging her to come and OP was waffling, my answer might be different.

[Anonymous]

OP,

First, my heart goes out to you.

I would figure out what you are up to doing. Search your soul. If you are interested in visiting, I would tell your mother as much, but ask if she's up for a visit. She may not be, she may be too sick. But you have to be prepared for that response if you offer to visit.

I do think she may have reached out to you in order to give you a chance to come, but did not ask you outright so as not to put pressure on you. But that's pure speculation on my part.

Best to you in this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been in similar shoes. My mother was a single mom after my folks divorced. I wasn't close with ny father, and when my mother recently died of cancer, my father suddenly began calling.
I somehow let go of the anger, guilt, etc. with my father and had a minimal relationship with ny father. Anyhow, he just died last week and I now realize the loss of both parents is sad and painful.
I say all this because I think this is an opportunity to see and share with your mother before her death; you don't need forgiveness and you don't owe any explanations, but you may want to take this time to think of any questions you may have for her. And play it by ear.
Be good to yourself; grief and anticipatory grief is exhausting. I am sorry you are going through this.