felt insulted by a colleague at professional event
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Anonymous
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A question for fellow professionals. How would you have handled this? Yesterday afternoon at a business lunch, a colleague, not from my industry, but a related one, was seated at a 10 top table across from me. I was speaking to two individuals to my left about a policy issue. The colleague, who was seated across from me, interjected with an argument that most at the table would have disagreed with, kind of playing devil's advocate. She phrased her statement, "But couldn't one make the argument that..."..and went on to offer an opinion. Without repeating it word for word, it was along the lines of "wealthier people pay more in taxes, they deserve more say in how the government is run." (This was not the argument but the example is pretty faithful to this in that it shows an opinion, not a fact that can be proven right or wrong.).
I listened politely to her statement and said sure, one can make the argument, but I don't agree with that, then I went on to finish the statement I was making (which she'd interrupted). So she interrupts again, and repeats the same assertion, telling me: "but you are wrong, because this is x.y,z" so at this point, I give my response. She's taken the discussion off track, as well, but everyone is politely listening. So she then says "I'm sorry, (my name). I must confess: I have you at a disadvantage because this is an area in which I did my PhD work, so perhaps this discussion is not fair." then repeated her comment again, saying she'd done several years of research on the topic. She added a few more assertions (again, opinions, not facts). I am COO of a medium sized company, have been in the field for 17 years, but didn't feel the need to have a credential pissing match. I generally speaking am pretty confident about my business and don't need to prove others wrong, and can easily agree to disagree, but I was taken aback by the fact that she kept at it, and then made her dismissive, insulting remark, disguised as an "apology" that she had me at a disadvantage. Who does that!?? The breakfast speaker was introduced at that moment and we were spared further awkward discussion - the woman left before the end of the speech so there was no continued dialogue, thankfully, but as the speaker started talking, she turned to her colleague, seated next to her "I should just stop, shouldn't I." I was thinking "are you kidding me?" It was very strange and I kept feeling like she wanted to pee on me for some reason. It all came out of nowhere, I was really just very surprised that she wanted to have a little battle at a professional function. I should mention I had never met her before. I felt like it was embarrassing to both of us even though I tried to keep to the high road. What would you have done? |
Anonymous
| I think you need to toughen up. And I wouldn't worry about -- I'm sure she came off more poorly than you did. |
Anonymous
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I think she sounds like an ass and everyone around her picked up on that, I'm sure. Very rude.
I don't know that you could have done anything other than what you did -- confronting her would just encourage her. |
Anonymous
| You were right not to say anything more at that stage. I guarantee that everyone else watching/listening thought that lady was rude and aggressive, and most likely wrong. Everyone knows that you only have to bring out your credentials when what you're saying doesn't sound smart enough .. ha ha! |
Anonymous
+1. If that's the worst thing that happened to you all day, consider yourself lucky. |
Anonymous
| did you dine with man coulter? |
Anonymous
| She came off badly and a little crazy. I try not be upset by the comments of someone that "off." |
Anonymous
I knew I would hear this and you're definitely right. I am irked that it has bothered me this much. It's not usual for me to take things personally - I'm in a competitive field, do a ton of public speaking, and have been wrong many times so even if she were right and I were wrong, it wouldn't have been the first for me to have to say "you know, I never thought about it like that." It's been a long time since someone has made me think "how dare you, you little shit?" so I guess it's just an off day for me. But thankfully, I don't often have people telling me they have me at a disadvantage! And yes, so far, fortunately that is the worst thing that has happened to me all day, though I don't think it means I can't feel kind of crappy about it. |
Anonymous
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That would have ruined my day, too, OP. Except in my case, I would have gotten all hot under the collar and irrational and made MYSELF look like an ass. For some reason, my brain switches off when I get angry. It's a curse.
So thank your lucky stars that you were saved, either my good judgment or by good timing, from being me. 
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Anonymous
| Your keeping quiet let her look worse. I might have gotten sucked into pointing out she was stating an opinion rather than a fact, but it's fine. |
Anonymous
| Is she from a different culture? |
Anonymous
no. |
Anonymous
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I would have said "yes in academia but not in practice" - she is about 35yo - she is young and has nothing but her research. I think the rest at the table can see that. If she is older then I think she was trying to one up you.
Women are devious and she got under your skin. You need to figure out how to not let her get under your skin. It's like on DCUM people correct your spelling - it really pathetic. |
Anonymous
| Why are you so sure you were right and she was just spouting off opinion? If she has done phd work in the area she probably knew what she was talking about. Maybe it wasn't the right place for a debate, but you may have come off as ignorant to her. |
Anonymous
| In my opinion, when she said "I should just stop, shouldn't I" it was because she realized she had made an overblown idiot of herself and was embarassed. You won, OP. |