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Is this a phase? Toddler leaves me in tears...
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Anonymous
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I'm not a wimp, nor someone that cries easily. But I have a 2.5 yr old DS and a newborn. A couple months ago, maybe 2, my DS has becomea holy terror pushing EVERY nerve and I can't deal with it anymore.
Nothing happened before, and I was just assuming it was a phase of being 2, etc. But I'm losing my mind. EVERYTHING is being tested, and I literally mean EVERYTHING. Like, for ex., "DS, please don't touch that again, it's sharp" will lead to him putting his finger a centimeter from it, then look at me with that daring look. I take something away. I always follow through on things like if you do X, then I'm taking away Y and I always do. He doesn't seem to care. Time-outs don't phase him, he doesn't care and just sits there. I try to distract him, make something fun, everything is NO. I give him choices all the time: do you want orange juice or milk? Red cup or Blue cup? Snowman placemat or Sesame Street one? I mean, on and on. Half the time he names something I didn't offer, or says "no, something else", then of course can't name what he wants. I try to praise good behavior all the time, etc. He's very intelligent and strong-willed. I don't know what else to do. Now that the baby is here, he's being "daring" all the time, and can F around with him touching her eyes, grabbing her (though admittedly, he's genuinely happy with her but just rough). The testing behavior, while I realize it's normal, how normal is the CONSTANT testing behavior??? Is there something else I could/shoudl be doing? When does this phase lessen a little? I hate to admit it, but I'm getting frustrated with him all the time and have no patience and often times don't want to be around him ( :cry  and then I feel horribly guilty for feeling that way (and just cried for typing this). I love him so much but am losing my mind. I'm a SAHM with him and a newborn. We don't have the money for a sitter or mother's helper or anything. I'm desperate and grasping for straws.
Any help? Advice? Things to help deal better with him? |
Anonymous
| Op Here: that smiley face, I don't know where that came from, it was supposed to be a cry face... |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you are doing all the right things. He is asking for the gift of boundaries. Just stay consistent, always always follow through on your threats, and don't forget to shower good behavior with praise. It will eventually get easier, though with very intelligent strong willed children it may take 10 to 20 years.....It will also get a lot easier when the newborn starts sleeping through the night and you are feeling more human again - sleep does wonders for your patience.
Can you get your partner to look after him for a while at evenings/weekends so you can get some "you" time? |
Anonymous
| Well, it will get better but the best advice I can give you is take some time for yourself, whatever, read, go to the movies, drive alone, go out with a friend, go shopping, do something alone at least once a week and you are going to feel much better. |
Anonymous
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Maybe you're giving him too many choices? Even things that sound so little and simple to us (yellow cup or blue?), asked constantly, can be confusing for a young child, whose world is already in "turmoil" (in his mind) due to the newborn.
He just may appreciate a little more direction and firm guidance. ("Here's your milk." Period.) It may make him feel less like he has to test you for boundaries. |
Anonymous
| P.S. Don't assume that he's always "genuinely happy" to have a new baby sibling. I've been shocked at the depth of resentment my toddler shows for his little brother. It's a real feeling that needs to be acknowledged. |
Anonymous
| Try to "catch" him being good and praise him for good behavior. Do it often, even for the most expected good behavior. |
Anonymous
| Did the bad behaviour coincide with the arrival of his newborn sister? |
Anonymous
Op Here: no, it started about two months ago, and she's a week old... |
Anonymous
Op here: how would you acknowledge it? Do you just realize it's there or do you say something, i.e., make a point of talking about it? If so, I wouldn't even know how to talk to a 2.5 yr old about it! |
Anonymous
| That is the age. My son was fairly easygoing as a 2 yr old but is making up for that BIG TIME as a 3 yr old. So pace yourself. Read Love and Logic for Early Childhood. Great book w/ a lot of easy suggestions. You are doing the right thing by offering choices about things you don't care about. If he doesn't choose between X and Y in 10 seconds or so, choose for him. He will get it. Ignore a lot of the annoying behavior (ie just walk away). Praise him a lot and save the time outs for dangerous and really inappropriate behavior (hitting, pushing, biting, etc). It is a phase and he will move onto something else. Another suggestion is to get away from him and give yourself a break. Can you sign him up for preschool? |
Anonymous
Well, sort of - give or take a week. Perhaps the behavior didn't start on the day you and the newborn arrived home from the hospital, but surely after a week your son realized that, "hey, I'm going to have share mommy's attention now since this baby is certainly taking a lot of it." I'm not necessarily saying that a newborn is the cause, or even justifies, the behavior, but from the perspective of a child and what you describe it sounds like your son is desperately seeking the attention - even if it is bad attention (like time out, knowing that X will lead to no Y, etc.) from you. And acting out not only vents his frustration, but gets your attention. What happens if you set some mommy/son each day - even if it is only 30 minutes? I'm sure the newborn naps or can just hang out in her P n P/bouncy, whatever, while you and your son read, play with playdoh, blow bubbles, etc |
Anonymous
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I agree with a lot of the PPs. Give some choices but not too many. I think he realizes that he has your full attention when you give him a choice and he is pushing the boundary to maintain your attention (I hope that makes sense). When you give a choice and he doesn't respond or wants something your didn't offer you can repeat "red cup or green cup, you choose or Mommy will choose for you" and then follow through. He'll realize that those are the choices and no matter what he says...those are the choices. Also, I know you want to make him feel loved and not left out with the newborn's arrival but you may want to try giving him less direct attention. I know it sounds counterintuitive but I think he may be playing the attention card. Try to provide toys such as Duplos, toy cars, etc. that hold his attention for longer periods and let him play alone. Does he enjoy appropriate, "educational" TV shows such as Sesame Street? That might be a way to hold his attention while you have a little of a break. I don't like using the TV as a babysitter but sometimes it can save your sanity. When he tantrums simply walk away and completely ignore until he is calm. Then say "oh, you are ready to play (or talk, or eat, or whatever the case may be) now" and carry on with the activity. It sounds like you are already doing so many wonderful things. Keep it up ... consistency is the best thing for toddlers. Continue to follow through every single time. I wish you all the best -- you sound like a fantastic Mom .
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Anonymous
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PEP classes, saved my life!
http://www.parentencouragement.org/ |
Anonymous
| Where is your partner in this? Maybe you can leave the baby with your partner and go out and have an adventure with your son, some one on one time....zoo, bookstore, whatever. And as absolutely everyone else has said, but truly, it cannot be said enough.....sleep does wonders. You are dealing with all of this on interrupted sleep and a body recovering from the mricale of childbirth....make getting some sleep a priority, whatever it takes. I had a friend come to my house one afternoon when I thought I was literally about to lose it and went to her house and slept for 4 hours...changed my life at that moment...good luck, we have all been there and I swear to you it will pass...you can do this, hell, you ARE doing this...it's just beating you up a bit.... |