Fearing having to deal with a grandmazilla
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Anonymous
| Not my mother in law but my own mother. My mother declared that she wants to be at the birth of my and DH's child and when I told her that I only want she, my doula and hospital staff there she said she better be able to meet DC as soon as possible then. I told her ill take visitors when I, dh and baby are ready. She didn't like that. She's also now trying to tell me how long I should breastfeed for and that formula was fine for me and my siblings. I think she just wants to be able to feed baby herself. I am happy she is so happy but I need her to back off. I can see her throwing a fit if I don't let her into the hospital room as soon as baby emerges before the placenta even falls out. DH parents are not behaving this way at all. Her latest suggestion is that we start considering good schools specifically the school district I attended as a kid 9 hours away where she lives. No thought to the fact that our jobs are here in dc. Anyone dealing with a grandmazilla? |
Anonymous
Correction- I only want DH, doula, staff present |
Anonymous
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Sounds like you need to have a little chat reminding her that these are your choices, not hers. This is your chance to be a mom, and you will be doing what works best for you, DH, and the baby.
Find something positive to say too, how you know she will be a loving grandmother blah blah blah but she needs to follow your lead, especially around the birth and early infant days. |
Anonymous
| Hi OP, my mother is a hopeless grandmazilla. If you think it's bad now, it only gets worse. My mother clearly does not give a damn about anything I say regarding my child, she'll just do what she wants and be super dramatic if anyone objects. All I can do is ignore it and not feed into her drama. |
Anonymous
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I hear you, OP. My MIL was so anxious about the birth of my DC that she showed up in the delivery room (with FIL in tow) when it turned out to be taking a long time... They had been sitting downstairs for so long I guess they thought maybe they could help move things along somehow?!?
I agree with PP that you are going to have to set some boundaries/ground rules. I do think you can try to alleviate some of her need to be present by making a specific plan: "as soon as the baby has been delivered and we have gotten settled in our room, we'll call downstairs for you." (granted, plans may change at the last minute, but it might help her to feel like there is a specific plan in place for her to see her new grandchild) You absolutely can expect that she will make all kinds of suggestions about where you should live and how you should raise your child. You CANNOT let all of these comments get to you. You must learn to brush them aside. "thanks mom, we'll think about that." Otherwise, you will go nuts. Trust me - she will not stop making comments. You only can control how you respond to them. |
Anonymous
| My MIL is a grandmazilla. Trust me: set boundaries now before it gets out of hand. Always be kind with your words, but also be firm. Let her throw a tantrum if she wants, but she will have to understand that these are your decisions, not hers. |
Anonymous
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Hospital is easy. L&D nurses are AWESOME at keeping people you don't want out of the delivery room. They are also happy to play "bad cop". Just say hospital and your OB have a policy about minimum number of people in the room, and that they will be called when you and the baby can be seen.
If she insists, just repeat. And repeat. And repeat. Friendly but firm. Once kids is born, keep up the friendly but firm. She can make suggestions all day long: formula, schools, etc. Just smile and says, "We've decided that ___ is best for our family, so we are going to do ____." You can use that exact phrase for every situation. Don't engage. Don't try to justify your decisions. Just repeat "We've decided that ___ is best for our family, so we are going to do ____." |
Anonymous
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If I were you, I'd tell my mom that if she couldn't respect my wishes about not coming to see baby until after I'd been cleaned up, I just wouldn't tell her I was in labor until after baby was born. My mother is the queen of temper tantrums, but she also knows I'm not joking or making idle threats when I say things like that. Luckily for me she lives several states away, so there's no way she could just show up at the hospital.
As for the "advice", PPs are right, you can only control your reaction. In my mind I often pretend that my mom is just another busybody coworker who wants to share their version of the "right" way to do things. So she hears alot of "Oh, I'll have to think about that." Or "that's interesting". Or even "I think we're ok with what we've decided, but I'll let you know if we need any help." |
Anonymous
LOL. Obviously! This is classic grandmazilla logic. My mother would think the exact same way. |
Anonymous
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I think having a heart to heart is in order, but for your immediate goal of not having her just show up at the delivery room - don't tell her you're in labor. Call her when you're ready for visitors to say "Congratulations Grandma!"
You can also put in your birthplan that you do not consent to visitors. We had a family friend who got a little too excited and was calling our midwife when I didn't pick up my phone. My midwife refused to confirm I was even a patient, let alone whether I was in labor, and that is what any medical professional should do. |
Anonymous
Yeah, this is my plan for my in-laws (FIL, MIL, AND SIL) who want to start driving the instant I go into labor. They only live three hours away!!! |
Anonymous
My mom said she wanted to be in the delivery room too! She insisted that she be present and NOT DH, he was supposed to wait in the waiting room. She's definitely going to be a grandmazilla. I'm working now at setting boundaries.
These are great responses, I'm going to use them. |
Anonymous
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Day one is so easy to solve. It is really quite simple.
Just do not call anyone when you go to the hospital ESPECIALLY the grandparents. Once baby is out and you have had your moment, and only then, have your husband call with the good news. Don't let pregnancy braintake over. Keep it simple and you will have the birth you want. |
Anonymous
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OP, if your mom lives nine hours away that will make her popping up in the hospital while you're in labor pretty tough. She can demand this or that or plan all she wants, but babies have a way of coming on their own schedules.
My mom is also a gung-ho grandma and when our first child was born she was determined to be the first to see her in the hospital, even though she lives in another country. She booked a ticket that would have her visiting friends in the area for TWO WEEKS around my due date so she could conveniently pop over to the hospital as soon as she'd heard the baby was born. Our daughter was born three and a half weeks early, which upended all of her plans. You are allowed to say no. It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page with things, which will be a huge help to you. Practice saying, "no, that won't work for us. No, that won't work for the baby." I've found that my own mother is more likely to listen when I say something isn't good for the baby than for me. She may be mad, but you're allowed to set boundaries in your life. Good luck to you! |
Anonymous
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I've said this on other threads but I will say it again here: set boundaries and then do not budge. Not even if she cries. Not even if you realize you were wrong about something. The minute you back down and compromise on one issue you will be as good as telling your mom that you are open to compromise on any issue. With normal people, it's OK to be flexible and roll with the punches. With someone with boundary issues, it's like opening a gate. No, it's like tearing down a fence.
Good luck. Signed, someone with a MIL just like your mom. |