Spouse Changing Story Five Years After

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife went out for drinks with friends five years ago. Got too drunk to drive home and didn't want to leave car behind so she spent the night with a girlfriend. I saw pics on FB of them in the bar drinking so I know that part happened.

The next day she told me who was there- all girlfriends. No mention of any guys or interactions with guys.

Last week she met up with the same girls at the same place. Shed seen all of them dozens of times in the interim, but had not been at that particular bar/restuarant since.

While telling me sbout the night she- unsolicited- remarks that ahe hasnt been back there since that night with Susie, Sara, Lisa, Courtney, Scott, and... Tom.

Tom is her ex-bf.

I said nothing and am waiting until I am sure how to approach this.

Can you think of any reason at all (except for the obvious) why she would have kept that part secret for so long?

How did he end up there? Would it make sense for Tom to be there because he is usually among that group of friends?

If not, who invited him? Is your wife still in touch with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife went out for drinks with friends five years ago. Got too drunk to drive home and didn't want to leave car behind so she spent the night with a girlfriend. I saw pics on FB of them in the bar drinking so I know that part happened.

The next day she told me who was there- all girlfriends. No mention of any guys or interactions with guys.

Last week she met up with the same girls at the same place. Shed seen all of them dozens of times in the interim, but had not been at that particular bar/restuarant since.

While telling me sbout the night she- unsolicited- remarks that ahe hasnt been back there since that night with Susie, Sara, Lisa, Courtney, Scott, and... Tom.

Tom is her ex-bf.

I said nothing and am waiting until I am sure how to approach this.

Can you think of any reason at all (except for the obvious) why she would have kept that part secret for so long?

Nothing happened. She didn’t tell you at the time bc she knew you’d be jealous. If anything had happened you can be sure she would not have slipped and told you now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife went out for drinks with friends five years ago. Got too drunk to drive home and didn't want to leave car behind so she spent the night with a girlfriend. I saw pics on FB of them in the bar drinking so I know that part happened.

The next day she told me who was there- all girlfriends. No mention of any guys or interactions with guys.

Last week she met up with the same girls at the same place. Shed seen all of them dozens of times in the interim, but had not been at that particular bar/restuarant since.

While telling me sbout the night she- unsolicited- remarks that ahe hasnt been back there since that night with Susie, Sara, Lisa, Courtney, Scott, and... Tom.

Tom is her ex-bf.

I said nothing and am waiting until I am sure how to approach this.

Can you think of any reason at all (except for the obvious) why she would have kept that part secret for so long?

Nothing happened. She didn’t tell you at the time bc she knew you’d be jealous. If anything had happened you can be sure she would not have slipped and told you now.

This is false

[Anonymous]

If this was the only time she ever went out drinking with friends and didn't come home that night.. it sounds awfully suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was the only time she ever went out drinking with friends and didn't come home that night.. it sounds awfully suspicious.

That is the thing only one person here knows, just how out of the ordinary was it for her to stay out all night, and how out of the ordinary was it that her ex BF would be on the scene when she is out drinking?

Short of snooping on social media or her phone there isn't much to do but ask her about it.

[Anonymous]

Just bring it up and ask her.

[Anonymous]

I would reach out to Tom and say I know what happened. I would appreciate you never having contact with my wife again.

Most likely his response with be, “sorry I understand.” Then you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Just ask her about it. If something had happened, she probably would have taken it to her grave that he was there. She probably just thought you’d be jealous (and you have every right to be!), but it doesn’t sound like anything happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would reach out to Tom and say I know what happened. I would appreciate you never having contact with my wife again.

Most likely his response with be, “sorry I understand.” Then you have your answer.

Is Tom in a relationship now?

Maybe the best approach would be to contact his wife/girlfriend and tell her that he is cheating with OP's wife and see how she reacts.

Sometimes you have to shake the tree a little bit and see what falls out.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you changed the genders, DCUM would be advising you to file for divorce first thing next week.

But since the woman is the potential "suspect" this time, then they are making up all kinds of excuses for her, as usual.

Absolutely right.

[Anonymous]

All these suppositions and suggestions are so far off.

You have two real choices. One, tell her and see what she says. Odds are, whether guilty of an offense or not, she will deny the part that doesn't match up. Might question your memory. Or come clean if there was an inconsistency.

Regardless, if she has done NOTHING over the 5 years that leads you to not trust her then let it go. If there ARE things over that time that is suspect then perhaps you pursue thisl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OK. Odds are high she slept with him that night. But what are you going to do finding out about an affair 5 years late?

Yeah - she lied about who was there for a reason.

She slept with him again.

Can’t change the past though. Is everything else OK in the marriage?

She really should man-up and admit it to you though.

[Anonymous]

I see three possibilities

1) she slept with him

2) she didn't sleep with him but spent much of the night flirting/reminiscing/testing the boundaries/pining for him.

3) she didn't feel like her DH would handle the news that her ex was there and chose not to disclose it to avoid discussions of the type that perhaps have occurred in the past.

If I were OP I would just bring it up. Hey, the other night when you went to bar X, you mentioned that the last time you went 5 years ago, your ex was there. This is the first I've ever heard of him being there that night, the night you stayed at your friends. Is there a reason you never told me before?

and then I would observe the response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she didn’t mention it bc you are weird and jealous?

If he's anything like my husband, that's the answer. I would never ever cheat, just something I know about myself, but when I used to have a social life in the first 10 years of marriage, I would rarely mention if a guy was around when out my sisters or girl friends.

I think it's this too. If anything had happened they wouldn't be casually talking about it now, Tom would be a "he who shall not be named." She probably knows you're the jealous type and didn't want to deal with your lack of trust and making something out of nothing, so just didn't mention it. And here you are, 5 years later making a big deal out of something most likely innocuous, so seems she was right about that part.

Ding ding ding.

If she actually slept with Tom, she wouldn’t mention him even now. She didn’t mention him then because you are absurdly jealous and controlling. It’s been five years so she is not as vigilant now because she knows nothing happened and there is no reason to leave Tom out. The fact that you are even THINKING there is something to this means you need some serious therapy.