Best ways to argue with spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) nobody should berate their spouse over a forgotten chore.
2) if the forgotten chore is mentioned, the forgetful spouse should first apologize and then go do the chore, or make clear plans to do it.
3) if "berating" spouse already did chore, the forgetgeful spouse should thank them.
4) under no circumstances should the forgetful spouse make excuses or get defensive or turn the situation around and blame "berating" spouse for not doing something else or for the forgetful spouses forgetfulness.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get arguing. We discuss things, sometimes with expressed emotion, but never disrespectfully or immaturely. We also admit to mistakes, and apologize, and forgive. We control our tempers. We speak respectfully to each other, especially when we are upset about something, often using humor to chill the mood.

Not pulling your weight: not OK. Forgetting and needing a reminder, fine, just admit, apologize, and get to it.

Berating another person: not OK. Reminding someone and expressing your thoughts/feelings about the oversight in an adult manner: fine.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Honey, it’s 9 PM, did you forget to take the trash to the curb?” A friendly reminder is all it takes in my house.

You are lucky.

We need a second vehicle. After much discussion about make, model, price, age, etc I’ve spent over a week sending listings of vehicles that meet that parameter, only to be met with no response. I brought it up at breakfast yesterday, stating that I no longer wanted to take part in the search because (a) I’m getting no response and (b) I don’t have financial ‘permission’ to sign the papers on my own, so no response is a problem. I said all this quietly, without raised voice. I was met with just a blank stare. No response, no conversation, nothing. It’s been over 24 hours with no attempts by my spouse to discuss, but spouse is being jovial otherwise. It’s just weird.

My point is that ‘berating’ usually happens in the face of passive-aggression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Berating is never in the equation.

If there is stuff to get done, we divide it up. If it doesn't get done, I'll maybe remind once (especially if I realize I wasn't clear that I meant today, not eventually). If it doesn't happen after that, I'll do it and ask to please remember next time.

My spouse isn't a child but he isn't perfect and does forget stuff. I do, too. If it's all the time and due to bad priorities (playing video games instead of being a present partner), that's a different issue.

What if you find yourself reminding on a near daily basis, and have had calm talks about it already? I hate berating, but apparently I have become a berater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Berating is never in the equation.

If there is stuff to get done, we divide it up. If it doesn't get done, I'll maybe remind once (especially if I realize I wasn't clear that I meant today, not eventually). If it doesn't happen after that, I'll do it and ask to please remember next time.

My spouse isn't a child but he isn't perfect and does forget stuff. I do, too. If it's all the time and due to bad priorities (playing video games instead of being a present partner), that's a different issue.

What if you find yourself reminding on a near daily basis, and have had calm talks about it already? I hate berating, but apparently I have become a berater.

In those instances, we've actually gone to marriage counseling. Because the partnership is failing for whatever reason and this is just a minor symptom of a bigger issue. Something has caused either communication to fail or for one party to not understand that their (inaction) is putting unnecessary stress on the other party (or they don't care that it is). Nip it in the bud while it's a chore being ignored and not something greater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Honey, it’s 9 PM, did you forget to take the trash to the curb?” A friendly reminder is all it takes in my house.

My aspie spouse would but my head off with a 30 minute temper tantrum if I said “did you forget…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Berating is never in the equation.

If there is stuff to get done, we divide it up. If it doesn't get done, I'll maybe remind once (especially if I realize I wasn't clear that I meant today, not eventually). If it doesn't happen after that, I'll do it and ask to please remember next time.

My spouse isn't a child but he isn't perfect and does forget stuff. I do, too. If it's all the time and due to bad priorities (playing video games instead of being a present partner), that's a different issue.

What if you find yourself reminding on a near daily basis, and have had calm talks about it already? I hate berating, but apparently I have become a berater.

They need a neuropsych to determine adhd or asd. Or both. Then treatment.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a bully.

[Anonymous]

We've been married 34 years and I can't recall either of us berating the other. We have always had great respect and trust for each other and we are both very low maintenance. I do have to nudge him at time to get things done but that's about it. I honestly can't recall us ever have a big argument and we are pretty good about sharing information prior to big decisions. I guess this is one of the reasons we are still married!

[Anonymous]

Women always get a pass at things men will never get a pass at. It’s never okay for a woman to hit, scream, or verbally or mentally abuse you. Men need go learn that. It’s normal in society for women to physically abuse men. People never give a second look when it’s a woman hitting a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my spouse ever started to berate me, I would walk away. That's not how mature and mentally healthy people act

It’s also not mature to just walk away.

It's absolutely okay and mature to walk away from someone verbally abusing you

No that’s responding by giving somebody the silent treatment. Unless you say something like “I’m too upset now to have a conversation about this, we can discuss later.”

Seriously if somebody just walks away from a spouse that is berating them, things will not improve. [/quote


The silent treatment is not walking away from someone who is abusing you. You are wrong on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women always get a pass at things men will never get a pass at. It’s never okay for a woman to hit, scream, or verbally or mentally abuse you. Men need go learn that. It’s normal in society for women to physically abuse men. People never give a second look when it’s a woman hitting a man.

+1 We have posters in here saying that you should tolerate your spouse verbal abuse and if you don't engage with them you are in the wrong.