If you’re divorced w kids what is your 50/50 custody arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Guy : 2 kids 7, 10. Alternating weeks with the change over on Friday, this minimize interactions etc

Initially did 2/2/5 and it’s a pain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, op, you said this isn’t a “sure thing yet” in response to someone suggesting you and your ex talk. Does your ex know he/she is about to be an ex?

While it’s true that the two of you can set up whatever custody plan you want in the sense that the court doesn’t care, what nobody has told you yet is that your ex doesn’t have to do what you ask. For example, if your kid plays drums and every Tuesday they are learning how to play American Revolutionary War cadences, and you just love this type of drumming, your ex can say “This activity is for the kid, I want the Tuesdays where she does the Revolutionary War cadences, if you like it so much go find a drum class” when what you love is seeing how your kid plays those cadences, you don’t want to do it yourself. This is the sort of thing you can’t solve on paper because of the emotions involved, and your ex has no reason to care about your feelings.

Know too that many parents will start out saying “8:30 is a great bed time” only to realize that while it may be best for the kids, they also want to enjoy their kids.. What this looks like for you is you get the kids on your time and they are an absolute mess. Then one of them tells you that they stayed up late to watch the diving competitions because “mom wanted to”.

It’s the parent version of “The kid will go to daycare tomorrow, I won’t have to deal with him, sure Billy stay up with me”. This is even more fun when you and the kid really do like whatever it is you’re doing. Then you get the minset of “I already miss half the time with the kids, I’m not about to miss this diving competition”.

Good luck, op. If my husband tried to pull the fact finding mission before “making the divorce a sure thing” I’d have no reason to play nice. I’d fight like an alley cat with the goal that his parenting time fell on the least pleasant part of his days, his interests, his schedule. I wouldn’t kid myself that I’d get what I wanted, but I’d sure spend resources trying anything I could legally do. I’d stay away from the “no girlfriend overnights” but oh boy would I want his custody time happening on the days/times that I know will make him stressed. And no, this doesn’t make me a nice person, but nobody has to be nice once the marriage is over, especially if one person feels blindsided. Remember, your ex (and you too for that matter) do not have to be “mature” which is another way of saying “I am unwilling to do what the other guy wants”.

OP here. Thank you very much for this point of view. It is a weird place we are in — we have been working through many issues the last year, and as part of that we have discussed divorce and what it might look like financially, custódialos, logistically (who lives where etc). We are trying to work through things but we have doubts and are not sure staying together is our best path. It’s complicated of course, but we are also the type if people who get comfort from planning and understanding the vision of what something could be, so the details help.

So it is not anywhere near certain, and as certain as it is (not), my spouse is aware and we are in the same place.

Don't listen to this poster. Your kids need both parents and this is bad advice. You talk to your spouse and make a plan. Either every other week, a 3/4 day rotation or a mix of it. You also don't need to have all the kids the same day so mix it up so kids get individual attention from each parent. Lots of ways to do it. Real question is what do you want and what works best for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, op, you said this isn’t a “sure thing yet” in response to someone suggesting you and your ex talk. Does your ex know he/she is about to be an ex?

While it’s true that the two of you can set up whatever custody plan you want in the sense that the court doesn’t care, what nobody has told you yet is that your ex doesn’t have to do what you ask. For example, if your kid plays drums and every Tuesday they are learning how to play American Revolutionary War cadences, and you just love this type of drumming, your ex can say “This activity is for the kid, I want the Tuesdays where she does the Revolutionary War cadences, if you like it so much go find a drum class” when what you love is seeing how your kid plays those cadences, you don’t want to do it yourself. This is the sort of thing you can’t solve on paper because of the emotions involved, and your ex has no reason to care about your feelings.

Know too that many parents will start out saying “8:30 is a great bed time” only to realize that while it may be best for the kids, they also want to enjoy their kids.. What this looks like for you is you get the kids on your time and they are an absolute mess. Then one of them tells you that they stayed up late to watch the diving competitions because “mom wanted to”.

It’s the parent version of “The kid will go to daycare tomorrow, I won’t have to deal with him, sure Billy stay up with me”. This is even more fun when you and the kid really do like whatever it is you’re doing. Then you get the minset of “I already miss half the time with the kids, I’m not about to miss this diving competition”.

Good luck, op. If my husband tried to pull the fact finding mission before “making the divorce a sure thing” I’d have no reason to play nice. I’d fight like an alley cat with the goal that his parenting time fell on the least pleasant part of his days, his interests, his schedule. I wouldn’t kid myself that I’d get what I wanted, but I’d sure spend resources trying anything I could legally do. I’d stay away from the “no girlfriend overnights” but oh boy would I want his custody time happening on the days/times that I know will make him stressed. And no, this doesn’t make me a nice person, but nobody has to be nice once the marriage is over, especially if one person feels blindsided. Remember, your ex (and you too for that matter) do not have to be “mature” which is another way of saying “I am unwilling to do what the other guy wants”.

OP here. Thank you very much for this point of view. It is a weird place we are in — we have been working through many issues the last year, and as part of that we have discussed divorce and what it might look like financially, custódialos, logistically (who lives where etc). We are trying to work through things but we have doubts and are not sure staying together is our best path. It’s complicated of course, but we are also the type if people who get comfort from planning and understanding the vision of what something could be, so the details help.

So it is not anywhere near certain, and as certain as it is (not), my spouse is aware and we are in the same place.

I am a PP with every other week and a weeknight with opposite week parent. We are actually more flexible than that. We see the kids on our "off parent" days a lot...even if it just an hour or so. A lot of people can't handle being flexible but it works for us.

[Anonymous]

During the school year, every other weekend, long weekends, and all school breaks with dad.

Entire summer vacation with dad with one lunch/dinner visit per week with mom, dad's schedule permitting (i.e., dad is not away on summer vacation).

[Anonymous]

My parents did 2/2/5/5 when I was a kid and I hated it. I remember my friends' parents telling me it was too confusing to remember my schedule... that makes a 7 year old feel awesome. I understand why they started out that way (my sibling was only a baby when they split up) but when we got older, I really wish they would have switched us to a weekly schedule.