how to handle this behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP, I'm on your side with this-Dh literally tried to block your parenting, instead of actually parenting with you. Yes, the kid needed a shower! It's part of hygiene.

And the guy got up in your face...that is abusive OP. I'm sorry, I think I'd be lining up ducks.

In the interim I just give in, right? I think my bottom line is bedtime and deodorant/tooth brushing before school. Otherwise does more harm than good to fight over DS.

PP here-I think you were right to follow through with DS like you did. It would not have been good for DS to see DH get away with trying to intimidate you.

In the interim, I think you might just need to parent like DH is not there-keep DS on his routine regardless of DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you did it because you were mad at your DH for sleeping late. So he said “we’re leaving in 30” and then, in the middle of the afternoon, you told your DS to go shower just to piss off your DH? Is that a normal showering time for your kid?

If you want your DH to get up earlier, have the conversation like adults.

No, I asked my son to shower because he hadn't showered in 2-3 days and I didn't want him to smell bad or look dirty when he went out. That would take some crazy pettiness to tell my kid to shower to make my DH mad? Thankfully things haven't gotten to that level. In that moment, telling my DS to go take a shower seemed like a totally normal thing to do given that they weren't leaving for 30 minutes.

My DH will not get up earlier. He just refuses. Lost cause.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you know these two things:

1) (without therapy), your DH is a jerk and this relationship is not going to get better

2) you need a formal diagnosis for the kid-- this is a minor point in this conversation and tangential to your post, but at 9, if he has probably ADHD, you should know for sure and employ all the strategies you need to (doesn't have to be medication). I just say this as someone with a raging case of ADHD who was sadly not diagnosed nor appropriately helped until adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you know these two things:

1) (without therapy), your DH is a jerk and this relationship is not going to get better

2) you need a formal diagnosis for the kid-- this is a minor point in this conversation and tangential to your post, but at 9, if he has probably ADHD, you should know for sure and employ all the strategies you need to (doesn't have to be medication). I just say this as someone with a raging case of ADHD who was sadly not diagnosed nor appropriately helped until adulthood.

Working on #2. I guess I'm looking for strategies to keep things calmer for DS in the middle of all of this - lots of other turmoil surrounding his diagnosis and other stuff.

[Anonymous]

Yes after two days, your child should shower before leaving the house.

I think instilling good hygiene habits is very important.
For your husband to say that especially in front of your child is just wrong.

Your child needs to learn to listen & respect you.
Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like H and kid have ADHd or ASD. 8 or 9 yo absolutely have BO and greasy hair unless curly. My ASD H is so out of it he let DC have a shower with no soap and she still stinks. Neither thought to get or ask for soap back in there.

OMG this sounds like my husband. He would give kids baths but not “do” anything beyond fill the tub and play on his phone. More than once the kid who had just taken a bath would stink and have mud and food on his face when I went into read a story. I was so pissed.

Yeah this would be my husband. It’s just unreal how little he cares or has any clue

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds like a pain. But also, if you’re in charge of hygiene, you get to make a routine. Most parents choose evening for kids to bathe, others morning. Why wait 2 days until afternoon and dig in about it being necessary right now?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP was digging in not DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP was digging in not DH.

+1. OP is digging in even on this thread. She sounds like a pain.

[Anonymous]

If your child had not showered in 2 days, you should have asked him to shower well before 1 pm. Why does he have to shower only if he goes out if he already had BO? You need to be the parent regardless of what your husband does.

Please just admit that you were trying to annoy your husband because you had been up since 6:30 and he slept in. Don’t use your kid like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH sounds like a pain. But also, if you’re in charge of hygiene, you get to make a routine. Most parents choose evening for kids to bathe, others morning. Why wait 2 days until afternoon and dig in about it being necessary right now?

This is my read on the situation as well. Why was it okay for 2 days and suddenly imperative to do it immediately?

[Anonymous]

So one lazy out of it parent with no rules and consistency undermining one parent with a sense of routine and consistency.

Kid will ask ways suffer from the lazy undermining parent. Even if divorced. Kid will sink to the lowest denominator parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH sounds like a pain. But also, if you’re in charge of hygiene, you get to make a routine. Most parents choose evening for kids to bathe, others morning. Why wait 2 days until afternoon and dig in about it being necessary right now?

This is my read on the situation as well. Why was it okay for 2 days and suddenly imperative to do it immediately?

I wanted him to shower because they were about to go out and likely end up indoors some place. Generally I want my kid not to smell bad. If they had been heading out the door that second and I tried to stop them - yes, that would have been unreasonable. But they clearly were not going anywhere for at least 30
minutes and DH just got really fixated on that he didn’t need to shower. Part of posting here is to wonder why he is like that — like really, why did hearing me tell our son to shower trigger him? But it’s probably pointless to wonder. For those of you who don’t have to deal with this kind of erratic stuff, I’m happy for you.

[Anonymous]

So you’re good with him smelling bad at home but not if he’s out with your husband?
You should have made the kid shower at a normal showering time: night or morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH sounds like a pain. But also, if you’re in charge of hygiene, you get to make a routine. Most parents choose evening for kids to bathe, others morning. Why wait 2 days until afternoon and dig in about it being necessary right now?

This is my read on the situation as well. Why was it okay for 2 days and suddenly imperative to do it immediately?

I wanted him to shower because they were about to go out and likely end up indoors some place. Generally I want my kid not to smell bad. If they had been heading out the door that second and I tried to stop them - yes, that would have been unreasonable. But they clearly were not going anywhere for at least 30
minutes and DH just got really fixated on that he didn’t need to shower. Part of posting here is to wonder why he is like that — like really, why did hearing me tell our son to shower trigger him? But it’s probably pointless to wonder. For those of you who don’t have to deal with this kind of erratic stuff, I’m happy for you.

and btw - one reason he had not showered is that DH kept him out really late the night before (usually shower at night) and I decided to skip the shower so he could get to bed on time. With school struggles I’m trying to keep his bedtime consistent, while at the same time trying to teach him basic hygeine during early puberty, and then also just make sure he’s presentable in public so he doesn’t have to be the smelly kid on top of everything else. DH participates in none of this - and I mean none. He had to be taught step by step to take a shower at all because of sensory issues. The only time DH gets involved in any of this stuff is on a sudden, erratic basis if he gets some be in his bonnet about how it inconveniences him or he dislikes it in the moment. I’ve already sort of given up on the bedtime consistency because often times DH will ignore DS and the house all day until like 8:45pm and then want to take DS on a walk. So I say ok because I know it’s the only time they will have together. Then they come home late, shower skipped, and we end up in chaos like yesterday morning.

I dunno guys, it is so, so exhausting.