Your story of living together, guy finally committed

[Anonymous]

Yes - lived with boyfriend for 7 yrs before we got engaged. No ultimatum, just decided it was the right time together. Were both clear for the entire relationship that we wanted marriage eventually. TBF, we were 29 and 31 at the time of engagement.

[Anonymous]

All an ultimatum is is letting the other person know that you aren’t willing to stay in this indefinitely. If you really mean it, and you aren’t just trying to be manipulative, then I think it’s reasonable to let the other person know.
It’s a little much to expect the other person to be glad, but overall, it seems kinder than keeping the information to yourself and just up and leaving one day. And of course a woman should not stay in a relationship where she feels uncomfortable with the level of commitment indefinitely just to avoid giving an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Lived together 4 years before getting married. Been together 18 years.

[Anonymous]

I did not live with my now DH, but I dated for 6 years. I was 19 when I met him at college. He was 19 too. He got a job at 21 and moved to another country. I continued studying and got two additional degrees. We married at 25. He proposed at 19, two months after meeting me. I too knew that I wanted to marry him. Still, I waited until he had proved to me that he was serious about us. Every single decision he made after graduating was to support me and create a life for us. We have been married for 30 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is commitment only defined by a marriage license? DH and I have been together for 36 yrs. We’ve lived together for 25. We have 4 kids. At different points in our relationship we’ve each wanted to get married but it’s never been important enough to either of us to do something about it. We both know that if either one of us feels the need to get married that person needs to get the license and make the appt at the courthouse. It’s not very romantic but we’ve long passed the big wedding stage.

Make sure you have legal aspects covered. If something happened to you him or kids, you do not have the same rights as a spouse. The law has provisions in so many areas for spouses. It’s not so much about the wedding but the contractual provision too.

Aren’t they essentially common law spouses at this point?

Tell that to the ER doctor that needs next of kin to authorize life support because you are a common law spouse. Ever seen million dollar baby? Laws need to be enforceable to mean something.

There are a ton of laws. You know if someone goes down on you in the Commonwealth of Virginia, and you complain, they can be sentenced to life in prison?
https://law.lis.virginia.gov/vacode/title18.2/chapter4/section18.2-67.1/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is commitment only defined by a marriage license? DH and I have been together for 36 yrs. We’ve lived together for 25. We have 4 kids. At different points in our relationship we’ve each wanted to get married but it’s never been important enough to either of us to do something about it. We both know that if either one of us feels the need to get married that person needs to get the license and make the appt at the courthouse. It’s not very romantic but we’ve long passed the big wedding stage.

Make sure you have legal aspects covered. If something happened to you him or kids, you do not have the same rights as a spouse. The law has provisions in so many areas for spouses. It’s not so much about the wedding but the contractual provision too.

Aren’t they essentially common law spouses at this point?

Tell that to the ER doctor that needs next of kin to authorize life support because you are a common law spouse. Ever seen million dollar baby? Laws need to be enforceable to mean something.

There are a ton of laws. You know if someone goes down on you in the Commonwealth of Virginia, and you complain, they can be sentenced to life in prison?
https://law.lis.virginia.gov/vacode/title18.2/chapter4/section18.2-67.1/

That’s interesting because I know someone who went to the emergency room recently and wrote down that the woman he lives with is his wife. He was admitted to the ICU and only the girlfriend was allowed in to visit him for the extent of his stay. His children were not allowed in to the ICU, only the girlfriend, whom he had listed as his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is commitment only defined by a marriage license? DH and I have been together for 36 yrs. We’ve lived together for 25. We have 4 kids. At different points in our relationship we’ve each wanted to get married but it’s never been important enough to either of us to do something about it. We both know that if either one of us feels the need to get married that person needs to get the license and make the appt at the courthouse. It’s not very romantic but we’ve long passed the big wedding stage.

Make sure you have legal aspects covered. If something happened to you him or kids, you do not have the same rights as a spouse. The law has provisions in so many areas for spouses. It’s not so much about the wedding but the contractual provision too.

Aren’t they essentially common law spouses at this point?

Tell that to the ER doctor that needs next of kin to authorize life support because you are a common law spouse. Ever seen million dollar baby? Laws need to be enforceable to mean something.

There are a ton of laws. You know if someone goes down on you in the Commonwealth of Virginia, and you complain, they can be sentenced to life in prison?
https://law.lis.virginia.gov/vacode/title18.2/chapter4/section18.2-67.1/

That’s interesting because I know someone who went to the emergency room recently and wrote down that the woman he lives with is his wife. He was admitted to the ICU and only the girlfriend was allowed in to visit him for the extent of his stay. His children were not allowed in to the ICU, only the girlfriend, whom he had listed as his wife.

Okay. You realize you’re proving my point. Laws need to be enforceable to matter. Writing down you’re a spouse at pickup doesn’t mean crap. People always assume my SO is my spouse. Doesn’t sound like a decision on whether to keep alive or die was being made. And, the legal distinction doesn’t hinge on that one point alone. If your common law spouse is disabled or dies early, you’re not getting their social security. No matter what happens or who my ex husband marries, I get his social security as 1st wife, then our child. There are a zillion things that change procedure when married, like withdrawing from an IRA without both parties notarized signature. It is a contractual protection.

Covid procedure likely restricted the visitors.

[Anonymous]

Lived together 5 years, I was starting a business and it pulled in all of my time, my girlfriend was heading to a friends wedding and said if she got on the delta shuttle without a ring on her finger she was never coming back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who is 30 and has been living with her boyfriend over a year. They had dated at least a year before this. She wants to get married to him and their families are all for it and they’re in love. Anyone been there and had the happily ever after?

People who want to get married, do; people who don't want to get married, either break up or hang on until they find someone "better"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All an ultimatum is is letting the other person know that you aren’t willing to stay in this indefinitely. If you really mean it, and you aren’t just trying to be manipulative, then I think it’s reasonable to let the other person know.
It’s a little much to expect the other person to be glad, but overall, it seems kinder than keeping the information to yourself and just up and leaving one day. And of course a woman should not stay in a relationship where she feels uncomfortable with the level of commitment indefinitely just to avoid giving an ultimatum.

+1, same for men

[Anonymous]

My husband and I lived together for 4 years (aged 29-33) before he proposed. We got married pretty much exactly a year to the date of his proposal.

No ultimatums for me. Maybe it works out for some people but in my friend group I have only seen that work out badly (a VERY unhappy marriage).

I asked him before we moved in together if he saw marriage in our future and he said yes, he saw us getting married in a few years. That was enough for me. We already owned our place (yes, together, unmarried). I wasn't really in a huge hurry because I wasn't ready for kids yet, and loving that carefree DINK lifestyle.

Other people's experiences mean nothing for your friend and her future. Some guys commit and some string women along. Has she had the "do you see marriage in our future" conversation with her boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

DH and I lived together for ~2 years before he proposed (had been together a year prior to that). We were 28 (me) and 37. I remember my mom wanting me to put a little more pressure on him to propose (i.e. milk for free etc) but I wasn't worried. We had already discussed marriage and were both on board. We were having fun partying and traveling so just didn't feel a need to rush.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple that's been together going on 4 years, no proposal. She's waiting for a proposal, but he's cheating so it probably will never happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I lived together for 4 years (aged 29-33) before he proposed. We got married pretty much exactly a year to the date of his proposal.

No ultimatums for me. Maybe it works out for some people but in my friend group I have only seen that work out badly (a VERY unhappy marriage).

I asked him before we moved in together if he saw marriage in our future and he said yes, he saw us getting married in a few years. That was enough for me. We already owned our place (yes, together, unmarried). I wasn't really in a huge hurry because I wasn't ready for kids yet, and loving that carefree DINK lifestyle.

Other people's experiences mean nothing for your friend and her future. Some guys commit and some string women along. Has she had the "do you see marriage in our future" conversation with her boyfriend?

What did it matter if you wanted kids yet? You don’t need to be married to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I lived together for ~2 years before he proposed (had been together a year prior to that). We were 28 (me) and 37. I remember my mom wanting me to put a little more pressure on him to propose (i.e. milk for free etc) but I wasn't worried. We had already discussed marriage and were both on board. We were having fun partying and traveling so just didn't feel a need to rush.

You make it sound like you have to give this up when you get married. No wonder people stop having sex.

We got married when we both knew we wanted to get married. We didn’t wait until we were done partying and traveling and having sex. Maybe that’s why those things have continued throughout our marriage. It wasn’t some turning point where we needed to change into completely different people.