How do you explain to a 17 year old they won’t be an adult at 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're the kind of parent you sound like you need to be prepared for them to move out. My mother told me I'd never be an adult until she let me, and that I'd need to live with her until I found a husband because I was stupid and useless and would never be able to do it on my own, among other nasty things she said and did. So I spent my teens plotting how to leave the moment I could. I saved every penny, figured out what I'd need to do to get my HS diploma, talked to my boss about adding more hours, and arranged to move in to my coworkers empty bedroom. I moved out the day after my birthday and never looked back. I graduated from college, law school, and have a happy family - life accomplishments that my mother takes full credit for, all while complaining that we don't visit so she can "show us off".

She still paid for your college, so you definitely weren't as "independent" as you'd like to think or have us think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're the kind of parent you sound like you need to be prepared for them to move out. My mother told me I'd never be an adult until she let me, and that I'd need to live with her until I found a husband because I was stupid and useless and would never be able to do it on my own, among other nasty things she said and did. So I spent my teens plotting how to leave the moment I could. I saved every penny, figured out what I'd need to do to get my HS diploma, talked to my boss about adding more hours, and arranged to move in to my coworkers empty bedroom. I moved out the day after my birthday and never looked back. I graduated from college, law school, and have a happy family - life accomplishments that my mother takes full credit for, all while complaining that we don't visit so she can "show us off".

She still paid for your college, so you definitely weren't as "independent" as you'd like to think or have us think.

Where did PP say that her mom paid for college?

[Anonymous]

I said something like this to my DD before she turned 18. The important thing is to say it tongue in cheek, friendly...I said it while we were driving and we were joking.

Larla, there are different definitions to the word "adult."

You are an adult in the legal definition. That means, if you kill someone next week, you're not going to juvie. So better hurry up if you want to take someone out. You only have a few more days

"You're right, mom, now is the time"

Don't forget that this is it for the drunk driving "I'm sorry officer, I'm just a stupid kid" excuse

"Let's buy some beer"

To be a real adult in the social sense, it's when you are taking care of yourself. You have taken on adult obligations, like paying for yourself. And preparing yourself to take care of others.

"Not happening soon, mom"

There will be sort of a sweet spot when you go to college where you will have a lot of decisions to make but won't have to pay for yourself.

"mom my plan is to party all the time and f** every guy I meet. And girl"

"I'm ok that you're pan-whatever"

"Pan-whatever? Whatever? I'm pan-sexual, mom"

"ok, you do you, don't forget though that i don't care who you bring home as long as they don't have those scary earrings. No scary earrings, please...If I can see through to the other side, it freaks me out"

"ok no scary earrings"

(so it's getting the message across casually, Op. For the record my DD does not drink or party or date, but she says she is pan-sexual)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

OP here. I won’t lock her in the basement, but I won’t let her move out under my watch. Sorry. Nope. Not happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

OP here. I won’t lock her in the basement, but I won’t let her move out under my watch. Sorry. Nope. Not happening.

You realize that’s called kidnapping... right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

OP here. I won’t lock her in the basement, but I won’t let her move out under my watch. Sorry. Nope. Not happening.

If they are a senior in high school you let her know that its 18/high school graduation and as long as you financially support her, its your rules. But, she has every right to leave after 18, which is why when some parents hold their kids back it later becomes an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

OP here. I won’t lock her in the basement, but I won’t let her move out under my watch. Sorry. Nope. Not happening.

How do envision being able to prevent this if it is what she wants to do? Short of locking her in the basement, I'm really curious about what steps you think you can take to stop her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

OP here. I won’t lock her in the basement, but I won’t let her move out under my watch. Sorry. Nope. Not happening.

Sounds like you need to take some parenting classes, as well as learn how to be an adult yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

OP here. I won’t lock her in the basement, but I won’t let her move out under my watch. Sorry. Nope. Not happening.

Sounds like you need to take some parenting classes, as well as learn how to be an adult yourself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First you choose better words. They are an adult at 18. That’s not something you as a parent get to bestow on your kids. What I guess you’re speaking about is certain privileges. If they want to behave in a certain way that conflicts with your values (eg no drugs in your house/vehicles) or lifestyle (eg 11pm curfew because you start work everyday at 7am), then you explain to them that if they make certain choices there are consequences. And lay out those consequences.

By law they are an adult, but this doesn’t mean their maturity level matches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First you choose better words. They are an adult at 18. That’s not something you as a parent get to bestow on your kids. What I guess you’re speaking about is certain privileges. If they want to behave in a certain way that conflicts with your values (eg no drugs in your house/vehicles) or lifestyle (eg 11pm curfew because you start work everyday at 7am), then you explain to them that if they make certain choices there are consequences. And lay out those consequences.

By law they are an adult, but this doesn’t mean their maturity level matches.

True, and if you are in DC, you aren't really treated as an adult in terms of criminal justice, so it may not actually be the kid's last few days to get in trouble without real consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

OP here. I won’t lock her in the basement, but I won’t let her move out under my watch. Sorry. Nope. Not happening.

How do envision being able to prevent this if it is what she wants to do? Short of locking her in the basement, I'm really curious about what steps you think you can take to stop her.

If she wants to move out, you have to let her. Otherwise, it's a felony called kidnapping.

If you are at this stage, you've missed many, many, many other parenting opportunities.

You can have reasonable rules for continuing to live at home -- even adults need to be respectful roommates, help out around the house, etc. And financial support can be conditioned on reasonable things -- attending school, for example, or even living at home. But that's it -- the only hold you have over your kids at this point is the respect you've earned and the money you spend (or the fear or habits of obedience you've instilled, if you're that kind of parent).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

'

Absolutely they would be allowed to do that.
You may not WANT them to do that, but there is literally nothing to prevent them from doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

OP here. I won’t lock her in the basement, but I won’t let her move out under my watch. Sorry. Nope. Not happening.

And then she can call the police and report that she is being held in the home against her will and YOU will be arrested for kidnapping or false imprisonment. What you are proposing is illegal. Please buy a clue before you get yourself in serious trouble and your daughter cuts you completely out of her life. Because you sound crazy enough to end up there.

If she wants to move out, there is no "letting" her about it. She can move out. End of story. Stopping her from doing so is against the law. Do you want to end up on the news?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they are right. Can’t drink, but aside from that, full adulthood. You are also an adult so can chose how you react to their boneheadedness, like stopping paying for phone/car/internet/college or kicking them out of the house. I think you would fare better by agreeing he is indeed an adult, and has new freedoms and responsibilities. And coming to some agreement of what those are, and what you will do if he abuses your trust/kindness/home.

OP here. They won’t be allowed to move out at 18 or go wherever or whenever they want. That’s the point of this thread.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but, legally, they can go wherever or whenever they want even earlier (if they are emancipated).
You can't just lock an 18-year-old in your basement - but I hope you already know that. Do you?

OP here. I won’t lock her in the basement, but I won’t let her move out under my watch. Sorry. Nope. Not happening.

How do envision being able to prevent this if it is what she wants to do? Short of locking her in the basement, I'm really curious about what steps you think you can take to stop her.

If she wants to move out, you have to let her. Otherwise, it's a felony called kidnapping.

If you are at this stage, you've missed many, many, many other parenting opportunities.

You can have reasonable rules for continuing to live at home -- even adults need to be respectful roommates, help out around the house, etc. And financial support can be conditioned on reasonable things -- attending school, for example, or even living at home. But that's it -- the only hold you have over your kids at this point is the respect you've earned and the money you spend (or the fear or habits of obedience you've instilled, if you're that kind of parent).

Yes, I understand that, but I was trying to get a better sense from OP about what she planned/hoped to do.