What have you learned about your own upbringing by becoming a parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the surprises of parenting is how much it has made me realize about my own childhood. Just stuff I'd never really thought about before has become so obvious.

I have a toddler, going through the phase of learning how to handle big emotions. Something I learned early on in the process is that when she melts down, one of the best things I can do is stay calm. Some of the parenting resources I look at call this "being their calm." The idea being that they don't know how to manage feelings like frustration or disappointment yet, but if you can model calmness, it helps them process those feelings without always becoming angry or screaming and crying.

This was an epiphany for me. I don't find it hard to model calm for my kid, and it's actually really help deal with the toddler meltdowns. But it's made me realize that no one modeled calm for me as a child. They modeled irritation or rage, or they just ignored me when I was upset. As a result, I've struggled as an adult with managing the same emotions my toddler is now working on, and definitely have bad habits of getting angry, irritable, or simply ignoring my own feelings. Helping my toddler has actually helped me figure this out and I'm sort of amazed I made it through this much of my life without these skills.

Anyone else realized stuff like this via your kids and learning how to parent them? I honestly don't think I would have realized any of this stuff if I hadn't had a kid.

seriously. i learned that my mom was pretty abusive and i have had life long issues that stem from her (in) ability to actually parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
These threads kill me. “I have a toddler and now realize I am such a better parent than my imperfect parents who raised me, sheltered me, fed me, educated me, etc.”

Abuse= habitual cruelty. Cruelty = callous indifference to causing suffering in another person.

Be respectful of your own parents. If they didn’t have the positive parenting resources that are so popular today, cut them a break. Or your kids will absorb your judgmental habits. End rant.

I agree that people should not be too judgmental and realize that most parents really did do their best in raising them, despite obviously making mistakes. Still, it’s not wrong to acknowledge and identify things your parents did wrong and try to improve your parenting as a result of that. That’s what this thread is about, I think: not blaming parents (except the abusive, negligent ones of course) but about realizing ways to be a better parent than your parents were...if your parents truly were good parents, then they would hope and wish for their adult kids to turn into better parents than the previous generation.

we can acknowledge our parents did not have today's tools and perhaps their own trauma and also acknowledge that they did damage some of us by the way they raised us. Both can be true. They can still be willing to look at rsources now and say sorry.

[Anonymous]

I learned how much my mom really kept our house together and liveable. Since they divorced, my childhood home is a sh*t show and my dad still lives in it. My dad's alcoholism led him to do things I would never do as a parent. He never dealt with emotions and my parents sent the message that was normal. I know now and try to teach my own kids that emotions are valid and should be felt and acknowledged in order to be managed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very similar experience. My parents overreacted and were short tempered a lot of the time when I was growing up. I think I repressed a lot of the memories of childhood until I had my own kids and found myself struggling to deal w the day to day challenges of having kids. Then I found myself acting the way my parents did, hated it, couldn’t understand why I was acting that way, had a revelation that that was how I was raised, and now am actively working against those natural tendencies to be a better, calmer parents for my own kids. Reading books about being an adult child of emotionally immature parents has helped. In the moment, trying to see things from my kids’ perspective, focusing on the kids and their feelings and motivations rather than on my own feelings or expectations of the kids has really helped me to empathize with my kids and help them cope with the big emotions they have. it helps me remain calm and patient and really listen to them.

Ive heard so many people comment that having kids made them appreciate their parents much more but it actually had the opposite effect on me. I didn’t even realize how much pain and hurt I had leftover from childhood until I had kids and I never really analyzed my parents’ parenting before but now that I have, I realize how much I want to make sure I do differently as a parent. I try really hard not to be resentful or blame my parents but just to focus on myself and my kids.

This is so well put. I knew my childhood and family of origin was screwy, but nothing like being deep into raising kids made me really understand how bad it was. I work on this all the time with a therapist -- the pain of what I missed out on; the fear of repeating. People from happy/stable families have NO idea how much work it is to get out from under this.

[Anonymous]

How neglectful and abusive my parents were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How neglectful and abusive my parents were.

This.

[Anonymous]

“All I wanna do is go the distance.” – Rocky Balboa

[Anonymous]

How hard my mom had it. I grew up in a third world country. We did not have a fridge for most of my childhood. Meals were cooked on a little coal stove. No hot water, no washer and dryer, no indoor heat, and certainly no dish washer. Both my parents worked demanding jobs, but my dad's job had more upward mobility, so my mom held down the home front to allow him maximal time and energy to succeed in his field. She had to get up early every morning, shop for that day's food in a local wet market, cook 3 meals from scratch, work a regular job, and do all the chores. We were free ranging a lot as kids, but it was what it was.

Our living conditions gradually improved during my middle school years. When we migrated to the U.S. during my high school years, it got super hard for my mom again.

Yes it's still hard raising little kids, even with all of our shiny appliances and new gadgets, but compared to my mom, I can't even fathom how she did it all.

I will say one thing I'm doing differently, though. we give our kids a lot of hugs and reassurances. I hug them every day and tell them I love them. Growing up my parents never hugged us, not even once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very similar experience. My parents overreacted and were short tempered a lot of the time when I was growing up. I think I repressed a lot of the memories of childhood until I had my own kids and found myself struggling to deal w the day to day challenges of having kids. Then I found myself acting the way my parents did, hated it, couldn’t understand why I was acting that way, had a revelation that that was how I was raised, and now am actively working against those natural tendencies to be a better, calmer parents for my own kids. Reading books about being an adult child of emotionally immature parents has helped. In the moment, trying to see things from my kids’ perspective, focusing on the kids and their feelings and motivations rather than on my own feelings or expectations of the kids has really helped me to empathize with my kids and help them cope with the big emotions they have. it helps me remain calm and patient and really listen to them.

PP, can you recommend some of these?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How neglectful and abusive my parents were.

This.

+1

I had a "nice" childhood. We decorated christmas cookies. Went to summer camp. had a dog. It wasn't until I had kids that I realized my parents were emotionally absent for my entire childhood. I am very grateful for my children for an opportunity to both parent them but also re-parent myself. Learning to sit with my feelings. Feel them. Treat them with kindness. and learning that I am worthy without doing anything. I tried to earn their emotional support by being a "good" kid and nothing was good enough. It's exhausting. I am so much happier now but did have to mourn and grieve the relationship I wish I had with them. Now when I see them I stick to tactical topics like "hand me the butter" or "I am taking the dog out" and do not share anything about my personal life (about my job, health etc). It is so much better and less triggering that way. Sending love to all you parents going through something similar.

[Anonymous]

My father was erratic throughout my childhood. He had anger issues and I never knew what I was going to get with him.

It always hurt me.

Now I understand it had nothing to do with me. And I sympathize.

It also makes me try to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned that parenting is hard and that while my parents sucked, maybe that was the best they could do given their own emotional baggage. I’ve tried to do better.

So true. X 1000. By the time I had kids I had spent 25 years angry at my parents for their poor, selfish parenting, their instilling in me severe anxiety and low self worth. I suffered depression. I had already diagnosed my parents as borderline (mom) and narcissist misogynist (dad). That definitely made parenting for me not eye opening, but I went into it eyes wide open and determined to be the calm and steady cheerleader parent I never had. Even so, I found myself struggling with my own anger management issues towards my kids when they were toddlers. I took myself to classes etc but they didn’t really help. My husband, an amazing human, has been instrumental in getting me to be the best parent I can be, daily .

[Anonymous]

That my mom was amazingly selfish.

[Anonymous]

I learned, well, kind of new, that my parents barely participated in playing with us, never read to us or took us to the park. My life is about catering to my children.
My parents simply opened the door and let us out so ww can play outside. They didn't really worry about where we were or where we went. Daycare took care of us during the week from 8 to 6. We just co-lived. Giving us a bath and feeding us was the biggest work they ever did. Going to ER with a kid? Rarely happened- really had to be an emergency like a broken bone.
They had the easiest time after we were potty trained at 1 or so.

[Anonymous]

I learned that it is a miracle I made it into adulthood with the capacity to give and receive love.