How to find humor in a crappy childhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP its not funny you can't make it funny and you don't need to present it to anyone. Its your private business.

It's hard to grow close to fiends without EVER saying anything about your parents or childhood. Where'd you grow up? Oh, do your parents still live there? Do you see your parents often? Are your parents coming to visit the new baby/for your son's birthday? Oh I went there on a family vacation when I was 8 - where'd you go on family vacations? All totally innocent things to ask.

I think you are making too much of this.

- I grew up in Timbukto. Where did you grow up?
- Yes, my parents still live there! How about you? Where do your parents live?
- No, unfortunately I don't see them that often. How about those Nationals?
- No, they won't be able to visit the new baby / come for DS's birthday. But we are going to have a lovely celebration with 15 four year-olds at Chuck E Cheeses and ...
- How cool! No, we were not able to have many family vacations when I was a kid. But my favorite experience was ...

When people ask those questions OP they don't want all the drama and they definitely don't need you to obfuscate. I gave answers that would be entirely appropriate without any song and dance. You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not funny. Watch The King of Comedy if you want to see how not funny it is.

A therapist is a good person to unload onto, OP.

I had one therapist I told. He charged $250 a session, so I stopped after 2 sessions. He was the first human I talked to about it. Ever. But it allowed me to be able to tell my now DH and allowed me to bring it up with my sibling and talk about it.

I guess I just feel like it would be nice if I had at least a couple friends that knew as well - maybe not the entire saga, but just the extent of it.

Talk about it here. It's safe and anonymous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not funny. Watch The King of Comedy if you want to see how not funny it is.

A therapist is a good person to unload onto, OP.

+1

And do not think that trying a humorous take will make people want a window into your life. I am instantly turned off; the use of humor lets me know the person is still a wreck and being dishonest about it, or trying to sell me something about it. The dishonesty/story manipulation is unattractive. Just tell me: My dad was awful.

- Person estranged from family due to abuse who doesn’t volunteer information, but if you push me about what I’m doing for mom for Mother’s Day, I’ll tell you point-blank that she was abusive so I have no contact.

I once shut down on a friend because she revealed some things about her crappy childhood. I remember thinking, she's too f'ed up for my liking -- and I am estranged from my family due to an abusive, neglected childhood. So be careful what you say, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once shut down on a friend because she revealed some things about her crappy childhood. I remember thinking, she's too f'ed up for my liking -- and I am estranged from my family due to an abusive, neglected childhood. So be careful what you say, OP.

I wouldn't let this scare you off, OP. If someone can't handle the fact that you have a painful history, they're not good friend material for you. (Rejecting someone because what happened TO them is pretty harsh, PP.)

I agree with others that you can come up with simple, honest responses to questions about your family. Humor might be a natural protective response for some people, but if you have to manufacture it, it's not going to work well in conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP its not funny you can't make it funny and you don't need to present it to anyone. Its your private business.

It's hard to grow close to fiends without EVER saying anything about your parents or childhood. Where'd you grow up? Oh, do your parents still live there? Do you see your parents often? Are your parents coming to visit the new baby/for your son's birthday? Oh I went there on a family vacation when I was 8 - where'd you go on family vacations? All totally innocent things to ask.

I think you are making too much of this.

- I grew up in Timbukto. Where did you grow up?
- Yes, my parents still live there! How about you? Where do your parents live?
- No, unfortunately I don't see them that often. How about those Nationals?
- No, they won't be able to visit the new baby / come for DS's birthday. But we are going to have a lovely celebration with 15 four year-olds at Chuck E Cheeses and ...
- How cool! No, we were not able to have many family vacations when I was a kid. But my favorite experience was ...

When people ask those questions OP they don't want all the drama and they definitely don't need you to obfuscate. I gave answers that would be entirely appropriate without any song and dance. You're welcome.

Like most things, there’s a lot of variation. I have two close friends that I’ve known my whole life, and a small number of friends that I know I could share anything with if I needed to or wanted to. I can totally get OP wanting relationships that feel deep enough and strong enough to include their whole selves. Most of us want to be loved and enjoyed for who we feel we really are — in at least some of our relationships that go beyond family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP its not funny you can't make it funny and you don't need to present it to anyone. Its your private business.

"It doesn't matter how you feel, inside you know. It's what shows up on the surface that counts. Take all your feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you... and happiness will follow."
-Marge Simpson

[Anonymous]

Were your parents alcoholics? You can go to an adult children of alcoholics meeting once things open up again. You can share it all there. And you may hear some stories that put things in perspective, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP its not funny you can't make it funny and you don't need to present it to anyone. Its your private business.

"It doesn't matter how you feel, inside you know. It's what shows up on the surface that counts. Take all your feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you... and happiness will follow."
-Marge Simpson

Huh? I thought that advice was from King of the Hill.

HANK: Luanne, sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Now there's two ways you can deal with it. You can cry -- and that's the path you've chosen -- or you can not cry.
LUANNE: How do you not cry?
HANK: Well, instead of letting it out, try holding it in. Every time you have a feeling, just stick it into a little pit inside your stomach and never let it out.
LUANNE (trying it): Are you supposed to have a pain under your rib?
HANK: Yes. That's natural. The body doesn't want to swallow its emotions. But now you go ahead and put that pain inside your stomach too.
LUANNE: I think it's workin', Uncle Hank. I feel sick, but not sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are two examples of how you make it humorous:

1. In my family, either things were done the Bing Way, or the Wrong Way. There was no other way to do them other than how my dad thought things should be done. When I finally moved out, 1,000 miles away, it was exciting but also terrifying. Because my parents spent months having me make budget after budget, constantly telling me how I wouldn't be able to afford living on my own. Finally I snapped and pointed out there are people who pack up their cars and just go, and they make it. I had 10 months of savings, had leads on jobs, had three relatives in the area I wanted to move to, and was going. So I went. After I moved into my new apartment, I was laying in bed smiling about how awesome it was to finally be on my own. I could watch MTV if I wanted. I could eat a piece of fruit standing over the sink - NO BOWL! The possibilities were endless. This was MY home. I could do WHATEVER I wanted. And that's why at 3am I got out of bed, went into the bathroom, grabbed the garbage pail, and defiantly put it OUTSIDE the bathroom, in the hall. Because I could. Two days later I put it back in the bathroom because well, that was more practical. But still. I could put things WHEREVER I WANTED. A few months later my parents came to visit. Proudly I showed them around my apartment. There was a ledge at the top of the entry stairs, and I kept a couple of things there - keys, a flashlight, etc. My dad picked something up and asked where it went. I proceeded to give him a heart attack by saying, "It goes right where it is. It just lives there. Out. All the time." His face twitched something awful, but he put it down and said nothing.

2. I came from a family where if you weren't early, you were late. I was the type to skid in right as the bell finished ringing. My parents never missed an opportunity to tell me how unprofessional this was. Even when I was seven, and my profession was to be a kid and have fun. I was allowed to ride my bike for a maximum of 15 minutes. For every minute I was late getting back, that was a week I was grounded. My parents were hardcore about time. In 2019 a bunch of family members were getting together - a little family reunion if you will - and it was agreed we would all meet at a certain time in the lobby of the hotel we were all staying in. At 5 minutes to 4pm, I left my hotel room for the lobby, arriving there a minute and a half later. At 4pm I got a text from my SIL - their baby had exploded, they were cleaning her up and they were running a couple of minutes behind. My parents however, rolled up at 4:09. My mother smiled at me. My father looked at me with no expression on his face. I made a show of pulling up my phone, looking at the time, then looking at him, and just said, "Well, well, well."

See, OP? I left out that I had my precious possessions thrown away if they weren't in the spot my parents decided they should be in. I left out that if I was late getting home I had to stand against the wall getting yelled at for an hour being told I was never going to amount to anything and nobody would ever hire me. I left out how I grew up being terrified of my father. Or that he hit me so hard I peed my pants. More than once. I just laid out something that lets you know they were super strict, and how I dealt with it once I had a bit more power and autonomy.

None of this is funny. Your parents are 100% recognizable as abusers from these snippets alone. I know you think you edited out enough details to make someone think it’s funny—but you are mistaken. I’m really sorry.

OP, there really isn’t a way to make a childhood like the one you are describing humorous. You can get to enough peace with it that it doesn’t upset you—through therapy, not through improv classes.

You should spend some time around standup comics. I know they seem hilarious; on the whole, they are an incredibly damaged group of people.

[Anonymous]

Just say nothing...

[Anonymous]

Good lord almighty! Grow up. Very few of us had wonderful childhoods. I had an older sister who hated me and blamed me for our mother's death and she used to beat me all the time.

Holding grudges only hurt me so I forgave her and got her out of my life. Again, GROW UP!

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t be getting into stuff like that with mom-friends unless you are genuinely close. I had a painful and chaotic childhood and laugh about it all the time with my siblings and my husband if something going on in our lives brings up an effed and/or ridiculous story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord almighty! Grow up. Very few of us had wonderful childhoods. I had an older sister who hated me and blamed me for our mother's death and she used to beat me all the time.

Holding grudges only hurt me so I forgave her and got her out of my life. Again, GROW UP!

NP here, and I'm sorry you had a difficult sister. I don't see how this post is responsive to the OP. The OP asks for guidance on how to talk about family in ways that don't bring people down. Reading what you wrote sort of brought me down. I think your post would have that effect on many people. Not to criticize you for that! - It sounds like you have a really difficult family relationship and it's understandable how angry and unhappy you feel about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I thought the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was a humorous spin on being a second generation immigrant and feeling different to peers, while not completely fitting in with a large intrusive overbearing family. There wasn't extreme abuse in the family, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord almighty! Grow up. Very few of us had wonderful childhoods. I had an older sister who hated me and blamed me for our mother's death and she used to beat me all the time.

Holding grudges only hurt me so I forgave her and got her out of my life. Again, GROW UP!

NP here, and I'm sorry you had a difficult sister. I don't see how this post is responsive to the OP. The OP asks for guidance on how to talk about family in ways that don't bring people down. Reading what you wrote sort of brought me down. I think your post would have that effect on many people. Not to criticize you for that! - It sounds like you have a really difficult family relationship and it's understandable how angry and unhappy you feel about it.

Stop your sappy patronizing I am not angry. Once I was grown I understood that forgiving her was a gift to myself. I forgave her and got on with my life. I rarely see her but I am close to her daughter. I am just sick of people who dwell on their unhapppy childhoods. Adults move on.