Question for people raised by loving, competent parents

[Anonymous]

I think the biggest thing is that people “seem” genuinely nice, but sometimes it takes years and then their veneer cracks and they unleash the psycho. It’s extremely disturbing to witness never mind bear the brunt of.

So true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell (as far as you know) when someone was not raised this way? What I mean is - do you pick up on something about this person or that person that makes you suspect they were not raised by loving, competent parents? Or do you think or assume that everyone was parented like you were? [/quote

If I see odd reactions to normal, everyday things then I may look at their upbringing.

To add, I think that upbringing doesn’t necessarily determine someone being “messed up” as an adult. I largely think that it all depends on a person’s resiliency to life. Some people are resilient and some are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a spectrum and isn't really binary. I mean if you're talking about objectively horrible situations, I suppose that can come out. But just not great sometimes not living parents who are kind of narcissistic? That's a LOT of people.

I agree with this. My parents were loving and generally attentive, but my Mom went through a period of depression, and I learned later that there were some issues between my parents that I wasn't aware of. We kids were neglected for a while. I was the youngest, so it probably affected me more, and I can see how it influences me as an adult. However, I don't think anyone would look at me and think "There goes someone who had a screwed up childhood." I do consciously make an effort to never let my child feel that he isn't worth my attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the biggest thing is that people “seem” genuinely nice, but sometimes it takes years and then their veneer cracks and they unleash the psycho. It’s extremely disturbing to witness never mind bear the brunt of.

Omg so true. It really can take years and it’s actually scary to witness, and like you said, take the brunt of it. Horrible.

[Anonymous]

I’m a psychiatrist. I can usually tell very quickly in a clinical interview. Every now and again, I will see someone who needs an eval before gender reassignment or bariatric surgery or who has just experienced something incredibly traumatic, and it’s a little jarring for me.
But for the most part, I can’t really tell in my social life.

If I can tell at all, it’s usually early in meeting someone. People with traumatic childhoods tend to disclose too much too quickly. People who are very psychotic (think active schizophrenia) will love you or hate you within seconds. People who are very healthy will take a while to get to know you before forming an opinion. People who are neurotic are somewhere in the middle, and will either start telling their life story or decide that they don’t like you within a short period of time.
Unlike previous posters, it’s harder for me to tell later on. Everyone is going to decide whether or not to trust you at some point, and everyone has a certain amount of drama in their lives. I mean look at John McCain. He was probably one of the most mentally fit people in our lifetime, and he still had a ton of drama. Drama comes from meaningful interaction with the world.
Also unlike previous posters, I often find that people who have had traumatic childhoods are extremely nice, kind, and generous. They are often nice to the point that they are easily taken advantage of, particularly if they are either extremely attractive or unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eventually, yes. I am a SAHM. I spend a lot of time with other SAHMs. When I see how they parent/interact with their children, it’s usually a really good indicator of what kind of family they came from.

See, this is not my experience at all. Some of the most caring, connected, and attuned parents I know come from bad family backgrounds and they are so gentle and connected to their kids precisely because they know what it feels like to be treated poorly by parents and never want their kids to go thru what they had to.

+1 I'm a SAHM too and I think most people view me as very connected and compassionate with my kids. That's because my mother was an abusive alcoholic. I was generally cared for by my older sister, who went on to committ suicide in early adulthood. My children's mental and emotional health is a top priority for me. I make mistakes, of course, but I am quick to apologize to my children and talk things through. I hope they grow into well adjusted adults that know they're loved beyond measure.

[Anonymous]

Bad childhood checking here. I can almost always spot it. Adults from good homes seen more self assured, self confident, at ease in the world with others and themselves. Nothing to make up for or prove, no bad history to rewrite.

[Anonymous]

I can usually but people randomly tell me all their business too. They often tell me I’m really positive. I just listen and try to not act like their story isn’t crazy. Then say oh well you look good today anyway or that’s something to pray about and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can usually but people randomly tell me all their business too. They often tell me I’m really positive. I just listen and try to not act like their story isn’t crazy. Then say oh well you look good today anyway or that’s something to pray about and leave.

Me too! It’s like a weird gift, people always tell me their life stories and problems. I have a friend of many years who literally only tells me her problems, I don’t even think she knows how many siblings I have, we literally only talk about her. I think I am a very positive person and listen carefully, maybe that’s why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the biggest thing is that people “seem” genuinely nice, but sometimes it takes years and then their veneer cracks and they unleash the psycho. It’s extremely disturbing to witness never mind bear the brunt of.

Omg so true. It really can take years and it’s actually scary to witness, and like you said, take the brunt of it. Horrible.

+2. Took me three years the only time it happened to me. It was bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a psychiatrist. I can usually tell very quickly in a clinical interview. Every now and again, I will see someone who needs an eval before gender reassignment or bariatric surgery or who has just experienced something incredibly traumatic, and it’s a little jarring for me.
But for the most part, I can’t really tell in my social life.

If I can tell at all, it’s usually early in meeting someone. People with traumatic childhoods tend to disclose too much too quickly. People who are very psychotic (think active schizophrenia) will love you or hate you within seconds. People who are very healthy will take a while to get to know you before forming an opinion. People who are neurotic are somewhere in the middle, and will either start telling their life story or decide that they don’t like you within a short period of time.
Unlike previous posters, it’s harder for me to tell later on. Everyone is going to decide whether or not to trust you at some point, and everyone has a certain amount of drama in their lives. I mean look at John McCain. He was probably one of the most mentally fit people in our lifetime, and he still had a ton of drama. Drama comes from meaningful interaction with the world.
Also unlike previous posters, I often find that people who have had traumatic childhoods are extremely nice, kind, and generous. They are often nice to the point that they are easily taken advantage of, particularly if they are either extremely attractive or unattractive.

Did you ever meet John McCain? I respected him a lot, but he was clearly impacted by his life experiences.

[Anonymous]

I find it hard to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of people are projecting from their personal experiences. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and now suffer from severe anxiety. I have a great marriage, career, children, and friendships so my life doesn’t look broken but I am a very sad, anxious person inside. Life is really hard for me.

I am the same.

You both are not alone. Same here. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in dysfunctional family and I generally can tell if the person was raised in a loving and caring family. Not immediately, but after a few conversation or social interactions. It is very noticeable in the office environment. I guess I spot those people instinctively, because I learned a lot of from them, and later, from their parents. I strived to provide a stable environment for my kids and i learned a lot from the dynamics of those families.

I am like a pp have a great life now (loving husband, great successful kids, job that I love). I don't have any anxieties, depression or any other issues related to my upbringing though. I still believe my parents did the best they could under the circumstances and I love them a lot.