Question for people raised by loving, competent parents

[Anonymous]

I come from a damaged home and the thing that always strikes me is all my friends (and husband) also come from damaged homes. Something about the inner strength and confidence of people who were raised well really unnerves me. When I was a kid I used to bully kids from happy families because I was jealous. Now I just avoid people like that because it makes me feel so inferior. And FWIW, my childhood wasn’t violent or traumatic, just inconsistent caretakers and selfish uninterested parents who moved me around every few years.

[Anonymous]

I was raised by kind, loving parents and I'm best friends with my four siblings - RIP to both Mom and Dad - they were incredibly loved.. On the contrary many of my DC friends, including my husband, are from homes that were very different. Highly dysfunctional (Alcoholics/drug addicts/suicide/mental illness/ugly divorce/neglect/hoarding/narcisssim/emotional abuse/gambling etc.). hte children from these homes are some of my very best friends. They are accomplished and wonderful parents . They have raised great, grounded kids.. I met most of them as adults, but they overcame a lot and some were the first to go to college/law school/grad school. I also know great loving families with difficult and unhappy kids. I don't fault the parents - life and humans are complicated.

[Anonymous]

Eventually, yes. I am a SAHM. I spend a lot of time with other SAHMs. When I see how they parent/interact with their children, it’s usually a really good indicator of what kind of family they came from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell (as far as you know) when someone was not raised this way? What I mean is - do you pick up on something about this person or that person that makes you suspect they were not raised by loving, competent parents? Or do you think or assume that everyone was parented like you were?

I asked DH this for you - he grew up in a VERY loving, wholesome family. He talks with at least one parent almost every day. He said "not always." He pointed out that my roommate in college, who grew up like he did was a hot mess, while I grew up in a broken home with neglect and abuse was totally normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eventually, yes. I am a SAHM. I spend a lot of time with other SAHMs. When I see how they parent/interact with their children, it’s usually a really good indicator of what kind of family they came from.

See, this is not my experience at all. Some of the most caring, connected, and attuned parents I know come from bad family backgrounds and they are so gentle and connected to their kids precisely because they know what it feels like to be treated poorly by parents and never want their kids to go thru what they had to.

[Anonymous]

I feel like a lot of people are projecting from their personal experiences. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and now suffer from severe anxiety. I have a great marriage, career, children, and friendships so my life doesn’t look broken but I am a very sad, anxious person inside. Life is really hard for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of people are projecting from their personal experiences. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and now suffer from severe anxiety. I have a great marriage, career, children, and friendships so my life doesn’t look broken but I am a very sad, anxious person inside. Life is really hard for me.

Hugs, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not at all. There are wonderful people raised by terrible patents and vice-versa, so...

It’s more a question of odds. There are obviously people that overcome their upbringing and those that fail in spite of it, but it does have an effect. Genetics does too so it’s worth paying attention to what else is going on in the family tree in either group. Really though, as another poster alluded, someone doesn’t have to be perfect for them to be right for you and their experience may contribute to them being able to understand yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of people are projecting from their personal experiences. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and now suffer from severe anxiety. I have a great marriage, career, children, and friendships so my life doesn’t look broken but I am a very sad, anxious person inside. Life is really hard for me.

Another Hug, PP. I'm sorry you feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Early on in a friendship, you really don’t know about people’s upbringing and family issues. What becomes apparent to me is the drama between in laws, parents and siblings. All that drama is simply TOO much for me and I tend to back away. This drama doesn’t make anyone a bad person, they simply require more energy than I have to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of people are projecting from their personal experiences. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and now suffer from severe anxiety. I have a great marriage, career, children, and friendships so my life doesn’t look broken but I am a very sad, anxious person inside. Life is really hard for me.

I am the same.

[Anonymous]

It hurts to know that I worked hard to overcome the trauma of an abusive childhood and to know that there are still apparently people who feel that I am damaged goods, don't deserve to be their friend, marry their child, etc. I can't imagine being so perfect and smug that I would go as around judging other in that way..

[Anonymous]

This is such a spectrum and isn't really binary. I mean if you're talking about objectively horrible situations, I suppose that can come out. But just not great sometimes not living parents who are kind of narcissistic? That's a LOT of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of people are projecting from their personal experiences. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and now suffer from severe anxiety. I have a great marriage, career, children, and friendships so my life doesn’t look broken but I am a very sad, anxious person inside. Life is really hard for me.

This seems common in this area, so you are definitely not alone - tons of anxiety here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early on in a friendship, you really don’t know about people’s upbringing and family issues. What becomes apparent to me is the drama between in laws, parents and siblings. All that drama is simply TOO much for me and I tend to back away. This drama doesn’t make anyone a bad person, they simply require more energy than I have to give.

It is not always that person's fault - if their MIL or someone in their life invites drama, maybe they are just not good at not being a nice human being - and that becomes a problem. If people are accustomed to nice, then marry into a dysfunctional family (for example) - they have to learn to put up bigger and bigger boundaries, in a place (family) that would have been considered not necessary. Not all families are safe, positive places of refuge - some of them are places of abuse, either blatant or not. When you marry into that, it can be difficult and a bit jarring, at first.