Poll about parents and in laws & money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? NO, they (my parents) never babysit and we would never ask them to. My FIL and his caregiver live with us and my FIL would be unable to babysit because of dementia.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? MY PARENTS live down the street. We see them at least 2-3 times a week.
3. How many times do they visit you a year? SAME as #2
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? N/A
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? N/A
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? THEY almost always pay but sometimes my husband gets grabby with the bill and pays, which annoys my dad. We pay all of my FILs expenses if we go out with him.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? YIKES, no!
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? NO but growing up my parents sent $500 a month to my dad's mom (this was in the 70s and 80s and $500 was a lot more back then than it is now)
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? YES, we put away 3% a month of net income in a special savings account earmarked for parent LTC. I don't think we'll need it but we started about 20 years ago. It is a sizable amount now.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? YES, my FIL lives with us now. It was an emergency decision after my MIL died. It has been a blessing. We added an addition to the house and reconfigured the first floor to make it work. We could do the same with my parents but their health needs are different and they will likely go to one of the 4-5 places where we have deposits. Where they go depends on who is the surviving parent and what they want. If they want they are certainly welcome to join us in our home. We would need another addition.

The bold was a good idea by a PP. I resubmitted my answers.

[Anonymous]

My Parents:
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? Yes, several.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? 4-5 times
3. How many times do they visit you a year? 4-5 times
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? They do.
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? We do.
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? Depends, sometimes they treat, sometimes we do, sometimes we go dutch.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? No
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? No
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No, they have their own savings for that.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? If they need to, they're always welcome in my home.

In Laws:
1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? No, we don't allow them around our kids unsupervised.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? >1 we see them every few years
3. How many times do they visit you a year? never
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? They don't visit..
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? We do.
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? Usually us.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? Lol no
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? No, but they'd certainly like us to.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? Nope
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

MIL:

Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? Yes. Probably 1-2x/month for date nights or errands or whatever gaps come up. The kids also hang out with her when we're just home and they just want to hang out with her or her with them.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? She lives with us, so every day.
3. How many times do they visit you a year? See above.
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? If she lived far away we would probably split the expenses but she'd end up moving with/near us.
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? n/a
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? Depends on who suggested the outing and who comes. Sometimes MIL treats, sometimes we treat, sometimes we split. When other people are involved we split and she pays for herself plus SIL and sometimes others.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? No.
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? Nope although we do subsidize MIL's lifestyle since she's paying way below-market rent.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age?Nada.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? MIL lives with us although she's perfectly healthy. Just not financially savvy and doesn't want to be alone. But she's very helpful, otherwise this situation never would be.

My parents:

Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? No, never. They could never handle it.
2. How many times do you visit them a year? Zero. They live across the country and we can't stay at their house.
3. How many times do they visit you a year? One or two times.
4. If they fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? They do.
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? If they decided they reeaaalllyyyy wanted us to come visit, I'd consider accepting some help from them, but it wouldn't necessarily be a requirement. Depends on the situation.
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? Usually me. Occasionally they pay or split the cost.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? No.
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? Nope.
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age?Nada.
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? I would never let my parents move in with me. I think they will end up in Medicaid facilities. They refuse to discuss future plans so not much I can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? My parents: maybe once or twice during a visit (not local). My in-laws: every time we visit them or they visit us they offer to babysit several times over the course of the visit so...10-15 times a year
2. How many times do you visit them a year? Mine: 2 His: 3-4
3. How many times do they visit you a year? Mine: 3-4 His:10-12 (About once a month but never more than about every 6 weeks)
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? None of us ever fly but if they did fly to visit us they would pay for themselves
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? None of us ever fly but if we did fly to see them we would pay for ourselves
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? My parents always pay when we eat out or go on an outing (though we always offer). With his parents, since we see them more often, we typically alternate who pays but I would guess we wind up paying more often than they do.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? No
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? No
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? Yes, we have discussed it and we would take any/all of them in if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? My parents: maybe once or twice during a visit (not local). My in-laws: every time we visit them or they visit us they offer to babysit several times over the course of the visit so...10-15 times a year
2. How many times do you visit them a year? Mine: 2 His: 3-4
3. How many times do they visit you a year? Mine: 3-4 His:10-12 (About once a month but never more than about every 6 weeks)
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? None of us ever fly but if they did fly to visit us they would pay for themselves
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? None of us ever fly but if we did fly to see them we would pay for ourselves
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? My parents always pay when we eat out or go on an outing (though we always offer). With his parents, since we see them more often, we typically alternate who pays but I would guess we wind up paying more often than they do.
7. Do you borrow money from your parents? No
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? No
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? No
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? Yes, we have discussed it and we would take any/all of them in if needed.

For #3 I meant we never go more than 6 weeks without my in laws coming to visit

[Anonymous]

1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year? A LOT WHEN THEY VISIT. BOTH GRANDMOTHERS HELPED WITH BOTH KIDS WHEN THEY WERE BORN.

2. How many times do you visit them a year? ZERO SINCE HAVING KIDS. THEY LIVE FAR.

3. How many times do they visit you a year? ONCE OR TWICE.

4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you? WE PAY.

5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them? WE WOULD.

6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing? WE DO.

7. Do you borrow money from your parents? NO.

8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses? WE HELP.

9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age? NO, BUT WE SHOULD START THINKING ABOUT THAT.

10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse? IDEALLY, I WOULD MOVE THEM INTO ASSISTED LIVING CLOSE BY.

[Anonymous]

Too long a poll but I will try to summarize. For 4-5 months a year they live a few minutes from us and we see them all the time. They are happy to babysit and my dad is a great chauffeur. During the cold season we see them at Thanksgiving and Christmas and then visit them for a week in the dead of winter in Florida. When we fly we pay but they have a big home next to the beach and they pay for everything. My parents have provided bridge loans on home buying that we have paid back and they are incredibly generous with annual gifts and funding 529 plans. I do worry that they are giving so much to us that they might run out of money but my Dad says that won’t happen. If a problem did arise what I have is theirs because what I have is theirs. We are very, very lucky.

[Anonymous]

1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year?

Sometimes when they come for a visit. This is something they want to do to bond with the kids, not something we ask for.

2. How many times do you visit them a year?

1-3

3. How many times do they visit you a year?

1-2

4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you?

They do

5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them?

We do

6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing?

My mom will pay. My dad will split. DH's parents essentially never go out to a restaurant. I think the one time they did we treated but it was like a gift.

7. Do you borrow money from your parents?

No. But they ate generous and we accept things like contributions to 529s

8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses?

No.

9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age?

No.

10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse?

We would consider taking in dh's mom if she needed it. Maybe my dad. We've discussed but not in depth. That decision would be discussed in great depth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Do they babysit at all for your kids? How many times a year?
2. How many times do you visit them a year?
3. How many times do they visit you a year?
4. If you fly.. Who pays for their plane tickets if they visit you?
5. If you fly.. Who pays for your plane ticket if you visit them?
6. Who general pays if you eat out or do an outing?
7. Do you borrow money from your parents?
8. Do they borrow money from you or do you assist in any of their month to month expenses?
9. Do you have savings benchmarked to care for your parents as they age?
10. Do you plan to take your parents or in laws in as they are aging if they are in a position they can no longer live alone and have your discussed with spouse?

1. MIL? Never. She mocked and disparaged our request to take an infant safety course so she is banned from ever watching them. My parents? 6x? Date nights, usually.
2.3x (MIL birthday, New Year's ish time, one random to visit Gpa)
3. 3-4. Not sure. She likes to text at 11pm the night before and arrive at 7am the following morning, 4h earlier than she initially says she's coming and then insists she stays the following night.
4/5. N/A. It'd be us, though. My parents would if they could.
6. It is an even split with my parents. MIL is 2:1 us paying vs her.
7. No.
8. No, because my parents don't ask for anything but I send them things that I know they'll appreciate anyway. No to ILs.
9. Not yet.
10. It is mutual that we would only take in my parents. MIL wants to move in but too many boundary and personality issues.