Think back to your teen self? Would you be upset?

[Anonymous]

OP,

1) what grade are you in? (trying to figure out how long you will be in the house until graduation, since you don't want to move to your dad's house)

2) Do you have a good enough relationship with your dad that you can discuss this with him?

[Anonymous]

I think i know your stepfather's personality type, and probably your mom's.

I would give your mom a little time on this (a couple of days), and then go back to her and just be really calm but say something like "Mom, I'm worried about where my relationship with step-dad is going. I was really upset that he brought a teen boy into my room where he could see my dirty underwear. That was really embarassing. I felt like he didn't get why I was upset by that and then just got mad at me. I also am really uncomfortable with him sleeping in my bed. I appreciate that you guys pay for the house and most of the stuff in it, and I respect that, but I need to feel my feelings are respected. I really need you to help run interference on this for me. I really want us all to have a good relationship, but right now I'm really feeling hurt and disrespected and I'm afraid it's just going to get worse."

She needs to understand that minimizing it is not helpful, and that she needs to figure out a way to manage it. If your step-dad is a difficult personality, then she might need to find the right time and way to approach him about it. She might have been right that confronting him about it at the time would only make him dig in and make it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you move in with your dad? Your mom is terrible.

My mom isn’t terrible. She’s just given up with him. I think she’s so use to him being difficult she’s given up.

I would have to switch schools if I moved in with my dad and life my school and my friends so don’t want to do that.

Sorry OP but your mom has actually given up on you...not him. She's choosing to keep him happy instead of protecting you. I know that's tough to hear but you're definitely not alone in this scenario. I don't know your mom's backstory (previous marriage, etc.) but it sounds like she prioritizes having a man over everything else.

Sorry.

[Anonymous]

In answer to your question, Op - Yes, I absolutely would have been upset if my parents had invaded my privacy like that and then made humiliating remarks about my personal things. That was not right. Your stepdad is a jerk and your mother is failing you by not stepping in on your behalf.

I think that you should devote your energy into productive things though - your schoolwork, your job, your fitness, your school activities. Your goal and your focus needs to be in getting yourself educated and out of that house. Just think of what a relief that will be.

Now that you know that your stepdad is like this, you can make it a point to keep your room picked up and "show worthy" while you are still in that house. Work hard, Op. Talk to your guidance counselor about college opportunities.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I would be thinking about living with dad. A controlling stepdad and a weak mom are a tough combination. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's not a fair situation. Is there an adult you trust who you can talk to-dad, aunt, older cousin, teacher, counselor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you move in with your dad? Your mom is terrible.

My mom isn’t terrible. She’s just given up with him. I think she’s so use to him being difficult she’s given up.

I would have to switch schools if I moved in with my dad and life my school and my friends so don’t want to do that.

Why? How far away is your dad. Kid commute to HS all the time. You can still stay in your mom's school but stay with your dad.

[Anonymous]

I think you should talk to your mom, and make her understand that other people would not interpret the situation the way that she and your stepdad are interpreting it, and that they would find it creepy. She has to figure out how to make stepdad understand that he went too far, but without losing face with you. So, don't expect him to ever apologize, but I think he needs to be told in a very calm tone that he went too far, and it could backfire if you were to move out or accuse him of anything improper.

I believe you that he isn't a creep, but he just got REALLY carried away, and he needs to understand that you are a young woman and he has to act with more propriety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should talk to your mom, and make her understand that other people would not interpret the situation the way that she and your stepdad are interpreting it, and that they would find it creepy. She has to figure out how to make stepdad understand that he went too far, but without losing face with you. So, don't expect him to ever apologize, but I think he needs to be told in a very calm tone that he went too far, and it could backfire if you were to move out or accuse him of anything improper.

I believe you that he isn't a creep, but he just got REALLY carried away, and he needs to understand that you are a young woman and he has to act with more propriety.

I appreciate the sentiment, pp, but I don't think OP's mom will listen. If she does, great, but OP needs some backup plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 15-year-old girl.

I am a good student. I study. I make great grades. I take life seriously. I work part-time. I save the majority of my income. I’m responsible. I’m not a problem child. I’m your average Sophomore girl.

I live with my mom, stepdad and two younger siblings. Overall my relationship with my family is good. I love both my mom and stepdad but I’d say my stepdad is sometimes unreasonable strict and generally likes to exert his authority over me at any chance. We can butt heads.

I have my own room. Earlier this week I came in to see that some of my stuff isn’t where I left it. I ask me mom and she says she’s not sure, but that my younger siblings had not been in the room. My stepdad told me he came in to show his friend and his friends son (my age!) my room. Why? I recently repainted my room and painted a small mural on one of my walls. My stepdad wanted to show his friend. I felt a little violated, my stuff had been touched. I told him I wished he would have asked me and he got really angry. He stated that it was his house, and he paid for it so every room is his and he can go in as he pleases. I got upset to, and said I felt violated and embarrassed and he made a joke at my expense claiming I had left some of my dietary clothes (including underwear and a few bras) on my floor and how my dads friends son had seen them and they all laughed. I feel humiliated. I got extremely upset and he laughed at me. My mom tried to mediate but she usually sided with him. I feel like it’s my only safe space and if he had asked I would have made it more presentable. I was not comfortable with the idea that a man and a teen boy I’m frankly not comfortable with were in my room, clearly touching my stuff. Yes, many of the items in the room I paid for myself.

Well, I thought we had gotten over it even though I was still upset but I got home from practice today and my bed was unmade and stunk. I started crying and my stepdad said he napped in my bed because “he bought it, he owns it.” This makes me uncomfortable and feel unsafe in my home.

My dad is extremely upset. My mom says I’m overreacting.

Before I make this a bigger deal, would you do this to your child/stepchild?

Not overreacting. And your mom is under-reacting. This is a huge violation of privacy. And he is upping things by now trying to humiliate you.

If you have the option, I'd consider going to live with your dad. I'm serious.

[Anonymous]

OP,

This is classic controlling and abusive behavior on the part of your stepfather. He humiliates you to better feel his power and influence over you, and probably does the same thing, perhaps in a more subdued way (or not), with everyone who is dependent on him. He may or may not be aware of WHY he does this. Most people don't take the time to parse and understand their inner motivations.

I would sit down and talk with both adults, to say that these constant put-downs and humiliations are unacceptable behaviors and that every time your stepfather does this, you lose a little bit more respect for him. Your mother should defend you to the best of her ability, however she may be dependent on him too and/or brainwashed.

Above all, don't let him get to you. Stay calm, don't cry, put up a neutral front at all times. If your father has a cruel streak, he will enjoy seeing you get emotional.

In a few years, you will be well shot of him.

[Anonymous]

Meant stepfather above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should talk to your mom, and make her understand that other people would not interpret the situation the way that she and your stepdad are interpreting it, and that they would find it creepy. She has to figure out how to make stepdad understand that he went too far, but without losing face with you. So, don't expect him to ever apologize, but I think he needs to be told in a very calm tone that he went too far, and it could backfire if you were to move out or accuse him of anything improper.

I believe you that he isn't a creep, but he just got REALLY carried away, and he needs to understand that you are a young woman and he has to act with more propriety.

I appreciate the sentiment, pp, but I don't think OP's mom will listen. If she does, great, but OP needs some backup plans.

Agree. These 2 adults are broken people if they can not see how damaging their behavior is. Op is "just a kid" who is living in the stepdad's house and is more or less a possession in his mind - a subservient under his control. The mom is probably not ranked much higher than Op is.

Op can love her parents while recognizing that they are very flawed human beings who likely had a rough upbringing themselves. If moving to her Dad's house is not an option, then Op needs to put her energy and attention into her own self betterment so that she can get the hell out of that house.

[Anonymous]

You have every right to be upset.

Is there a possibility of living with your father?

If not, you will have to work out how best to get through the next few years until you can move out. I agree that talking with an outside adult, e.g. the school counselor, is a good idea.

I am sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

OP- I'm sorry. Your stepdad is a controlling jerk. Unfortunately for you, I think anytime you complain, he will just continue to amp up his controlling behavior (sleeping in your bed just to show you who's boss).
And your mom, who should be intervening, is not doing her job.

For the next 3 years, to keep the peace (and protect yourself) just try to bite your tongue and steer as clear of him as you can, and don't upset him. You don't want him withholding your college tuition or anything else you need. Then go to college, be a super success, and you won't need him or his resources anymore.

If he does anything inappropriate or that makes you feel unsafe, tell your counselor at school or trusted relatives (grandparents, dad, aunts, etc). Just focus on protecting yourself and your future

[Anonymous]

Your step dad is an asshole. He slept in the bed to piss you off. A power trip

This. He's weird. He's very very weird. You are not going to change the fact that he is weird. But you need to be safe. What you need to do is *survive this* SAFELY until you are out of the house.