Adopting after secondary infertility

[Anonymous]

Note: I am also not a fan our the US system, which puts children's needs second to family preservation.

A child's first years are absolutely fundamental to developing emotionally, psychologically and intellectually. If their mother is chronically drug addicted, or in an abusive relationship, she certainly deserves help. But I don't think the infant/toddler should spend their critical years in some insecure limbo while the mother tries and fails to get well. It is just too damaging. Why should two lives be ruined instead of one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No. Most families who adopt infants create the trauma by creating the insanely profitable market for infant adoptions. You are deluding yourself by thinking that there are orphanages filled with healthy infants waiting for second chances because they have parents who don’t want to parent them. That’s not how it works in domestic infant adoption.

Adoption counselors coerce vulnerable women into believing that they best way they can love their babies is to give them to a wealthier family to raise. They teach young mothers that wanting to parent when you are poor or sick or lack a lot of family support is sefish. The industry CREATES trauma, trauma that can last generations.

How dare you? Seriously, HOW DARE YOU? Who do you think you are to sit in your little home so smugly deciding why women choose to place their children for adoption and try to take that option away from them? Must a woman leave her infant at a firehouse so he can be placed into the foster system for a few years before YOU decide that it's appropriate for him to have a family who loves him? If you convinced every family not to adopt, there would be more abortions. And I'm pro-choice, so it is fine with me if a woman chooses an abortion. But if a woman does not want to abort and does not feel that she can parent, she can choose adoption and I HATE people like you who are trying to take that choice away from them. You are not doing these women or the children any favors. YES, let's support the women who want to parent but need financial and other support, absolutely. YES, let's make the adoption industry as open and transparent and ethical as possible. But you are a condescending jerk who thinks you know every woman's mind and what she really wants to do and wants to take away her options, all under the guise of what's really better for everybody, because, somehow you know the answer to that. People like this just make me sick, they really do. OP, do your homework. Domestic infant adoptions absolutely can be ethical and also there are ways to make it affordable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No. Most families who adopt infants create the trauma by creating the insanely profitable market for infant adoptions. You are deluding yourself by thinking that there are orphanages filled with healthy infants waiting for second chances because they have parents who don’t want to parent them. That’s not how it works in domestic infant adoption.

Adoption counselors coerce vulnerable women into believing that they best way they can love their babies is to give them to a wealthier family to raise. They teach young mothers that wanting to parent when you are poor or sick or lack a lot of family support is sefish. The industry CREATES trauma, trauma that can last generations.

How dare you? Seriously, HOW DARE YOU? Who do you think you are to sit in your little home so smugly deciding why women choose to place their children for adoption and try to take that option away from them? Must a woman leave her infant at a firehouse so he can be placed into the foster system for a few years before YOU decide that it's appropriate for him to have a family who loves him? If you convinced every family not to adopt, there would be more abortions. And I'm pro-choice, so it is fine with me if a woman chooses an abortion. But if a woman does not want to abort and does not feel that she can parent, she can choose adoption and I HATE people like you who are trying to take that choice away from them. You are not doing these women or the children any favors. YES, let's support the women who want to parent but need financial and other support, absolutely. YES, let's make the adoption industry as open and transparent and ethical as possible. But you are a condescending jerk who thinks you know every woman's mind and what she really wants to do and wants to take away her options, all under the guise of what's really better for everybody, because, somehow you know the answer to that. People like this just make me sick, they really do. OP, do your homework. Domestic infant adoptions absolutely can be ethical and also there are ways to make it affordable.

+1. Seriously, WTF? Blame shady adoption lawyers and agencies, crisis pregnancy centers, lawmakers that cut funding to social services, and whomever else is creating the system that enables predatory adoption counselors to coerce women. Why on earth would you blame the families that likely have been through years of trauma and loss themselves, and have turned to adoption because they want to give a baby a loving family? They're being fed lies and taken advantage of the same as the women that place their children for adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No. Most families who adopt infants create the trauma by creating the insanely profitable market for infant adoptions. You are deluding yourself by thinking that there are orphanages filled with healthy infants waiting for second chances because they have parents who don’t want to parent them. That’s not how it works in domestic infant adoption.

Adoption counselors coerce vulnerable women into believing that they best way they can love their babies is to give them to a wealthier family to raise. They teach young mothers that wanting to parent when you are poor or sick or lack a lot of family support is sefish. The industry CREATES trauma, trauma that can last generations.

How dare you? Seriously, HOW DARE YOU? Who do you think you are to sit in your little home so smugly deciding why women choose to place their children for adoption and try to take that option away from them? Must a woman leave her infant at a firehouse so he can be placed into the foster system for a few years before YOU decide that it's appropriate for him to have a family who loves him? If you convinced every family not to adopt, there would be more abortions. And I'm pro-choice, so it is fine with me if a woman chooses an abortion. But if a woman does not want to abort and does not feel that she can parent, she can choose adoption and I HATE people like you who are trying to take that choice away from them. You are not doing these women or the children any favors. YES, let's support the women who want to parent but need financial and other support, absolutely. YES, let's make the adoption industry as open and transparent and ethical as possible. But you are a condescending jerk who thinks you know every woman's mind and what she really wants to do and wants to take away her options, all under the guise of what's really better for everybody, because, somehow you know the answer to that. People like this just make me sick, they really do. OP, do your homework. Domestic infant adoptions absolutely can be ethical and also there are ways to make it affordable.

+1. Seriously, WTF? Blame shady adoption lawyers and agencies, crisis pregnancy centers, lawmakers that cut funding to social services, and whomever else is creating the system that enables predatory adoption counselors to coerce women. Why on earth would you blame the families that likely have been through years of trauma and loss themselves, and have turned to adoption because they want to give a baby a loving family? They're being fed lies and taken advantage of the same as the women that place their children for adoption.

If you are adopting due to your own trauma or the child is a replacement child for the biological child you could not have, just don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No. Most families who adopt infants create the trauma by creating the insanely profitable market for infant adoptions. You are deluding yourself by thinking that there are orphanages filled with healthy infants waiting for second chances because they have parents who don’t want to parent them. That’s not how it works in domestic infant adoption.

Adoption counselors coerce vulnerable women into believing that they best way they can love their babies is to give them to a wealthier family to raise. They teach young mothers that wanting to parent when you are poor or sick or lack a lot of family support is sefish. The industry CREATES trauma, trauma that can last generations.

How dare you? Seriously, HOW DARE YOU? Who do you think you are to sit in your little home so smugly deciding why women choose to place their children for adoption and try to take that option away from them? Must a woman leave her infant at a firehouse so he can be placed into the foster system for a few years before YOU decide that it's appropriate for him to have a family who loves him? If you convinced every family not to adopt, there would be more abortions. And I'm pro-choice, so it is fine with me if a woman chooses an abortion. But if a woman does not want to abort and does not feel that she can parent, she can choose adoption and I HATE people like you who are trying to take that choice away from them. You are not doing these women or the children any favors. YES, let's support the women who want to parent but need financial and other support, absolutely. YES, let's make the adoption industry as open and transparent and ethical as possible. But you are a condescending jerk who thinks you know every woman's mind and what she really wants to do and wants to take away her options, all under the guise of what's really better for everybody, because, somehow you know the answer to that. People like this just make me sick, they really do. OP, do your homework. Domestic infant adoptions absolutely can be ethical and also there are ways to make it affordable.

+1. Seriously, WTF? Blame shady adoption lawyers and agencies, crisis pregnancy centers, lawmakers that cut funding to social services, and whomever else is creating the system that enables predatory adoption counselors to coerce women. Why on earth would you blame the families that likely have been through years of trauma and loss themselves, and have turned to adoption because they want to give a baby a loving family? They're being fed lies and taken advantage of the same as the women that place their children for adoption.

If you are adopting due to your own trauma or the child is a replacement child for the biological child you could not have, just don’t.

You are no one to judge.

[Anonymous]

They are not trying to replace their biological child.

They want to parent, and this is a path open to them.

You are very screwed up. I hope you have no children, via any route. But I am sorry about whatever has happened to you,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are not trying to replace their biological child.

They want to parent, and this is a path open to them.

You are very screwed up. I hope you have no children, via any route. But I am sorry about whatever has happened to you,

We adopted. We have a very happy child. It’s clear who adopts for what reason and kids know if they are replacements.

[Anonymous]

Is there a for profit adoption industry? Yes of course there is, but there are also plenty of women out there that simply aren't ready to parent the children they give birth to. It's very arrogant to assume that parenting and reunification is best for all women. Some women will never be good parents no matter how many resources you provide them. Assuming that providing financial resources to people will solve all of their issues is ridiculous.

I adopted my son through a semi-family member (his birth mother is the mother of my cousin's child). His BM was a teenager on her 3rd child. The 1st was/is being raised by another relative, she had the 2nd in her custody (later removed due to neglect and parental misconduct) and her 3rd child was my son.

Shortly after my son's birth she went on to commit a crime that caused her to be incarcerated. Now, she has been released and has yet another child that she is apparently parenting well. But, if she had kept a hold of all 3 of the previous children, what situation would they have found themselves in?

Adoption is a blessing. My son knows his biological siblings, has met his biological mother, grandfather and great-grandmother. Good luck OP, I hope you find a solution that works for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom living in DC, and I was able to adopt a healthy baby through domestic adoption. The process took only about nine months (from starting the homestudy to the baby's arrival). The birth parents were poor, but they certainly didn't sell their child. I did pay for some of their living expenses, but only for a few months.

Good luck to you, and I hope the process goes smoothly and quickly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You obviously have issues. When I adopted my child, internationally (see, your biases are not always correct), the country DID have orphanages full of babies who had been left in public by their families. The families did so for social and economic reasons. They were UNKNOWN.

Sorry that YOU were traumatized somewhere along the way. But the people I met in my adoption journey were not RICH or greedy, they cared deeply about ensuring that these children got safe, loving homes. I saw that happen over and over again.

(Note: private adoptions can be very shady, I agree. Particularly those in poor parts of South America. I encourage all potential adoptive parents to work with ESTABLISHED adoption agencies rather than private attorneys.)

There are a lot of unethical practices in international adoptions. If you don't realize this, you are naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You obviously have issues. When I adopted my child, internationally (see, your biases are not always correct), the country DID have orphanages full of babies who had been left in public by their families. The families did so for social and economic reasons. They were UNKNOWN.

Sorry that YOU were traumatized somewhere along the way. But the people I met in my adoption journey were not RICH or greedy, they cared deeply about ensuring that these children got safe, loving homes. I saw that happen over and over again.

(Note: private adoptions can be very shady, I agree. Particularly those in poor parts of South America. I encourage all potential adoptive parents to work with ESTABLISHED adoption agencies rather than private attorneys.)

There are a lot of unethical practices in international adoptions. If you don't realize this, you are naive.

+1, established agencies can be extremely shady too. Adoption is about making money now, its all for profit. You adopt for your own needs, not the kids. More people than not I met when we adopted would do anything, say anything and pay anything to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Not what you asked, by my parents adopted because my mom couldn't get pregnant. They applied through an adoption agency after going through....I don't know what process....and then got pregnant (I know that this is not typical). They were concerned about miscarrying initially and had a few close calls, and still wanted to adopt because they wanted more than one kid so never rescinded their application to adopt. They ended up adopting my 3mo brother when mom was 6 months pregnant, and so my older brother is 6mo older than I am. We also have a brother 2.5 years younger than me.

All of us are adults now, and have what I think are pretty typical sibling relationships. I love my brothers, can't imagine not having them, and they are very close to my parents.

My brothers were adopted internationally, because of adoption laws in our home state at the time (I'm in my mid-30s, this was a LONG time ago and those laws have changed). I suggest looking into all of your options before making a decision. Gathering information, looking into domestic/private/foster-adopt/international doesn't commit you to anything, it just informs your eventual decision.

[Anonymous]

OP have you completely ruled out international adoption? We are adopting from Korea because it is a toddler adoption. Most kids have mild needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had experience with this? We're about to throw in the towel on treatment and love the idea of adopting, but are scared about the details, especially since we have an older child to consider. Did you decide for or against adoption after infertility (especially secondary infertility)? Could you share your experiences either way?

Adoption is trauma. What do you love about the idea?

Go away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom living in DC, and I was able to adopt a healthy baby through domestic adoption. The process took only about nine months (from starting the homestudy to the baby's arrival). The birth parents were poor, but they certainly didn't sell their child. I did pay for some of their living expenses, but only for a few months.

Good luck to you, and I hope the process goes smoothly and quickly!

Similar story here. I am in MD and single. Birth mom actually refused expenses be paid for her. This was 6 years ago this week. I was also 46 at the time and feel thankful everyday that my adoption was “easy” compared to others.