Switching to part-time work vs getting nanny/au pair/more childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the h*ll do women even have kids anymore? No one is actually interested in being a mother. That includes shopping with your kids, et al. I treasured that time with my mom when i was growing up. I hated it when she went back to work (part-time) when i was 10.

I am a single mom so I have to work full-time (teacher, including teaching summer school plus tutoring). But if I had a supplementary income from a partner or trust fund or whatever, I would indeed work part-time and spend more time with my daughter. I spent so much of my life getting 2 advanced degrees that i waited til i was 40 to become a mom. I want every possible minute with her.

NP here. Not all of us are in industries where PT work is possible unfortunately. It’s either all or nothing. And “nothing” for a few years means you’ll never really get back in. I’d rather stay in FT and fight tooth and nail for flexibility and hire out the boring stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.

This does sound nice in some ways, although how are kids going to learn to be independent adults if they never see their parents do any errands or cleaning or cooking or laundry or anything?

+1 Family time isn't all quality time and bingo nights and reading by the fire together. Odds are your own kids will be expected to be equal spouses one day who can manage chores with his/her spouse, beyond supervising a house manager.

Kids do need to see adults resolving conflicts, price checking the cereal options at the store, menu planning, unclogging the drain and doing the routine less exciting parts of regular life.

Our kids see both my husband and I cook meals. Both my husband and I take care of the dogs. Both my husband and I fix things around the house. We don't price check food cereal but we're fortunate enough not to have to do so. Our kids get allowances and we talk about money and what things cost, but you're coming up with very specific items that you think need to be done, and I don't think that's the way the world works. If it makes you feel superior to think that people who have nannies who also help with household items are out of touch with reality, then ok. But that isn't the case, either for us or our many friends who have the same arrangement.

No one is feeling superior, but I think the flippant "kids don't derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift" needed to be challenged because actually yes, it's important for kids to see adults doing the everyday needed jobs and not to think birthday gifts just appear without any labor.

This is especially important for our sons, they can't just assume someone (often female, often under appreciated) will be doing these things behind the scenes for their behalf.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this should go under Jobs or Parenting or Special Needs. My DH and I both work full time but for the last few years I have been wanting to find a part-time job. Partly this is bc my older daughter has special needs and there are a couple of kinds of therapy we should be doing that we just aren’t bc we don’t have time to take her to more appointments.

Also I feel like I don’t see my kids enough—we don’t usually get home until 6 or so, and it’s kind of a mad rush to just microwave leftovers, eat, maybe do a tiny bit of homework or piano practice, a bit of play, non-daily baths, reading before bed. They go to bed at 8:30 but really more like 9, when it should be 8 or so—my younger daughter could certainly use more sleep. (Kids are 9 and 6.)

I asked my boss if I could work part time and she said no—we aren’t really structured that way, nobody else does it, she thinks I would end up working the same amount for less money. I appreciated her honesty anyway. I have done some preliminary searching for a PT job but they are not easy to find. I would not want to stop working altogether bc my career is important to me. Also we could technically afford it on just my husband’s salary but things would be tight and we wouldn’t save enough.

What I am wondering is whether we should think about getting a nanny or au pair or other child care solution to bring my son to appointments and maybe pick up the kids earlier from school to get them home. This could solve my issue w the appointments, and maybe at least somewhat help w the nighttime craziness bc I could leave directly from work and be home by 5 or 5:30, or maybe even earlier if I shifted my schedule earlier, and have a little more time to spend w them.

OTOH I don’t like the idea of an au pair living with us. And i think if I could design my ideal world there would not be such pressure to work FT or potential career consequences for going PT. And I just do want to spend more time w them when they’re growing up.

I’m curious to hear from others who have struggled with this about what you’ve done and how it has turned out.

Three pages in, and while other posters have spoken about equality within the household I haven't seen any mention of what your husband could do to step up in this situation - can he ask for a flexible schedule or work from home or could he more likely go part-time and then ramp back up? With a special needs child and a need for two incomes, this shouldn't all be on you.

[Anonymous]

Can you leave the office earlier and do another hour from home after bedtime? That's what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the h*ll do women even have kids anymore? No one is actually interested in being a mother. That includes shopping with your kids, et al. I treasured that time with my mom when i was growing up. I hated it when she went back to work (part-time) when i was 10.

I am a single mom so I have to work full-time (teacher, including teaching summer school plus tutoring). But if I had a supplementary income from a partner or trust fund or whatever, I would indeed work part-time and spend more time with my daughter. I spent so much of my life getting 2 advanced degrees that i waited til i was 40 to become a mom. I want every possible minute with her.

You're an ass. But you know that. Spending time running to the grocery store or doing other errands has nothing to do with being a mother. I doubt any of the PPs who commented that they had nannies or house managers live like the royals who saw their kids only at appointed times. But again, you know that. So go ahead and pat yourself on the back for being so much better than everyone else. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

I went part time and don’t regret it. We bought smaller and further out to make the numbers work. I remember really needing to talk with my mom after school some days and I wanted to give my kids that. I spend a lot of seemingly menial time with my kids but that’s when the magic happens.

I looked for a job with excellent flexibility and changed careers to make it work. I missed my old career less than I thought I would. Most of my heart and energy goes to my kids now, if that makes sense. If I was still full time i’d def be flailing. Don’t get me wrong they exhaust and annoy me often! It’s much harder and more frustrating than my ‘job.’ But it means more to me than anything else in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you leave the office earlier and do another hour from home after bedtime? That's what I do.

NP here and I do this too, oftentimes 2 hours earlier. DH as well when he can. And we hire plenty of help because running errands and scrubbing toilets together is a lot less fun than going to the playground or snuggling up and reading a book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, nothing is better than a nanny/house manager. Our former nanny moved into a house manager role when youngest started school. She took care of all ordering, groceries, handled kids’ lessons and outside classes, did the kids laundry, prepped food for dinner and made the kids lunches, drove them everywhere - she end kept track of birthday parties and got the gifts and wrapped them!

The ease and relaxation this woman brought to our lives made us better parents. Evenings were stress free (nanny helped the kids with homework!) and weekends were virtually free of errands so we could devote our full attention to the kids.

The previous poster is nuts. Kids don’t derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift before a party.

+1000!

Now that our kids are in elementary, our nanny is also a house manager/my assistant. She gets so much stuff done for us so that when we're at home, we're spending all our time just hanging out as a family. We don't have to worry about errands, etc. It is SO nice.

This does sound nice in some ways, although how are kids going to learn to be independent adults if they never see their parents do any errands or cleaning or cooking or laundry or anything?

+1 Family time isn't all quality time and bingo nights and reading by the fire together. Odds are your own kids will be expected to be equal spouses one day who can manage chores with his/her spouse, beyond supervising a house manager.

Kids do need to see adults resolving conflicts, price checking the cereal options at the store, menu planning, unclogging the drain and doing the routine less exciting parts of regular life.

Our kids see both my husband and I cook meals. Both my husband and I take care of the dogs. Both my husband and I fix things around the house. We don't price check food cereal but we're fortunate enough not to have to do so. Our kids get allowances and we talk about money and what things cost, but you're coming up with very specific items that you think need to be done, and I don't think that's the way the world works. If it makes you feel superior to think that people who have nannies who also help with household items are out of touch with reality, then ok. But that isn't the case, either for us or our many friends who have the same arrangement.

No one is feeling superior, but I think the flippant "kids don't derive any benefit from watching a mother go to Costco and rushing to get a birthday gift" needed to be challenged because actually yes, it's important for kids to see adults doing the everyday needed jobs and not to think birthday gifts just appear without any labor.

This is especially important for our sons, they can't just assume someone (often female, often under appreciated) will be doing these things behind the scenes for their behalf.

This is absolutely true. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Agree with the poster who said no one interested in being a mom anymore. You all just want to impress people at parties by talking about some stupid job.

Stop giving birth if you don't intend to spend the majority of your time being a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the h*ll do women even have kids anymore? No one is actually interested in being a mother. That includes shopping with your kids, et al. I treasured that time with my mom when i was growing up. I hated it when she went back to work (part-time) when i was 10.

I am a single mom so I have to work full-time (teacher, including teaching summer school plus tutoring). But if I had a supplementary income from a partner or trust fund or whatever, I would indeed work part-time and spend more time with my daughter. I spent so much of my life getting 2 advanced degrees that i waited til i was 40 to become a mom. I want every possible minute with her.

You're an ass. But you know that. Spending time running to the grocery store or doing other errands has nothing to do with being a mother. I doubt any of the PPs who commented that they had nannies or house managers live like the royals who saw their kids only at appointed times. But again, you know that. So go ahead and pat yourself on the back for being so much better than everyone else. Honestly.

The guilt is finally setting in on you. You are no mother. Find a new job that lets you go part-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the h*ll do women even have kids anymore? No one is actually interested in being a mother. That includes shopping with your kids, et al. I treasured that time with my mom when i was growing up. I hated it when she went back to work (part-time) when i was 10.

I am a single mom so I have to work full-time (teacher, including teaching summer school plus tutoring). But if I had a supplementary income from a partner or trust fund or whatever, I would indeed work part-time and spend more time with my daughter. I spent so much of my life getting 2 advanced degrees that i waited til i was 40 to become a mom. I want every possible minute with her.

You're an ass. But you know that. Spending time running to the grocery store or doing other errands has nothing to do with being a mother. I doubt any of the PPs who commented that they had nannies or house managers live like the royals who saw their kids only at appointed times. But again, you know that. So go ahead and pat yourself on the back for being so much better than everyone else. Honestly.

The guilt is finally setting in on you. You are no mother. Find a new job that lets you go part-time.

Actually, I’m a stay at home mom. But people like you who shoot down working moms make me sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the poster who said no one interested in being a mom anymore. You all just want to impress people at parties by talking about some stupid job.

Stop giving birth if you don't intend to spend the majority of your time being a mom.

Do we get to tell dads to stop impregnating their wives if they don't want to be a dad? And does being a dad mean quit their jobs or move to part time so they can be home with the kids all the time and go shopping for birthday gifts?

Oh no, dad can have a job with inflexible hours that requires travel because dad is making the money while the mom is suppose to be at home because we totally live in the world of My Two Sons or Leave it to Beaver.

[Anonymous]

The point is someone has got to be the primary parent-- which means one parent should only work part-time. Some parents on this board seem to see their kids 1-2 hours a day. And that includes when the nanny is getting them ready for bed!

[Anonymous]

Two jobs and zero help just doesn't work! I am not in mommy wars here. I am a FT working mom, and I outsource everything I can afford to outsource (housecleaner, grocery deliveries) and it still does not work.

Families find solutions -- like nanny/house manager, or PT work, or SAH, and NONE of them are bad models. None of them! Because guess what, aren't our children going to have to deal with same? Unless something drastically changed, they will contend with same problems with no perfect solutions. They make make different choices but they will have seen the struggle for sure.

[Anonymous]

They *might make* different choices