Venting, really struggling with my kids lately.
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Anonymous
| Are you a SAHM? If so, it sounds like it’s not for you. It’s ok, it’s not for everyone and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, and I mean this nicely, don’t have any more kids. |
Anonymous
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How are you doing today OP? It sounds like your not depressed, which is great, but that doesn't mean you're not anxious. Might be worth an evaluation, or just mention to your primary care physician and see what he or she recommends.
I think you might consider setting some rules with very specific consequences, particularly with your 8 year old and cleaning up. Nagging is draining for everyone. This may solve your house cleaning problem too 
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Anonymous
Not the OP, but I don't think you really mean any of this nicely. |
Anonymous
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Hugs. Mine are 9,7,2 and I get it. The 2 yr old in the mix REALLY upsets the apple cart when all three are home all day. I think the chaos you described, at least occasionally, is common in households with three kids where one is a toddler. I’ve been sending my older kids to summer camp, sometimes together, sometimes separately, so I can get some more individual time with each of them.
My older kids have been interested in projects and my oldest particularly likes organizing so I’ve been having her help with things I can’t seem to get done. Giving her more independent tasks to accomplish results in less fights with middle sibling and helps me get my house in order. P.s. I pay her a couple dollars if it is a larger project and that is a huge motivator. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP, there’s a lot of good advice here already, but I just wanted to touch upon what you said about your 8yo. It’s not “too late” to teach her anything! She is clearly manipulating you and you need to step up. My mom used to say it’s “too late” to teach my sister [fill in the blank]. She manipulated my mom all the time although she deeply loved her too. She grew up to be an obnoxious brat of an adult.
Time for some tough love. Stay strong! |
Anonymous
I did, but it doesn’t matter. The OP’s situation is of her own making and easily solvable, by using daycare and not having any more kids. There is no reason to be an unhappy SAHM. |
Anonymous
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I feel you, OP. I had too much solo time with my kids in the past week and was just beyond fed up with them yesterday (almost 5 and 8.) I'll throw this out there in case it helps: I made my younger one a behavior chart (we've done this for him at school) and am considering doing it for my daughter as well. Feeling mad for grousing about the same behaviors over and over without any change occurring, I was really specific about the things I want him to work on ("when someone asks you to do something, listen, do it right away, and don't complain.") He can get 0, 1, or 2 stars in each category for the day, and the right total # equals gum that night (he loves gum.) Already today, I got to applaud him for doing well at the one I mentioned above while having him write a 0 for kicking his sister during a game. I think he is invested in his progress and becoming more aware of his behavior.
Am I happy that it's because of the gum bribe? No; part of the problem is that he only sees the consequences for things when he loses a privilege. Am I looking forward to asking him to put his pajamas on and NOT running facedown onto his bed? That would be a yes. Your 8-year-old could even create some of the categories for herself (3-5 is plenty) and name rewards or consequences. No need for it to be complex--we've done gum; we've said that 3 weeks of 6 or more stars equals a small Lego toy. I am sure people will rush in and declare this Draconian, so fine. But I find it helpful to identify for myself what's driving me bananas and to make it specific for the kid so we can all contribute to the progress. Whatever you do, good luck!! You are really not alone. |
Anonymous
+1 You seem to know that she doesn't listen and is manipulating you with her emotional outbursts, but you're not doing anything about it. So how do you expect anything to improve without boundaries or discipline? |
Anonymous
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Hey, I have tweens and teenagers and my house is messy, too! It's called summer break. They're spending more time at home. This too shall pass in a few weeks. Just take care of the basics for the next few weeks. You are wasting your time deep cleaning (3 hours, really??) your home.
Instead, go do something with your children out of the house! This does not have to be expensive. Pack a picnic lunch, a blanket and go to a nice playground and set up under a tree. Take them to a spray ground (those are usually free). Look online for free library activities for kids under 10. Look for movie theaters playing $2 per person matinees for kids 10 and under (old movies, but kids LOVE going to the theater. It's an experience!) Take them to a rec center to swim (yes, you will have to get in the water with them but they will love you for it). Make it a routine. Tomorrow, we will go do ____ in the morning/afternoon. It gives them something to look forward to, and you can use it as leverage for better behavior. I would tell my kids they had to make their beds and get the floors of their rooms tidy before we leave, or we're not going. You have more leverage than you think you do. Do these things now, because in a few years adoloesence will set in and they won't want to do these things anymore. These are precious days that disappear. |
Anonymous
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Middle school-aged mother's helper?
A friend of mine hired a neighbor kid to come over sometimes. The kid would watch the children or help with laundry and stuff. It was a godsend, apparently. |
Anonymous
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Nanny here.
1) The best way to keep an orderly house is to own less stuff. The second way is to keep most of your stuff off limits most of the time. Clothes: each kid need 7 T-shirts or dresses and 7 sets of shorts for warm months. If you have substantially more than that (more that 10 of each per kid) cull. You can have a few extra “nice” clothes, but that’s about it. Toys: odds are your kids play with the same handful of things 80% of the time anyway (right now for my charges it is magnatiles, matchbox cars and scooters). Keep those out along with one other thing, but put everything else in bins in the closet. Put a lock on this closet. Rotate which one other thing you have out every few days. This enables you to 1) limit how big the mess can get on a normal day and 2) keep toys from cross-pollinating where you can’t find all the pieces to something. Random kid flotsam: Given each kid a special “treasure box” where they can keep items that don’t otherwise have a home (Happy Meal Toys, prizes from the dentist, acorns, shiny rocks, etc.). When the box won’t shut then it is time to toss some stuff. 2) For the toddler: take all the toys out of the room. Install child locks on the dresser (make sure the dresser is bolted to the wall btw). Put a baby lock on the door handle or put a baby gate in the door or lock the door from the outside (and use a video monitor). But you have to remove any way for the toddler to keep herself awake. Sensory deprivation and a solid bedtime routine and she will figure it out. 3) Routine: Leave the house for as much of the day as you can. I pack breakfast AND lunch the night before and go to the park from 8:00-10:00 am. Then we have a snack and go somewhere indoors (library, bowling, museum, art gallery, paint your own pottery, etc). Or we run an errand (grocery or target) or we go someplace they can be wet (pool, splash pad). We get home at 1:00 and put the youngest down for nap. The older two take turns having a rest and having one-on-one time. So during a 90 minute nap for the baby, first I take a 20-minute nap myself while the older two watch a video. Then 4yo has 30 minutes of quiet time laying in bed with a stack of books and some stuffed animals while 7 yo and I read together. Then they switch for another 30 minutes. Then the baby gets up and it is about 3:00. We have a snack and they do free play for 60-90 minutes. At the end of that time, they have 20 minutes to clean up. This is totally reasonable given that they have at max 3 different toys out. I come in and help the toddler clean up whatever he is doing, then I let the other two do it themselves. If they fail to clean up those toys are gone for 3 days. Since they have limited toys this is a pretty big threat. I don’t nag, just set the timer and let them figure it out. They help set the table and we do dinner/bath/bed and I circle back to load all the day’s dishes in the DW and wipe down the kitchen. |
Anonymous
Can I hire you?? |
Anonymous
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I haven't read the other responses so I apologize if these are repeats.
1. I would get rid of 1/3 of the stuff in the house. In the kids' bedrooms, in the living room, in the playroom, in your bedroom, etc. that's probably why after 3 hours of cleaning the house it doesn't look good, it's messy because there are is too much stuff. You don't need to throw it away - you could just put it in storage boxes in the basement (buy 25-30 of HUGE plastic boxes with lids that fit tight and stack) and you can bring things back if they are really missed, or you can rotate stuff. Don't take the favorite toys, but honestly, we don't need 15 types of manipulatives in a household of 3. And nobody needs 25 stuffed animals in their room - they keep 4 and you put the 21 in a box in the basement. If they really NEED the blue stuffed elephant they can put another one in the box, take the elephant. In 6 months you can donate it all to goodwill if nobody misses the stuff. Or you'll know what they NEED to have in their house and donate the rest. 2. Everyone needs to clean things up. Even 2 year old, and for sure 4 and 8 year old. Perhaps the 8 year old is being manipulative - that is something many children do - it's like yelling squirrel and pointing - gets us to look at and focus on something else and we forget what we were originally focusing on. ("let's clean up your bedroom" Oh, Mom, youknow what? I was hoping I could take violin lessons nexzt year - can we talk about it? And then we do and we forget 30 minutes later about the cleaning up of bedroom. Sound familiar? Yeah, many of us have done it! 
ALSO, many preschool behavior specialists will say that a child will misbehave to get the focus on something else than the thing that is hard for them. Don't want (or feel overwhelmed with) cleaning? Tantrum, gets the focus on my behavior, cleaning up never happens. Ta Da, problem solved! Instead of "please clean this whole big mess up" try: "8 yr old, you put all the legos away in this box. 4 year old, you put all the stuffed animals on the couch. 2 year old, let's put the magnet blocks in this box." And you help right along with them, guiding and directing the clean up. Again, if there are 10 boxes of manipulatives available and they are all dumped and comingled, it will be harder to clean up so.... only 5 boxes and the other 5 in basement to be switched out when these are old and boring. Frankly, if your 8 year old reacts to that with screaming and dramatics, et al they can go to their room and come out when calmed down and the legos will be right there when she comes back. And if she screams at that, she can march herself back to her room and stay there until calm. AND that means because of all that, she won't be able to have the popsicles that the other 2 enjoyed after the cleanup was done. AND when she eventually does clean up, she still doesn't get a popsicle because she missed out on Popsicle time - it's not a reward for cleaning it's "there was a time (at 2pm) for popsicles. Now it's 3 pm, it's not popsicle time anymore. If you want popsicles, you need to clean with the rest of us." If you do this: 1)give her structure around cleaning up - (its really hard to look at a room that is really messy and know where to start) and 2) you follow through on sending her to her room to calm down vs. giving her attention for her outburts AND you have the tings waiting to be cleaned up when she comes back so she still cleans up AND she misses the fun thing (tv time, popsicles, reading before bed, whatever) due to her wasting of time with outbursts FOR TWO WEEKS AND she still hasn't learned that screaming and dramatics won't get her anywhere, then I would consider she needs more help. But I have a feeling that she knows she can distract you because you will talk about her feelings, focus on the feelings and drama and she's got you where she wants you - NOT making her clean up. I wouldn't do this with a 4 and 2 year old, but an 8 yr old? She's older, she ought to be able to do all this without do much direction so it's long past time for her to learn. Also, they all need to be OUTSIDE a lot more - but it's SO HOT HERE that it makes it hard. But I'd have them splashing in the wading pool and running in the sprinkler at 9am for 1 hour every morning. And then perhaps at 3pm again - keep cool, get outside, use up your energy, exhaust and tire everyone out, etc. |
Anonymous
Are you a SAHM? If so then you're a liar if you're saying you never have days like his. Are you a WOHM? If so, do you never ever complain about your own job? Either way you're being incredibly unfair and dishonest. |
Anonymous
Damn, you're a better nanny than I am mom. I hope you make 100k a year |